Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that regular marijuana users have shrunken brains. When informed about this, most pot smokers responded with “Huh?”

A virus has been discovered that makes humans more stupid. Which is pretty much diagnosed by anyone with a fever who decides to get it checked out at an HMO.

A virus has been discovered that makes humans more stupid. The first symptom is calling in sick from work to stay home and watch “The Kardashians.”

A report says wealthy people are buying doomsday bunkers to live in through a nuclear attack. Apparently the favorite location are old bank vaults that have been pretty much empty since no one has any money left to put in accounts anymore.

A New York woman celebrated her 100th birthday by sky diving. After landing, she said “I told you I wanted to try on a pair of shoes!”

A New York woman celebrated her 100th birthday by sky diving. For her 101st, she says she wants to try something really daring and book a cruise with Carnival.

The Postal Service says its computer network was hacked, compromising the personal data of 800,000 employees. The worst part is the hackers got sent over to the Post Office database by just logging in to the Obamacare website.

Russia is launching a news service called Sputnik to fight against the “aggressive propaganda” of the west. Wasn’t that also the reason for the creation of Fox News?

Russia is launching a news service called Sputnik to fight against the “aggressive propaganda” of the west. And what better way to start off a technological venture than by naming it after the last scientific victory Russia had over the U.S. back in 1957?

Scientists are predicting that robot brains will match those of humans within 25 years. Which basically means they will be just as smart as people as soon as they learn how to type things in on Google.

A new service uses Artificial Intelligence to book vacations for people. The good news for travelers is that even AI has figured out not to make reservations on United Airlines or Carnival Cruise Lines.

A preacher in Florida set a record by speaking non-stop for more than 50 hours. Ironically, his sermon was about the sin of wasting time.

A leading ecologist says that humans are turning the Earth into a “lonely and very dangerous planet.” Although in China it would be less dangerous if it were more lonely and people wouldn’t be running into each other through all the smog.

A leading ecologist says that humans are turning the Earth into a “lonely and very dangerous planet.” Although how lonely can it be when Facebook has given everyone the potential to have 7 Billion new friends?

A report says that morale is sinking at CNN’s Washington, D.C. Bureau in the wake of poor ratings and layoffs. The real morale killer is seeing how badly they are being beat by what is being put out every day on Fox News.

A report says that morale is sinking at CNN’s Washington, D.C. Bureau in the wake of poor ratings and layoffs. The real question is how high has morale ever been at CNN ever since they were part of the AOL-Time Warner merger?

A report says that morale is sinking at CNN’s Washington, D.C. Bureau in the wake of poor ratings and layoffs. The worst part is that the story was broken by MSNBC.

CBS reporter Lara Logan has been quarantined after coming in contact with Ebola patients in Liberia. It is the first time Logan has been quarantined by CBS since she aired her factually challenged report about Benghazi.

A Florida woman survived 45 minutes without a detectable pulse. No one even knew that there were any family members of Dick Cheney living in Florida.

A new law in New York City reduces possession of marijuana to a ticket and not arrest. Not only that, but police will only be able to shoot the people they are ticketing with ten or fewer bullets.

A teacher from Ireland was turned down for a job in South Korea due to the “alcoholism nature” of the Irish people. To which the town the teacher comes from threatened to go to South Korea for a real donnybrook just as soon as they finished their pints.

A teacher from Ireland was turned down for a job in South Korea due to the “alcoholism nature” of the Irish people. Which is the 21st century version of posting a sign in the window saying NINA.

A teacher from Ireland was turned down for a job in South Korea due to the “alcoholism nature” of the Irish people. To which the teacher says that may be true, but she has never been drunk enough to wonder what side dish to serve with her Irish setter.

A cat adoption cafe that also serves coffee and cookies has opened in Oakland, California. Although if they really wanted to be able to get people in a frame of mind where they might adopt a cat they probably need to apply for a full liquor license.

A report says that Wall Street executive bonuses will be flat this year compared to the $164,000 average bonus given out in 2013. Things are so tight some of the CEOs have had to cut back to lighting their Cuban cigars with only $50 bills.

A report says that Wall Street executive bonuses will be flat this year compared to the $164,000 average bonus given out in 2013. Which coincidentally represents about how much their actions cost the average American family during the mortgage crisis they created.

McDonald’s has recalled 2.3 Million Hello Kitty Happy Meal toys because of a choking hazard. Which shouldn’t be a problem because if kids can still stomach a Happy Meal they should have no problem putting anything else down their throats.

McDonald’s has recalled 2.3 Million Hello Kitty Happy Meal toys because of a choking hazard. That’s what they get for having the toys be put together by GM.

A study says that cultures living in harsh environments with an unstable climate are more likely to believe in a deity that is involved in human morality. Which pretty much explains what has been coming out of sunny and mild Hollywood for the past 50 years.

Pizza Hut is trying to spice up its menu with items that include Sriracha, ginger and curry. Another way they could try to change the way people think of them is to not name themselves after a hut.

AT&T has scrapped plans to offer high speed Internet on airplanes. Apparently they have decided to back off on the idea since they can’t offer high speed Internet service to any of their customers down on the ground.

A study says that sharing a meal with others makes you a better person. Especially when you let everyone else eat all your McDonald’s french fries and keep your arteries opened up for another day.

A study by the “Today” show says that 46% of Americans don’t get enough sleep. The other 54% make sure they do by setting their alarm clock to wake them up when the “Today” show is over.

A study by the “Today” show says that 46% of Americans don’t get enough sleep. The other 54% get plenty of sleep by keeping their TV set constantly turned on to NBC programming.

A study says that insurance, education and income are tied to survival rates following lung cancer surgery. Mostly because people with an education that can get a job with a good income that comes with insurance are usually too smart to start smoking cigarettes and get lung cancer in the first place.

A study says that sleep patterns in kids support a start time of 8:30 or later for high school students. That would help work around the time high school kids are actually awake and alert, which is from about 10:30-10:45 am.

A study says that sleep patterns in kids support a start time of 8:30 or later for high school students. Which would work for most high school students as long as the school day ended around 9:15.

President Obama joined Willie Nelson on stage to sing “On the Road Again” at the White House. Which was pretty much a tribute to all the Democrats in Congress who will be packing their bags and going back home after the midterm elections.

A report says Justin Bieber is reportedly going through anger management classes and community service to serve out his sentence for egging a neighbor’s house. His community service apparently involves helping work in a shelter kitchen just as long as he isn’t allowed near the omelet bar.

A report says Justin Bieber is reportedly going through anger management classes and community service to serve out his sentence for egging a neighbor’s house. Apparently his anger management courses help him deal with the fact he is being outsold by One Direction.

A report says that Robert Plant turned down an offer of $800 Million from Richard Branson for a Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Although the idea is still alive in that the other band members think maybe Branson’s eyes and ears have gotten bad enough over the years that he won’t notice if they sneak in Sammy Hagar as a ringer.

Sharon Osbourne says that “The Osbournes” will be coming back to TV. Mostly because the show has been off the air for 13 years and Ozzy has finally come down from whatever he was taking while it was on.

Sharon Osbourne says that “The Osbournes” will be coming back to TV. Apparently it will fill the niche of people who find “The Kardashians” a bit too highbrow for their taste.

Chicago Bears coach Marc Trestman says quarterback Jay Cutler needs to “play better.” Apparently he feels it would be easier to ask the offense to score at least 60 points a game than to try to get the defense to allow fewer than 50.

Chicago Bears coach Marc Trestman says quarterback Jay Cutler needs to “play better.” To which Cubs fans are wishing him good luck because they have been saying the same thing about all their players since 1945.

Mark Cuban hinted that the Oklahoma City Thunder should tank the season to get a better draft selection. To which the Clippers say it hasn’t done them any good and they have been trying it since 1970.

A report says that Major League Baseball is investigating the Chicago Cubs for tampering in their efforts to get manager Joe Maddon. Mostly because the only way they can hire most managers is for Cubs representatives to pretend they are working for another team.

Apple has released a new fix for lost iMessage texts. The only problem is that once people make the repair, the only texts they can retrieve are ones that were sent to them by Anthony Weiner.

A new book claims that automation is leading to a decay in skills. Which is fine because if the automation is good enough, people just need to know where the “on” button is located.

A study says that insects grew the first wings 400 Million years ago. The results came about when it was discovered the first flyswatter was invented 399.9 Million years ago.

A report says that theater chains around the country are boosting their bottom line by offering alcoholic drinks during movies. Which finally explains how some people are actually able to sit through an entire Adam Sandler film.

A book based on an ancient manuscript says that Jesus wasn’t crucified but got married and had a family. Apparently the misinterpretation came from the fact that after his third child he said the crucifixion might have been a little easier.

A Chinese man bought 99 iPhones and arranged them in a heart shape as a proposal to a woman who turned him down. Although it would have never worked out and he was just glad he found out before it was too late she preferred Android.

A Chinese man bought 99 iPhones and arranged them in a heart shape as a proposal to a woman who turned him down. The worst part is that she turned him down with a text from her Android phone.

A study says that action video game users learn faster and better. Which is great news for the pizza parlors and convenience stores where they end up working after high school.

Bing Elections claims it correctly predicted 95% of the races around the country in the midterm elections. Mostly because they went with 95% of the Republican candidates.

Video game companies have announced The Game Awards to honor achievements in gaming. The sad part is that all the acceptance speeches will pretty much be the winners thanking their parents for letting them live in their basement.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Veterans Day where we thank all veterans for fighting in the wars that were started by people powerful enough to keep their own kids out of the action. My dad served in World War II and I thank all you vets for your service! You have made it possible for me to have the freedom to write these jokes. Which many people are now asking if this freedom thing is really such a good idea. Remember, you always have the freedom to take some time to send the love!

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