Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Secret Service has disclosed there were 40 fence jumping incidents at the White House over the past five years. However, most of those were officials in the Obama Administration who were trying to get away.

The Catholic Church says that exorcisms are on the rise across the U.S. Mostly people who insist that demonic spirits have taken over their financial advisers.

A report says that businesses are cashing in on women who want larger backsides. Which has confused men to the point where they are now completely afraid of what to say when a woman asks if a dress makes her rear end look big.

A report says that businesses are cashing in on women who want larger backsides. Which makes Kim Kardashian an even bigger trend setter in that ever since she married Kanye West she now has two.

A New York plastic surgeon is working on developing a “vacation breast” surgery that lets women try out larger breasts for about two weeks. Apparently the doctor says it would help women make the decision for permanent surgery, like knowing once they test drive a Maserati they won’t want to go back to their Kia.

A New York plastic surgeon is working on developing a “vacation breast” surgery that lets women try out larger breasts for about two weeks. Unfortunately, once they get back from vacation their hopes and dreams aren’t the only things that deflate to reality.

A pocket watch has set a record, selling for $24 Million. To which anyone under 30 as asking “What’s a watch?”

A $20,000 residence suite being offered by Etihad Airways on its Abu Dhabi to London flights has been sold out. Mostly because it still costs less than flying coach on United when passengers are done paying all the hidden fees.

A $20,000 residence suite being offered by Etihad Airways on its Abu Dhabi to London flights has been sold out. Which is worth the price as it includes a flying butler who will take care of trying to track which airport the passenger’s luggage has been sent to.

A report says that Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith had as many as 40 wives. Which explains why he took the name “Smith” as he had to keep checking into the same hotel with a different woman all the time.

A report says that Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith had as many as 40 wives. To which Pope Francis I says he sure picked the wrong church to become leader.

Swiss scientists say they are close to recreating the “Luke Skywalker” ability to control thoughts. In fact, they used the technology to read the mind of Mark Hamill who is currently thinking “Maybe they’ll give me a speaking part in episode eight!”

Los Angeles is offering free rain barrels to residents to help beat the drought. To which anyone who has lived in L.A. the past two years is asking “What’s rain?”

Scientists say they have found a drug resistant superbug in a 1915 soldier killed by dysentery. Which at least shows the backup in the VA system is nothing new.

Scientists say they have found a drug resistant superbug in a 1915 soldier killed by dysentery. Although records show it was the soldier’s own fault as he was warned to stay away from the French brothels.

Glenn Beck says he has an illness that causes him to forget names, faces and conversations. Which is ironic for someone who has based his career on giving commentary where he seems to forget all the facts.

A survey says that Catholics are worried about the Church crossing the line between politics and advocacy. As opposed to Pat Robertson whose advocacy is politics.

A survey says that Catholics are worried about the Church crossing the line between politics and advocacy. As opposed to TV evangelists who feel comfortable about using either one as long as they bring in viewer donations.

United Airlines says it will use fewer and larger planes on its flights out of O’Hare. That way they can affect the most passengers with the fewest employees for every flight they decide to cancel.

A report says that the Harvard Business School has created three times as many billionaires as any other business school. Mostly graduates who get into the business of loaning money to students who want to attend Harvard Business School

Volkswagen is recalling 580,000 cars in China. No one even knew that “Volkswagen” was Chinese for “GM.”

A study says that for half the nation’s homeowners, buying a house is not the best way to build wealth. Mostly because it is only a matter of time before they are like the other half and have their home go into foreclosure.

Spotify has told Taylor Swift they are not the enemy after she pulled all her songs off their site. To which everyone knows you aren’t an enemy of Taylor Swift until you have dumped her and she writes a song about it.

Seven companies have been issued permits to test self-driving cars in California. Mostly because it’s easy to claim a car can drive by itself when it is stuck in traffic and hasn’t moved in three hours.

GM has trimmed its workforce at a Michigan plant that makes smaller cars. Or as the company likes to call it, their jobs have been recalled.

A key architect of Obamacare says he regrets calling voters “stupid.” He says he should have instead called them “obtuse,” “imbecilic” or “sophomoric” so they wouldn’t have known what he was actually saying.

Apple is being sued over lost texts on their iMessage system. Apparently several people claim they have crashed their cars while having to drive around for hours just to resend all their texts.

Hellman is suing a company for labeling a vegetable version of mayonnaise as “mayo.” To which they are all being sued by the Mayo Clinic and organizers of Cinco de Mayo.

Hellman is suing a company for labeling a vegetable version of mayonnaise as “mayo.” They are even requesting a court order telling them to hold the mayo.

The CEO of Alibaba, Jack Ma says that being the richest man in China is “a great pain.” To draw a comparison, he says it is about as meaningful as being the smartest person in Alabama.

Chrysler says it will start recalling its cars with Takata airbags in December. They figure they can wait that long because it’s not like any of their vehicles built before 2007 are in running condition anyway.

A study says that a majority of smokers support a plan to have plain packaged cigarettes that come with graphic warnings. Especially if they come with warnings that alert them about the militant non-smoker who is about to attack them from behind when they are getting ready to light up.

Experts say that fear has trumped facts in the Ebola debate. Which is interesting as usually that strategy is used mostly for political debates.

Experts say that fear has trumped facts in the Ebola debate. Just like with global warming, AIDS, terrorism...

A study says that kids who are obese at a young age often stay that way. Which brings up the question of how are they able to stay at a young age?

A study says that kids who are obese at a young age often stay that way. Which just means they have a head start on all the other kids who given enough time will eventually catch up to them.

A study says that smokers who have bladder cancer know that tobacco was the cause. Although if smoking gives you bladder cancer the question is just where were you putting those cigarettes?

An investigation says the clinic where Joan Rivers suffered her deadly surgery had numerous problems. Although none of them were anywhere as big as the problems they will be having as a result of her estate’s legal team.

A Texas woman had to have surgery when her breasts swelled to a size 36NNN. Or as most men would label those, 36Mmmmmmmm.

A Texas woman had to have surgery when her breasts swelled to a size 36NNN. Not only that, but the men who saw her walking around also had to have surgery to put their eyes back in their head.

A study says that kids can suffer injuries because their parents are paying too much attention to their electronic gadgets. The worst part is when their kid breaks their leg while unattended on the playground and the first thing the parent does is take a picture to post on Facebook.

Researchers say that diets don’t work for long. Although if a diet gets a woman into a bikini on vacation or into her wedding dress that is usually long enough.

A new font has been developed to help people with dyslexia. The designer who also suffers the affliction is calling it “Tonf.”

A Pennsylvania mom found a liver transplant donor for her daughter on Facebook. Which shows that some people will do anything to keep from being unfriended.

A Pennsylvania mom found a liver transplant donor for her daughter on Facebook. Which shows you really need to be careful which posts you give a “like.”

The NBA has taken away a triple double by LeBron James, crediting one of his assists to another player. They didn’t say who got the assist but it can pretty much be assumed it wasn’t Kobe Bryant.

The NBA has taken away a triple double by LeBron James, crediting one of his assists to another player. Although it was easier to take away a triple double from LeBron than it would be to try to pry an In-N-Out Double Double out of the hands of Charles Barkley.

Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino is set to get an academic bonus of $500,000. The award was given when one of his players got lost on campus and actually walked into a classroom.

Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino is set to get an academic bonus of $500,000. To which his players were asking if that was enough money to buy a new iPhone and a pair of hi-top Converse.

Experts say the Post Office computer breach could be part of a new Cold War. Which is ironic in that the Post Office, along with the old Cold War are both relics that saw their peak in the 1950s.

A study says the state with the highest risk of heart disease is Louisiana. Mostly from the heart attacks caused by people sneaking up behind them all day blowing their “Duck Dynasty” Duck Commander calls.

A study says the state with the lowest risk of heart disease is Utah. Apparently the Mormons were able to see what was going to happen years ago if someone had several wives and was also allowed to drink caffeine.

Google has reportedly signed a 60 year lease from the Navy for a dirigible hanger in Silicon Valley. Which can only mean we should expect to see the Google Blimp starting to make appearances at all major sporting events through 2074.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A cold snap is affecting much of the U.S. this week. Or as the Drudge Report calls that, proof there is no global warming. As compared to what reasonable people call that, mid November. Hopefully the jokes will help keep you warm through the arctic outbreak. Most people say it works as they print out the jokes on paper and use them to start their fireplace. In any event, as long as they help my job is done. You still have some work to do, and that is to make sure to remember to always send the love!

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