Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that people trust social media less than any other form of communication. To which anyone under 30 says “There are other forms of communication?”

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Apparently they want to limit the social network to what it was originally intended. To let people show complete strangers pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Which really doesn’t matter because most Facebook users aren’t able to pull themselves away from the site even long enough to go to the polls on election day and vote.

A critic of polygraph tests is being accused of teaching people how to lie to the government. Apparently government officials can’t understand why anyone should need to be taught what comes second nature to people in public office.

Federal drug agents launched surprise inspections of NFL teams following games. Although a really serious investigation for drug use probably won’t take place until someone actually loses to the Raiders.

Obamacare adviser Jonathan Gruber is on record as saying that seniors “do a terrible job” of choosing their own public health care plan. That can only be expected from people who aren’t even able to pick a pair of pants that doesn’t come up to their chest.

Researchers are warning of dangers of second hand marijuana smoke. Mostly because the only people who inhale secondhand marijuana smoke are potheads who are already too stoned to be able to roll a joint for themselves.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. Which at least gives people a decade’s head start on picking a place to leave their car keys where they will be able to find them.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. The first clue is when someone gets lost trying to find the clinic where they are having the blood test.

A study says that 36 Million people around the world are living in slavery. People were shocked at the news. No one had any idea there were that many people who were working for 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s.

An ex-con in Oklahoma was arrested for biting off the ear of a man during a fight in a bowling alley. The good news is he only bit off one ear so it was scored as a spare.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Mostly because they couldn’t take their eyes off the tie with the gravy stain he kept wearing with it.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Which is a bit different than CNN where there are so few people watching that no one would notice if Wolf Blitzer showed up naked for a year.

A federal insurance fund that protects pensions is reportedly running at a deficit of $62 Billion. Labor leaders were shocked. There are still Americans who have pension plans?

A survey says that 74% of parents might pull their kids out of daycares where there are children that haven’t been vaccinated. Not because of the possibility their children might become sick, but because they don’t have jobs anymore where they need someone to watch their kids.

The Church of England has adopted a plan that would allow women to become bishops. Apparently church leaders were bored and wondered if a major change would cause Prince Charles to go Henry VIII on them and cut off Camilla’s head.

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. Minutes of the meetings so far show that the discussions have consisted of non-stop giggling and an occasional “Wow, man.”

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. The only thing that has been accomplished is the group’s first meeting went through their entire yearly budget for pizza and snacks.

A study says that comparison shopping for mobile banking services is difficult. Mostly because it is tough to get people to use their cellphones for banking when they can’t go more than 30 seconds without looking at their e-mails, Facebook page or Twitter account.

A poll says that most Americans don’t like Obamacare while three quarters of the people who are actually enrolled in the plan are satisfied. Maybe there is something to that Jonathan Gruber’s comments about the stupidity of American voters.

Data says that U.S. airlines are packing in passengers at record rates which has caused an 18.2% increase in complaints. Mostly from the 18.2% of people who fly Southwest and ended up having to buckle in another passenger on their lap.

Facebook is getting set to launch a service aimed at business professionals. It’s for people who want to show pictures of the lunch they were able to put on their expense account.

Reynolds Tobacco is planning on marketing a new cigarette that won’t burn tobacco. Apparently they are a bit late as those already have been a big hit in Washington state and Colorado.

A report says that 1 in 30 American children are homeless. The question people are asking is which one of Kevin Federline’s 30 kids has met that fate.

Auto dealers are forecasting U.S. car sales to reach 16.9 Million in 2015. That doesn’t even include the 14 Million cars that people bought in 2014 that they will soon be getting to drive for the first time after they finally getting out of the shop from all the recalls.

A study in Japan has cast doubt on the idea that aspirin can help prevent a first heart attack. All it can really do is take care of the headache they get after their heart attack from hearing their spouse keep saying “I told you to exercise more and eat better.”

Honda will quietly replace airbags across the nation in the wake of the Takata airbag failures. Apparently they discovered that the problem started when Takata ran out of real airbags and started replacing their kits with whoopie cushions.

A study says that bad credit is linked to a higher risk of heart attacks. Especially when the bad credit comes from people not being able to pay all the bills from their cardiologist.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two and all the others down the list are pretty much Obamacare.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two are Obamacare and drinking from the same glass as Paris Hilton.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Which isn’t all that bad when you consider the other half haven’t showed up at school in the past six weeks.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Mostly because they have never actually known you could eat something that wasn’t macaroni and cheese, a burger or chicken nuggets.

The Red Cross says it is harder to recruit people to help with Ebola than to go to Iraq. Mostly because people know their odds are better because at least there have been a few people who have actually been able to survive getting Ebola.

Data says that sleep problems are different for men and for women. Especially for men who will have to spend all night with one eye open the rest of their lives after they are caught sleeping in the wrong bed.

A study says that mental illness is not the biggest reason youth carry guns. It’s to protect themselves from all the mentally ill adults around them who keep an arsenal of guns around the house.

The U.N. Ebola Mission Chief in Guinea has died of natural causes. Which is another way of saying he caught Ebola.

Researchers say that Viagra and caffeine can be used to save the lives of premature babies. Which is ironic in that most of those babies were born because their fathers wouldn’t have been able to conceive them without some help from caffeine and Viagra.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is ironic in that most the people with those symptoms got them from trying to get onto the Obamacare website.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is just more bad news for the people who regularly vote in elections.

A study says that 40% of calls to U.S. poison centers over energy drinks involve children under 6. Mostly kids who are desperately trying to stay awake after their parents stuck them in front of the TV set and the only available channel was PBS.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. Mostly girls who have to deal with fat, lazy teenage boys who sit on the couch all day playing video games and can’t understand why they can’t get a date.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. How lazy have our kids gotten than they have to go online instead of being there in person to annoy the person they have a crush on?

A study says that only a few schools offered healthy food options before nutritional standards were mandated by the government. Now that healthy meals are offered, children have learned how to get by without eating until school lets out and they can get a ride to the nearest McDonald’s.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially for people who see it as an opportunity to switch their schedule around so that they are eating dinner three times a day.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially when the job is working the night shift at Papa John’s, McDonald’s or KFC.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. Even more when the kiss involves the boss’s backside.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. The good news is if the kiss is with Paris Hilton, about 40 Million of those bacteria can be treated with penicillin.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Especially the ones whose other apps are all for fast food restaurants, bars and ice cream shops.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Mostly the ones who never put their cellphones down long enough to actually get in any physical activity.

A study says that obesity is tied to pollutants. Especially when the pollutants involved are pretty much all from barbecue smoke.

U2 frontman Bono reportedly hurt his arm in a bicycle accident in Central Park. Apparently he was injured when he was hit by some kind of jet door that fell off a plane somewhere.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. What’s even worse is that the finger will be delivered in a cup of Wendy’s chili.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Canseco is lucky this happened after he left baseball because it turns out that was his hypodermic needle injecting finger he shot off.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Once again, Canseco makes money by giving someone his middle finger.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Of course, most computers wouldn’t need fixing if it weren’t for all the viruses men download when they get into all their porn sites.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Mostly because there is no way they will ever admit to being able to be beaten at anything by Bill Gates.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because no one knows how to navigate around vehicles that are actually staying in their lane while driving the speed limit.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because people are concerned if all the other cars on the road don’t have anyone behind the wheel, who will they be able to text to while they are out driving?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Much of the nation is engulfed by a cold snap. Which is more proof there is no global warming. Or, which is more proof there is global warming depending on whom you listen to. I prefer to blame it on the fact that it is November and most the nation is not Florida. Which is a good thing because our elections are bad enough without being Florida. However, the one thing that is always guaranteed to warm me up is when you all remember to send the love!

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