Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new reality show will document answered prayers. If it really works, the show should be off the air after about two episodes.

A robot can perform brain surgery by going through a patient’s cheek. Going through the cheeks they sit on has always been the way to perform brain surgery on members of Congress.

A Saudi cleric says that Twitter is the “source of all evil.” Apparently he decided that shortly after accidentally becoming a follower of Kim Kardashian.

The poppy crop in Afghanistan is reportedly at an all time high even after the U.S. spent $7.6 Billion to try to eradicate the crop. Or as the military calls $7.6 Billion in Afghanistan, “Tuesday.”

Texas finished first in a ranking of best state for business. At least as long as the business is oil, guns or barbecue.

It has been ten years since a majority of Americans said the country was on the right track. The only question is if people thought things were good in 2004, how bad have they gotten now?

Anthony Weiner says he is committed to being the best house husband he can be. Mostly because any business that has women employees is way to afraid to let him get in on the company Twitter account.

Texas is opening a new Ebola healthcare facility. Apparently it is set up at the airport and immediately puts anyone showing symptoms on a direct flight to Liberia.

A paralyzed man is now able to walk after nasal cells were surgically implanted in his spine. The only problem is he had to pay through the nose for the treatment.

A paralyzed man is now able to walk after nasal cells were surgically implanted in his spine. The only problem is that every time he walks through dirt his feet start to sneeze.

Former CIA Director Leon Panetta clashed with the agency over parts of his memoirs. Mostly for the fact that every page is redacted in black marker except for the part that says his name is Leon Panetta.

Corrections officials in Baltimore say that protocol was breached with the release of a suspected murderer. Mostly the protocol that says to not release any murder suspects.

A study says that liberals are more likely to defriend any Facebook friends that have any opposing political viewpoints. Mostly because conservatives would never think of friending anyone who wasn’t a member of the Tea Party in the first place.

A 1976 Apple 1 Computer will be auctioned off for an expected $300,000-400,000. Which shows the “Apple tax” makes people overpay for Apple products even 40 years after they are off the market.

The International Labour Organization says that there are 21 Million victims of forced labor around the world. No one even knew there were that many employees working for 7-Eleven.

The FBI says that more than a half billion financial records were stolen by hackers in the past year. Which makes the FBI mad because they keep getting all the good stuff before the federal agents can get in to snoop on everyone’s information.

KFC says it is planning to open a shop in Myanmar next year. Just as soon as they can figure out how to make whatever meat they are eating in Myanmar taste kind of like chicken.

McDonald’s says it is revising its menu to try to revive sales which have dropped 30%. Hopefully the change will keep their customers around unlike the people who order off the current menu and never make it much past 40.

A motorcycle that is claimed to be the “Captain America” bike ridden by Peter Fonda in “Easy Rider” sold for $1.35 Million. Mostly because of the street value of the drugs that are still where Fonda hid them in the cycle’s gas tank.

Coca-Cola is promising cost cuts to stop profits from falling. Although it’s hard to figure out how to cut costs when the only ingredients in Coke are water, sugar and caramel coloring.

Scientists say they have found a method to restore hearing loss in mice. Which pretty much puts an end to any musicians who are still trying to write a follow up song called “Three Deaf Mice.”

A study says that Americans with children in the house younger than 18 tend to laugh and smile more that those with older children. Mostly because they aren’t yet getting college tuition bills or trying to kick them out from living in their basement.

Scientists say they have come up with a reason why some people are susceptible to Seasonal Affectation Disorder. Which apparently is because they haven’t figured out a way to move to either Florida or California yet.

A study is looking to find a genetic reason why people can’t stop drinking alcohol. The genetic reason is usually somehow tied to having a mother who won’t ever stop nagging their kids about school, their job or their salary.

A study says that Gladiators ate mostly a bean and grain diet. Which shows the real question that the other slaves didn’t jump up to say “I am Spartacus!” but instead “He who smelt it dealt it!”

Researchers say an implantable device could replace reading glasses. The only problem is that the scientists seem to have misplaced the device and just can’t seem to find it.

Utility workers in Louisiana have been indicted for failing to test water for a brain eating amoeba. Mostly because they watched a few episodes of “Duck Dynasty” and figured everyone in the state already has it.

A study says that binge drinking may boost the blood pressure in young men. Which is good because it is probably lowered by the fact that otherwise they just sit on the couch all day playing video games.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice is asking to spend most of her 15 month prison sentence in a halfway house. Which could be the start of a new series called “Real Half-Housewives.”

Broadcast network executives say they feel hopeful about ratings for the upcoming fall season. Unless their network starts with an “N” and ends with a “BC.”

Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced to five years in prison, but will be eligible for parole after 10 months. Apparently the prosecution took his prosthetic legs so his defense team couldn’t use the strategy of “If the shoes don’t fit, you must acquit.”

Brett Favre has postponed his return to Lambeau Field to retire his jersey. Mostly since he is planning yet another comeback now that Peyton Manning broke his touchdown passing record.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sorry for the abbreviated version that is late…long plane trips today…glad to be back! This still gives you just enough time to read and remember to send the love!

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