Sunday, October 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pope Francis I has accepted the resignation of a British Bishop who admitted to having an affair with a married woman. At first the Church wasn’t sure how to handle the case since they have never had to deal with a sex scandal that actually involved a female.

Google has deleted thousands of nude photos of celebrities after they threatened to sue for $100 Million. Now the only way to see those celebrities naked is by shelling out $10 to watch them take all their clothes off in their movies.

The new TV show “Selfie” examines the social ravages of constantly being online. Especially for people who will only be able to see the show when Netflix offers it so they can watch it on their iPhone.

DHS chief Jeh Johnson is vowing to transform the Secret Service and ask “hard questions.” Like “Just where is the deadbolt located on the front doors of the White House?”

Piers Morgan is blaming CNN for the failure of his show. Mostly because it was airing on CNN.

Piers Morgan says CNN’s problems stem from too much concern about ratings. Obviously Hollywood has never thought that way, and that has been proven with the movie career of Adam Sandler.

Hackers reportedly exploited a J.P. Morgan employee password to gain access to information from 76 Million households. The employee says they have no idea how the password was hacked, since just last week they changed it from “12345” to “password.”

A shipment of crabs that got loose in the cargo hold delayed a U.S. Airways flight from New York City to Charlotte. It was the first time a flight was interrupted by crabs since a United Airlines flight attendant shared a seat with one of the passengers.

The Dallas hospital with the Ebola patient admits that both doctors and nurses knew the patient had recently arrived from Liberia. Apparently he was sent home until doctors were certain he had the disease and were even more certain he had health insurance.

Eleven children in Colorado have caught a mysterious illness that causes limb weakness, lethargy and a persistent cough. Coincidentally, the disease was first reported right around the time the state opened its first legalized marijuana store.

Harvard police are investigating a threatening e-mail that was sent to hundreds of students. The note was reportedly poorly written, being riddled with grammatical and punctuation errors. Which makes the students convinced it originated over at Yale.

Harvard police are investigating a threatening e-mail that was sent to hundreds of students. It was the scariest note that any of the students had ever been sent that didn’t come from the student loan department.

North Korea’s second in command met with officials from South Korea. Apparently he wanted to meet with the country’s leaders before he is eliminated by Kim Jong-un for the next second in command.

A New York City footbridge has been closed until engineers figure out why it is bouncing so much. Although it could have something to do with the fried bacon and pizza slice handcarts that do business at either end of the walkway.

Turkey’s President is demanding an apology from Joe Biden. The worst part about a Joe Biden apology is when he has to apologize afterwards for taking three hours to say he is sorry.

A New Jersey nun was beatified for curing a young boy. Apparently he liked to talk in class and she cured him by taking a ruler to his knuckles.

Researchers say that people without a college degree are 15% more likely to get a divorce than couples with degrees. Mostly because the couples without degrees have more money to use for their temptations since they aren’t broke from trying to keep up with their tuition loan payments.

Researchers say that couples with college degrees are 15% less likely to get a divorce. Especially the couples with psychology degrees who don’t need to spend all their money on therapy to save their marriage.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says he was turned down for a mortgage refinance on his home. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if he would have been able to refinance all the debt the government has piled up since 2000.

CVS has been fined $225,000 for exaggerating the size of wrinkle cream containers. Which wouldn’t have been so bad except that people were getting face wrinkles in the first place from wondering why the cream kept running out so quickly.

Marriott Hotels were fined $600,000 for jamming Wi-Fi hotspots around their hotel property in Nashville. Mostly because it was just too annoying to have all the guests using wireless Internet connections to play country music on their iPads.

Marriott Hotels were fined $600,000 for jamming Wi-Fi hotspots around their hotel property in Nashville. Apparently they wanted to make people at least leave the hotel before they went online to complain about their service.

A report says the job market is growing but wages are stagnant. Mostly because the only way most jobs will ever see a pay raise is if there is an increase in the minimum wage law.

RadioShack says it is trying to refinance a $535 Million credit line. The only question is who was dumb enough to loan RadioShack a half billion dollars?

IKEA has unveiled a line of furniture they say will take five minutes to assemble. Don’t we already have easy to put together coffee tables? College students call them milk crates.

GM has made its 74th recall this year, affecting 30 Million vehicles. It’s getting so bad that even the cars the dealers are using as loaners need to be replaced by loaners.

GM has made its 74th recall this year, affecting 30 Million vehicles. The good news for car owners who have fallen behind in their payments is that the repo man usually can’t get their car half way down the block before something else causes it to break down.

A study says the more alcohol young men drink, the lower their sperm count. The same goes with their IQ, number of teeth and odds of keeping a job more than a few weeks.

A study says the more alcohol young men drink, the lower their sperm count. Which is good, because who wants a bunch of young drunk men having kids they can’t pay to support?

Experts say that U.S. hospitals are prepared for the Ebola virus. Meaning just like in Dallas, when someone comes in exhibiting symptoms they will send them right back home.

Doctors removed an acupuncture needle from the stomach of a Chinese man where it had been lodged for 40 years. The man claims the acupuncture worked as once the needle was taken out he felt much better.

Brain scans show that parents react similarly to photos of their children as they do to pictures of their dogs. Mostly because both of them pretty much just want to sleep all day, eat all the time and need to be bathed once in awhile.

Studies say that college football players don’t tell when they have been hit in the head. However, it would be a lot easier to check them out for the effects of head injuries if they would just show up at any of their classes once in awhile.

The CDC responded to a passenger who became ill on a United Airlines flight that was headed to Newark. The crew became concerned when the passenger started showing symptoms long before they arrived in Newark.

The CDC responded to a passenger who became ill on a United Airlines flight that was headed to Newark. The only problem is figuring out if the person became sick from flying United or having to go through Newark.

A judge says she wanted to “send a message” in sentencing “Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice to prison for 15 months for fraud. As opposed to the message viewers of the show get that if you are wealthy, spoiled and self absorbed, you get your own reality show.

An early Sherlock Holmes film made in 1916 has been discovered in a vault in Paris. Obviously, it was no Sherlock Holmes who was in charge of figuring out where they left it.

The tax fraud trial of former “Jersey Shore” star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was delayed so he could shoot some episodes of another reality show. Apparently the judge wants to let him get it out of his system before he finds out a whole different type of reality when he is sentenced to prison.

The tax fraud trial of former “Jersey Shore” star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was delayed so he could shoot some episodes of another reality show. His defense strategy is to have the jury watch a few episodes of “Jersey Shore” and realize none of the cast members are smart enough to fill out a tax form.

“Teen Mom 2” star Kailyn Lowry has apologized for racist remarks she made. Although people are still waiting for her apology for being a part of “Teen Mom 2.”
  
A report says that Ryder Cup Captain Tom Watson ripped the team before Sunday’s single matches, refusing their gift and criticizing their play. Golfers who were there say the odds of Phil Mickelson making up with Watson are just slightly less than getting an invitation to the remarriage of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren.

Adam Sandler has signed a deal to make four movies that will be shown exclusively on Netflix. How bad is it when your movies are made for streaming because they aren’t even good enough to go straight to video?

An app called Swift Key allows texting by swiping over letters instead of tapping out each key. Which allows the user to type out a quick goodbye to whomever they are texting with while they are behind the wheel and look up to see the tree they are just about to drive into.

A sleep cycle app uses a person’s smartphone to record their sleep patterns. Although the best way to use your smartphone to get a good night’s sleep is to turn it off once in awhile before you go to bed.

The founder of LinkedIn says that employees should be treated as company “alumni.” The one difference is once they leave campus, don’t expect any of them to make any donations to their alma mater.

The founder of LinkedIn says that employees should be treated as company “alumni.” Especially when the company pays them minimum wage and just like in college they leave hopelessly in debt.

A survey says that 60% of consumers report improved customer service since 2013. The other 40% couldn’t take part in the survey because they are still on hold.

Bill and Melinda Gates topped the Forbes list of the most philanthropic Americans. Most of the other claims weren’t counted, especially the ones by business owners who claimed their charitable donations to the poor were the paychecks they gave to their minimum wage workers.

Bill and Melinda Gates topped the Forbes list of the most philanthropic Americans. Some other claims of charitable acts weren’t counted, like the Wall Street executives who now only light their cigars with $50 instead of $100 bills.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Whew, it was a close one last night with the Dodgers. After blowing the first game with Clayton Kershaw on the mound they won by one run to tie up the series. Even worse, the Giants are up 2-0 in their series and the Angels are down 2-0. This is bad. If my teams lose in baseball, then I have nothing positive to take me through the Raiders NFL season. Forget sending the love, just put all your energy into wins for the Dodgers and Angels and losses for the much hated Giants and we’ll be good!

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