Thursday, November 13, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says the Democratic Party’s favorable rating has dropped to a record low. Apparently the poll is called the midterm elections.

A man has been locked up in a Washington, D.C. mental hospital for 40 years for stealing a $20 necklace. Apparently the court felt he was crazy for not trying to rob a more upscale jewelry store.

A man has been locked up in a Washington, D.C. mental hospital for 40 years for stealing a $20 necklace. The problem is he was getting psychiatric care that could have been reserved instead for a high level government worker.

Rio de Janeiro has designated its first nude beach. Until now, anyone who wanted to be naked in public in Rio had to wait for Carnival.

IBM’s Watson is being used to create a consumer app that uses consumers’ genetic makeup to help them live a healthier lifestyle. The first thing the app does is tell people they are on their cellphone way too much.

Scientists have scoured the genomes of people who have lived past 110 to find if there is a genetic link. The one thing the found is that those people all lived the first 50 years of their lives before ever getting the chance to eat at McDonald’s.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached the federal weather system recently. Which explains why the Weather Channel was forecasting that it will be cold, and that it is better to ask twice than to lose yourself once.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached the federal weather system recently. They knew the hackers must be from China because every forecast was changed to include a warning for heavy smog.

A report says that smartphone “zombies” are causing havoc on the streets in major cities where people are too connected with their phones to watch where they are going. Which wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the drivers who run them over because they are distracted while texting behind the wheel.

AT&T says it will stop spending money on high speed fiber Internet connections until the  FCC makes a plan for Internet regulation. AT&T officials were disappointed after the company has already committed as much as $3 into the project.

Prince Charles is warning Britons about losing connections with the countryside. Apparently he is concerned that if there is a loss of rural areas, there won’t be as many places left where Camilla can graze.

A Finnish firm is planning to launch a payment system that uses facial recognition technology. Apparently it works by matching the grimace that comes over the customer’s face when they see how much they are spending.

The Obama Administration has endorsed a treaty that would ban torture. Which some see as just giving President Obama an excuse get out of having that drink with Senator Mitch McConnell.

A tractor-trailer became stuck on a Milwaukee footbridge which the driver blamed on his GPS. Unfortunately, the driver failed to rely on other available technology called looking out the windshield.

A tractor-trailer became stuck on a Milwaukee footbridge which the driver blamed on his GPS. No one knew there were still any GPS systems that still relied on Apple Maps.

President Obama extended the state of emergency with Iran into its 36th straight year. Which just means we are behind the rest of the Middle East which has been in a state of emergency with Iran for 3,500 straight years.

Afghanistan’s opium crop has risen to record output levels. Mostly because using opiates is the best way for the people there to imagine they are somewhere other than Afghanistan.

Afghanistan’s opium crop has risen to record output levels. Although it took other countries awhile to realize why every restaurant there advertises all their meals are served with a side of hash.

Some people who became lost in the world’s largest corn maze in California called 911 for help. Many were surprised at the news. They grow corn in California?

Some people who became lost in the world’s largest corn maze in California called 911 for help. Police told them that when they are lost in a corn field, it is best to pay attention to your ears.

A poll says that texting, e-mails and cellphone calls are the most common forms of nonpersonal communication. Except when people are driving and they still communicate most effectively with their middle finger.

Six banks have been fined a total of $4.3 Billion for manipulating currency markets to boost their profits. Otherwise known banking.

The government says that gasoline will average less than $3 a gallon through 2015. The only thing is, everyone has forgotten if gasoline went up in price because we started all those Middle East wars or if we started all those Middle East wars because the price of gasoline went up.

A poll says that Americans feel the government and the economy are the nation’s most important problems. Which can be pared down even more considering the government is responsible for most the problems we are having with the economy.

A study says that having just one drink can double the risk of ending up in the ER. Especially when your wife walks into the bar where you are having that drink with your girlfriend.

An analysis says that U.S. companies are holding more than $2 Trillion overseas. Or as that analysis is otherwise known, the lines at the local unemployment office.

A new dating site called The League gives out apps only by invitation to what they call “high quality” singles. Which pretty much should exclude people who need an app to find a date.

A neuroscientist has written a paper explaining why hipsters all look the same. Mostly because how else will they know someone else is as hip as they are if they look different?

Federal officials say that crash tests will show by 2015 if highway guardrails are safe. Although how bad can they be when the other options for going off the road are usually hitting either a tree or another car.

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. The only problem is that when something affects Windows so that it doesn’t work properly, how can anyone even tell?

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. It has been the longest lasting nuisance in the tech world since Bill Gates’ haircut.

A study says that people who are having trouble swallowing pills are usually doing something wrong. Especially if the pill they are taking is a suppository.

A study says that people who are having trouble swallowing pills are usually doing something wrong. Although for most people taking prescription medications, the hardest thing to swallow is the amount they have to pay for their pharmacy bill.

A paper says that plant based diets are best for the planet. Mostly because animal based diets have made us so fat it is getting harder for the Earth to turn with all the extra weight.

Sources say that Robin Williams’ suicide may have been triggered by an illness that causes dementia and hallucinations. Otherwise known as his routines. (Tasteless, yes...but Robin Williams probably would have laughed...)

A study says that Vitamin B and folic acid supplements don’t help people with their memory. Especially when they can’t remember where they left their bottles of Vitamin B and folic acid.

A New York plastic surgeon will soon offer “vacation breasts” that women can try out for a few weeks. They are called vacation breasts because if they are large enough the woman won’t have any problem finding someone asking to take them on a vacation.

A study says that falls are the leading cause of head trauma for kids. The good news is that the worst fall most kids are danger of is dropping two feet off the couch to the carpet while reaching for the remote.

Richard Branson says there is no truth to the rumor he offered Led Zeppelin $800 Million for a reunion tour. Mostly because Branson couldn’t sit quietly through a concert because it he can’t do anything that doesn’t involve a parachute, hot air ballon or rocket.

Randy Jackson has announced he will be leaving “American Idol” after this season. Apparently he didn’t feel he was focused enough on the show. In fact, it wasn’t until three weeks ago he noticed Paula and Simon were gone.

Randy Jackson has announced he will be leaving “American Idol” after this season. People were surprised. “American Idol” is still on the air?

Jennifer Lopez says that Ben Affleck couldn’t deal with her big entourage. Although it turns out it really wasn’t an entourage so much as just people following her around to check out her backside.

Jennifer Lopez says that Ben Affleck couldn’t deal with her big entourage. Mostly because out of all those people he was the one that kept ending up having to carry all the luggage.

Bruce Jenner’s 88 year old mother says she hates his new effeminate look. Apparently she is more fond of the effeminate look he had in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s.

The Kardashians say they won’t release a 2014 holiday card. Apparently it was physically impossible to find a camera with a wide angle lens that could fit both Kanye West’s head and Kim Kardashian’s backside into the same photo.

Kim Kardashian says she is trying to “break the Internet” by releasing pictures of her bare backside online. Although with a rear end that large, people are just praying she doesn’t break wind.

Kim Kardashian says she is trying to “break the Internet” by releasing pictures of her bare backside online. Although when people heard that pictures of Kim Kardashian’s rear end were being released, they thought it meant some face shots of Kanye West.

LeBron James says he doesn’t allow his kids to play football. Mostly because they just don’t have enough time for the sport because with his income they are already leaning more towards croquet, yachting and polo.

A Pew study says that Americans fear they have lost control of their personal data. Apparently the study was done with people going in to do some shopping at Michaels, Home Depot, and Target.

A Pew study says that Americans fear they have lost control of their personal data. What’s worse is that Pew got their information for the study from the NSA.

Samsung has unveiled a 360 degree virtual reality camera. It’s primary use will be to allow people to make Facebook posts of what everyone in the entire restaurant is eating.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of top quality jokes. Maybe not here, but probably somewhere if you look hard enough. Hope you enjoy the material. I was hesitant to put the Robin Williams joke up, but what the heck. I really think he would have gotten a laugh from it. Too bad when you see someone with all his resources not able to get the help he needed. But all anyone really needs is to have the people around them remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Robin WIlliams joke was great! No worries!