Sunday, November 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Which means they can relax each year the Lakers don’t make it to the NBA Finals.

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Or they can just pretty much sit outside any 7-Eleven on a Saturday night and wait for the inevitable.

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Which is interesting in a city that doesn’t consider it a crime to try to get $500,000 for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A Colombian archbishop is turning to exorcism to combat an increase in suicides. Although when parishioners are starting to kill themselves, a good idea might be first looking at shortening the length of the Sunday sermons.

Pope Francis I says that “Heaven is a party.” Which is interesting in that the only people who are invited are the ones who lived their lives condemning everything that goes on at a really good party.

Pope Francis I says that “Heaven is a party.” Although most people would swear they went the other direction when they have to spend the rest of eternity at a party that consists of nothing more daring than Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

A poll says that 32% think Americans are too stupid to understand Obamacare. The other 68% are still trying to get all the way through the Obamacare website.

A poll says that 32% think Americans are too stupid to understand Obamacare. Which according to the Obama Administration shows it is a success because that is exactly how it was intended to be written in the first place.

A poll says that 40% of women, 28% of men and 39% of young people are out of the work force and aren’t even looking for a job. Mostly because it’s hard to find one until the people who are in the work force want to give up one of the four jobs they need to make ends meet.

A report says water usage at the L.A. Mayoral Mansion is five times higher than that at the average L.A. household. Mostly because the mayor and his family are the only ones in the entire city who drink from the tap and don’t get their water supply delivered by a Perrier truck.

Arizona State University has installed a prescription drug vending machine on campus. Which means on a college campus it pretty much only stocks birth control, acne medication and pills for ADHD.

Arizona State University has installed a prescription drug vending machine on campus. Now, what could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?

New software claims to make music playlists bases on the listener’s mood. Which means if they are suicidal it plays Justin Bieber tunes to give them a reason to go through with it.

New software claims to make music playlists bases on the listener’s mood. Apparently that means the more drunk and depressed you get, the more Irish folk tunes are likely to be played.

A report says that the seniors’ obesity counseling benefit offered through Medicare is largely unused. Mostly because overweight seniors know it’s easier to just wait and let Medicare eventually help them with their diabetes medication and heart bypass surgery.

The Army’s top general made a surprise visit to Iraq. Although at this point the Iraqis are only surprised when American soldiers actually leave the country.

Brazil has sentenced three people to more than 20 years in prison for cannibalism. Which is going to be pretty stressful for any of their cellmates when they ask them if they feel like having a bite.

Brazil has sentenced three people to more than 20 years in prison for cannibalism after eating their victims and using their body parts to make pastries. The worst part that they only used people from Denmark so they could legitimately label the pastries as Danish.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable. Which means it will be more difficult for many to achieve the American dream of having their own home they can eventually watch go into foreclosure.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable with 62% of homes listed being too expensive for a family making the national median income. Mostly because the national median income for a family is based on two adults working at convenience stores with a child who has a paper route.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable with 62% of homes listed being too expensive for a family making the national median income. The other 38% of homes that can be afforded by those families are otherwise known as the car they are currently living in.

Wal-Mart workers are planning to hold Black Friday protests in several cities in an attempt to get higher wages. Fortunately, Wal-Mart workers will have the time to protest since it’s not like they have enough money to do any Christmas shopping anyway.

McDonald’s failed with an experiment that tried to get kids to eat broccoli that tastes like bubblegum. Apparently they came up with the idea after decades of successfully convincing their customers that their hamburger patties taste like beef.

McDonald’s failed with an experiment that tried to get kids to eat broccoli that tastes like bubblegum. Even worse was the experiment conducted at the same time by Bazooka to market bubblegum that tastes like broccoli.

A report says that China wastes half as much grain as it imports, including soybean, barley and sorghum. To which the Chinese are saying “You try to pick up soybeans, barley and sorghum with a pair of chopsticks.”

Papers have been filed to close the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City. Some residents were against the operation on moral principles. Imagine having a building in your city that has a sign saying “Trump.”

Candy maker Mars says the world is running out of chocolate. Which can only mean that Kirstie Alley has fallen off her diet again.

Candy maker Mars says the world is running out of chocolate. Which has been a problem ever since Bill Clinton has been trying to get back in Hillary’s good graces ever since she found out about Monica.

The government says that Healthcare.gov has reopened without major problems for the second enrollment period. Which works out fine for Republicans who thanks to the midterm elections don’t need to find any problems with the system until 2016.

A study says that working out can cause weight gain in women. Especially when their daily run ends with the finish line at the front door of the closest McDonald’s.

A study says that people tend to live longer than they predict they will. Especially people who live in Detroit and figure every day will be their last.

A study says that people tend to live longer than they predict they will. Although no one ever seems to live as long as a wealthy relative.

A study says that people live longer than they predict they will. Except for the people who think they will live long enough to be able to retire someday.

The vegan mom in Florida was able to get her child back after losing custody for claims of neglect. Apparently authorities had never seen a child before who was actually having trouble gaining weight.

A new documentary called “The Age of Love” deals with speed dating for seniors. The good thing about dating after dementia sets in is that you can be with the same person for months and it’s like going out with someone new every week.

A new documentary called “The Age of Love” deals with speed dating for seniors. After a certain age speed dating is more important, especially when the question about whether there will be a second date is dependent on whether you can perform CPR on the first.

A study says the number of cases of Alzheimer’s Disease will double by 2050. Which is good news in that as fat as we are getting, no one thought the next generation would live long enough to be at risk of dementia.

Scientists are using search data from Wikipedia to forecast the spread of the flu. Apparently they got the idea from tracking the spread of STD’s by using search data about Paris Hilton.

Scientists are using search data from Wikipedia to forecast the spread of the flu. Just like they were able to track the fear of the spread of Ebola by watching Republican political commercials during the midterm elections.

A study says that a clean home can lead to more ethical behavior. Except when the person hiring the domestic workers for housecleaning is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A study says that a clean home can lead to more ethical behavior. Although that never happens in Congress no matter how many times the voters try to clean house.

A study says that back pain can be caused by slumping while texting. Especially when the person who was texting is slumping over the wheel of their car after running into a tree.

A study says that 75% of Americans are not suitable kidney donors. Mostly because our kidneys are so damaged from all the Coca-Cola, Starbucks and beer we run through them every day.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. Not only that, but it was a big day for grandpa and dad both who ended up being the same guy who was dating both women.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. The weird part is when grandma offers to give her daughter a break and take a turn breastfeeding her grandchild.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. Which makes for one of those headlines that everyone just knows right away could only happen in a southern state.

VH1 is reportedly near a deal to bring back “The Osbournes.” It’s been off the air 13 years, mostly because it has taken closed captioning translators that long to figure out what Ozzie was saying on all the episodes of the program’s original run.

Daniel Day-Lewis was knighted by Prince William. Which upset Prince Charles, who said it was his month to get to perform some sort of work related official duty.

Kim Kardashian’s attempt to “break the Internet” with a picture of her bare backside was outdone by the landing of a spacecraft on a comet. It was the first time that a comet was able to be visible to more people than a full moon.

CBS has cancelled “The Millers.” Most people were surprised. The show was still on the air?

Kobe Bryant went 1 for 14 in a game against the San Antonio Spurs. It was the first time he actually had a chance to end a game with as many assists as points.

A one armed freshman made his debut on the University of Florida basketball team. No matter what he does through his career, he will be guaranteed to set a record for never being called once for double dribble.

A one armed freshman made his debut on the University of Florida basketball team. The worst part about someone like that is that it takes away any excuses all the rest of us have for not overcoming all the obstacles in the way of becoming successful.

A pioneering camera used on the Mercury space flights has sold for $275,000. To which people under 30 are asking why didn’t the astronauts just take pictures with their cellphones?

A study says that to help with the language skills of their children, parents should be sent text messages with tips on reading to them or help them sound out words. Or better yet, put down the cellphone and stop texting long enough to actually talk to them for once.

A city council race in Florida that ended in a tie could be determined by a coin toss. Which is just another example of how even small local elections are being decided by money.

President Obama was seen twice chewing gum on his recent trip to China and Australia. Apparently he was just showing off the fact that unlike his predecessor George W. Bush he can actually chew gum and walk at the same time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special shout out to Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw for winning both the National League Cy Young and MVP awards, the first pitcher to do that in the NL in 46 years. Now if the Dodgers can just get him to figure out how to win one in the playoffs. In the meantime, I always feel like the MVP (Most Valuable Prankster) when you all remember to send the love!

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