Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City sold for a record $1.95 Billion. The hotel is so high class that when Arnold Schwarzenegger stays there, the only chore the housekeeping staff will perform is cleaning his room.

A San Francisco 49ers fan was knocked out during a brawl in a bathroom at the new Levi’s Stadium. After a 3-2 start to the season, stadium officials say the 49ers defensive team has been dropped as suspects as they probably couldn’t have hit anyone that hard.

Rolls Royce says it will add robotic chauffeurs to its cars by the end of the decade. The cars will be so fully automated to take care of the passengers’ needs they will never again be embarrassed by having to ask another passing car for Grey Poupon mustard.

The number of reindeer affected by radioactivity in Norway has hit a all time high. Which has made Christmas much more difficult for Santa as it’s now nearly impossible for him to determine which of the glowing deer is actually Rudolph.

A survey says 61.8 Million Americans don’t speak English as their primary language around the house. Which surprises linguistic experts who thought there were more people that lived in the area stretching from Texas to North Carolina.

Former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says the U.S. should gear up for a “30 year war” against the Islamic State. Apparently after three decades we should have enough alternative energy that we will finally be able to fight about something other than oil.

A pregnant woman in Phoenix was denied a request to use the bathroom at a Starbucks because she hadn’t bought anything. The alternative was buying a drinking a fully caffeinated Starbucks coffee and having a barista help deliver the baby right there.

A pregnant woman in Phoenix was denied a request to use the bathroom at a Starbucks because she hadn’t bought anything. Apparently she wanted to skip buying anything there in order to instead have the money to pay to put her kid through college.

The head of the FBI is comparing Chinese hackers to “drunk burglars.” Which is of a major concern since it was recently proven that even a drunk burglar can just walk in anytime through the front doors of the White House.

President Obama says he still has confidence in Joe Biden despite some recent gaffes. Apparently he sends Biden out to give speeches anytime he needs a distraction from Obamacare, the economy and the wars in the Middle East.

Argentina’s former economic minister has been absolved of any crimes. Apparently he was charged with stealing from the register at his new job working behind the counter at a Buenos Aires 7-Eleven.

Argentina’s former economic minister has been absolved of any crimes. Economists around the world were surprised. Argentina has an economic minister?

A bakery in Dubai is offering cupcakes with edible gold foil for $1,000. The worst part is when the wealthy people who eat them tell their help that their month’s wages are whatever they can prospect out of the toilet.

A bakery in Dubai is offering cupcakes with edible gold foil for $1,000. Apparently one of the chefs misunderstood the recipe and thought it said “carat” cake.

A Latin motto engraved in a New Jersey library mistakenly translates instead of “We check all things twice” to “se second guess everything.” Which means library officials are being second guessed for not checking it twice.

A Latin motto engraved in a New Jersey library mistakenly translates instead of “We check all things twice” to “se second guess everything.” It’s just too bad that library officials didn’t have access to a collection of books that might have been able to help them translate it correctly.

IKEA is offering new furniture that requires no tools and assembles in five minutes. Otherwise known as bean bag chairs.

IKEA is offering new furniture that requires no tools and assembles in five minutes. Which offers customers a place to sit and try to figure out the instructions for the other IKEA furniture in their house that is still in pieces three years later.

Wal-Mart is planning one stop shopping for customers to buy health coverage under plans offered through Obamacare. The hardest part was training Wal-Mart employees to be able to help since they keep asking “What’s health care coverage?”

A study says that fast food drive thru service is getting slower. Mostly because the workers are having to prepare eight or more lunches for a car with only two people in it.

Hewlett-Packard says it is splitting into two companies and will lay off 5,000 workers. It will be strange for people who have worked for HP their entire careers to now say they are working for “H” or “P.”

EBay has activated its new art auction site. So far, the first item to be sold was a painting someone made of a piece of Jesus toast.

EBay has activated its new art auction site. The legitimacy of some of the pieces is being questioned, like the advertised authentic Mona Lisa that was just sold to the top bid of $39.

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says that the punishment for the bailout of IG was harsh because it was supposed to send a message. It was so severe that company executives had to drop all the way down to lighting cigars with $20 bills.

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says that the punishment for the bailout of IG was harsh because it was supposed to send a message. Apparently that message is if you mess up again, we will do whatever you say to fix your mistakes at taxpayer expense.

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says that the punishment for the bailout of IG was harsh because it was supposed to send a message. And the next time it will be even worse, where the government will actually make them pay back some of the bailout money.

A new dating app called Luxy that caters to the wealthy calls itself “Tinder minus the poor people.” It is so exclusive that it doesn’t ask for profile photos of prospective members but instead of their chauffeur, butler and personal chef.

A report says that the average mileage of cars bought in August was down about a half gallon a mile. Mostly because of the extra gas needed by new GM car buyers to get through traffic to return their cars to the dealer for the latest recalls.

The Nobel Prize for medicine went to three scientists who discovered the brain’s internal GPS. The only problem is the scientists weren’t there to receive the award because they got lost trying to drive to Sweden.

A poll says that Federal Reserve Chairwoman Janet Yellen is unknown to three quarters of all Americans. Mostly because the only thing the three quarters of Americans know about the economy is they wish they had three quarters in their pocket.

Experts say that RadioShack’s rescue package only serves to water down the company’s stock. Which is pretty hard to do since the company has pretty much already been underwater for the past ten years.

Levi Strauss profits were down 2% in the third quarter. Although company official prefer to call the sag more of a “relaxed fit.”

A study says that having extraordinary experiences could hurt a relationship. But only if your girlfriend finds the pictures of her you have hidden away in your desk drawer.

A study says that having extraordinary experiences could hurt a relationship. Especially if you describe every time away from your partner as an extraordinary experience.

A study says that healthy women should be be prescribed therapy for low levels of testosterone. Unless they have their heart set on becoming a Rosie O’Donnell impersonator.

A study says that “sexting” is the new normal for teens. Mostly because it is so much easier than the way people used to experiment with sex by getting someone to buy them beer and using the back seat of their parents’ car.

President Obama says the U.S. will beef up security at airports to identify anyone who may have Ebola. The only problem is distinguishing someone who has been ravaged by the pain and suffering from the virus from someone who has just flown in on United.

French actor Gerard Depardieu says he became a prostitute and a grave robber when he was young. Which in the U.S. was always referred to as dating Larry King.

Kendall Jenner is reportedly being eyed as a new “angel” for Victoria’s Secret. Which would be a great combination to work with her dad Bruce who is making a play to be the next model for Spanx.

Amanda Bynes says she is engaged to a 19 year old bait shop worker. That ought to put to rest all those rumors she is back to using drugs and alcohol.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she was “shocked” by the 15 month prison sentence she was given for her fraud conviction. Apparently it was disappointing to find out she wasn’t either rich or famous enough to get a free ride through the legal system.

The Oakland Raiders buried a football after a team practice as a symbolic gesture. Although most people thought the team’s problems might have finally been over the day they buried Al Davis.

The Oakland Raiders buried a football after a team practice as a symbolic gesture. Although most fans feel anything of the Raiders would be a lot more at home just being put down in the cellar.

Michael Phelps has been suspended by USA Swimming for six months. Apparently his defense for drunk driving is that when he got out of the pool he must have switched his swimming goggles for his beer goggles.

Twitter is paying MIT $10 Million for a study where they go through every public tweet ever sent to see why social media generates more negative than positive energy. Although it could have to do with someone being paid to go through and read every single one of their tweets.

A new brand of sunglasses sends out a alert when they are left behind. Which will more than likely completely annoy the owner when they keep getting beeped every time there is a cloudy day.

Sprint says it will lay off enough employees to save $160 Million in order to become more competitive with other wireless providers. Which will happen just as soon as they figure out how to become somewhat competitive in the first place.

Sprint says it will lay off enough employees to save $160 Million in order to become more competitive with other wireless providers. Which means they can probably accomplish both by letting go of their top three executives.

GM is using Facebook to send messages to notify customers of recalls. Mostly because with 200 Million Americans using Facebook, it almost has as big a membership list as the number of recalls GM is sending out this year.

NASA is eyeing a type of deep sleep where astronauts would be nearly comatose as an option for use on a mission to Mars. Apparently the plan is to subject the astronauts to nothing but C-SPAN, NPR and Adam Sandler movies to knock them out for months at a time.

Artificial Intelligence experts say that over the next few years, robots will be taking most people’s jobs. The first job most people would like to see replaced by robots is those of Artificial Intelligence experts.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There is no joy in Mudville today, as the Dodgers blew another one last night. We have to win two straight in St. Louis or the season is over. In order to prevent any further depression, skip sending the love and just make sure you send some positive vibes to the Boys in Blue for tonight’s game!

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