Sunday, November 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that smartphones will soon be able to tell when a person is lying. Right now the only way to tell when someone with a smartphone is lying is when they are texting.

An armored truck collided with a dump truck in Maryland spilling cash all over the highway. Which sounds like more of a perfect metaphor for what happens in Washington, D.C. every day inside the Capitol Building.

Facebook reportedly conducted tests that affect users’ voting behavior. Although the vote Facebook users are the most concerned about on election day is which of their friends’ breakfast pictures they are going to decide to “like.”

Cable networks are turning more to dramas as reality shows are losing ratings. But then what could be more dramatic than watching Bruce Jenner decide what color nail polish to wear while trying to make sure Kris Jenner doesn’t catch him borrowing her Spanx.

The Los Angeles Unified School District is defending its rule to order cafeteria workers speak English during lunch. The only problem is having to explain that to the cafeteria workers in their native Spanish, Korean, Chinese, Armenian, and Tagalog.

The Los Angeles Unified School District is defending its rule to order cafeteria workers speak English during lunch. Which is about as likely as finding cafeteria workers who can serve a lunch the kids will actually eat.

Pope Francis I says that caring for the poor doesn’t make someone a communist. Which is different than the way to tell if someone is a capitalist when they don’t care about anyone.

A New York City apartment is going for a record rental of $500,000 a month. Which is still considered a bargain in the city as it does come with cable and utilities.

A New York City apartment is going for a record rental of $500,000 a month. Although the apartments in the next block are going for a bit less at $625 a month since they fall under rent control.

A study says that airport Ebola screening is ineffective. Especially since airport workers think the only way to check on anything is to have passengers remove their shoes.

A study says that airport Ebola screening is ineffective. Although when is the last time anyone has ever used the words “airport” and “effective” in the same sentence?

Bangladesh was hit by a nationwide power blackout last week. Which is usually known there as “Tuesday.”

Bangladesh was hit by a nationwide power blackout last week. People were surprised by the news. When did Bangladesh get nationwide power?

Iraqi forces are insisting the Baghdad Airport is secure. Apparently it has become much safer since they have restricted terrorists to only bringing three ounces of explosives on board the planes.

A drop in home ownership in the U.S. is being placed on the 35-44 year old population of Generation X. Mostly because they are still at that awkward age where they have too much to pay off on their college loans and not enough in their 401(k) account.

A drop in home ownership in the U.S. is being placed on the 35-44 year old population of Generation X. Mostly because they are waiting until they can actually find a full time job that will allow them to finance something a bit more luxurious than their parents’ basement.

A survey says the Halloween costumes that got the most attention from women were Captain America, followed by the Lego Man and Walter White from “Breaking Bad.” Which is pretty much like the dating scene where women are looking for a superhero, will settle for someone plastic but end up with a homicidal meth dealer.

The high cost of student loans has inspired a 21 year old Indiana University student to run for the state’s General Assembly. Apparently he figured out the fastest way to pay off his loans was to get right in on taking some of those lobbyist bribes and kickbacks.

The national average price of gasoline has fallen below $3 a gallon for the first time in four years. Which makes it much more affordable for people who bought GM vehicles to be able to fill their tanks needed for all the trips to the dealership for every new recall.

A diversity report from Amazon shows the company is mostly made up of white males. Which is ironic in that it would be tough to get a job at Amazon if an employment application were filled out by an actual Amazon.

McDonald’s says it is using its Innovation Center to come up with ways to improve service at its restaurants. For instance, employees are told to always smile when they are using the defibrillator paddles on customers who have eaten one too many Big Macs.

A report says that troubled private student loan borrowers get little help form their lenders. Other than to be told that going hopelessly in debt from a bad tuition loan is a valuable lesson they won’t learn in any of their college business classes.

A report says the wealthiest people on the planet are making as much as $500,000 each minute of every day. Not only that, but they go into a deep depression when Daylight Saving Time starts in spring and they lose $30 Million from moving the clock forward an hour.

Takata says it made airbags with flaws as early as 2008. Fortunately, that was right at the time the recession started and everyone who lost their job, house and savings was only using their cars then to sleep in.

Two lawsuits are claiming that the Phi Kappa tau fraternity allowed a culture of misogyny. In other words, they were behaving like a fraternity.

Two lawsuits are claiming that the Phi Kappa tau fraternity allowed a culture of misogyny. The fraternity is defending their actions, saying when it came to abusing women they were equally as bad with all their male pledges.

Electrodes that are implanted in the brain are being used to successfully treat Tourette’s Syndrome. The only problem is that the patients are cured from the symptoms but now they start like a sailor every time they get shocked.

A study says that the way people react to disgusting pictures reveals if they are liberal or conservative. Which is not really anything new as a liberal gets disgusted when shown a picture of Speaker Boehner and a conservative gets disgusted with a picture of President Obama.

A study says that sleep apnea may make it harder for people to remember things. Especially from the brain injuries they suffer when their partner smacks them in the head for snoring all night.

A survey says that nearly one in five Americans is plagued by constant pain. The other four just never open or look at their monthly 401(k) statement.

A survey says that nearly one in five Americans is plagued by constant pain. The other four have cut their cable coverage and no longer get any channels that show reality TV programming.

Ebola nurse Kaci Hickox from Maine has been ordered not to get within three feet of any people. In other words, she needs to spend her winter in Maine.

A report says that Medicare continued paying for drugs even after the patients died. The waste was discovered after prescriptions for Viagra were renewed even after it was determined the patients had died and were already stiff.

A study says that when Daylight Saving Time ends, kids get 5% less exercise. Which is really significant when you consider the other 95% of their exercise consists of reaching into a Doritos bag while hitting the video game controller with their thumbs.

A study links adult asthma with a higher risk of dementia. Especially when the asthma is caused because their dementia has caused them to forget to keep breathing.

Crash test dummies are being made more obese, resembling 270 pound passengers to be more like the average American. It turns out that people would be a lot more safe in their cars if they would just hold one of the new crash test dummies on their lap.

A study says that a failure of the brain protein Tau is likely the cause behind Alzheimer's Disease. It was either that or another compound in the brain, but the researchers keep forgetting which one it is.

Kate Gosselin says she stayed clear of her ex-husband Jon at a recent yard sale. Which is just another sign that at this point reality TV shows are pretty much running out of plot lines.

Kate Gosselin says she stayed clear of her ex-husband Jon at a recent yard sale. How bad is it when “Kate Plus 8” has to shoot a crossover episode with “Storage Wars.”

TLC says it is slashing “Mama June” Shannon’s salary from “Honey Boo Boo” because of her dating a convicted sex offender. Even the NFL is thinking they may be going a bit too light with the punishment on that one.

Bob Dylan says he will release a cover album in 2015. The CD will come without a list of the songs and the idea is for people to try to guess what it is he is actually singing.

Jennifer Lopez says that Ben Affleck broke her heart. Mostly when he convinced her that starring together in the film “Gigli” would be a good career move.

Lindsay Lohan and her brother are being sued for $60 Million for allegedly stealing the idea for an app. The only way that lawsuit is going to go through is if it is suddenly discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s brother has $60 Million lying around.

North Korea has reportedly blocked both Twitter and Facebook. Which means citizens there can’t post any new profile photos or pictures of what they have eaten for lunch, which is frustrating because both feature the family dog.

Google is updating its model for predicting the intensity and spread of the flu. Mostly by just tracking the people who get a few symptoms of the flu and ask Google how to tell if they have Ebola.

The FCC says that AT&T customers paid $300 Million to $1 Billion too much to be on the unlimited data plan. The way for AT&T customers to determine how much they have been taken for is to look at their bill and the total is pretty much what they have been overcharged.

Starbucks says that one in six of their payments is already mobile. Mostly because those people can’t afford to carry around $36 in cash which is what they average spending every time they go into a Starbucks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tuesday is election day, and I can hardly wait. For the elections to be over that is, so I don’t have to sit through any more of those stupid political commercials. Although the good part is that my faith will be renewed in the system that allows even the dumbest people to go to the polls to take part in the process to send the most incompetent candidates back to Washington, D.C. It also means I will have continuing material for at least another two years from the government representatives who continue to take us down the path of lunacy. Just remember you can always vote with your heart every time you remember to send the love!

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