Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that President Obama has given up, and that his approach is to present issues with logic. Which explains why he can’t get anything done with either Congress and the Supreme Court.

Former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that President Obama has given up, and that his approach is to present issues with logic. Apparently he needs to run business the conventional way in Washington, with everything going through the lobbyists.

Wal-Mart says it is cutting benefits for part time workers. The move came as a shock to the workers. When did they start getting any benefits?

Wal-Mart says it is cutting benefits for part time workers. Since the only “benefit” they get is their salary, that pretty much means they are all being reclassified as slaves.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s popularity has dropped to 21%. Political experts were shocked. How does someone in Congress manage to keep their ratings so high?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s popularity has dropped to 21%. The other 79% were asking “Who’s Harry Reid?”

A U.S. firm is warning that the first online murder could take place by the end of the year. With more appliances being controlled by computers, all they need to do is hack into a computer and lock someone’s refrigerator and starve them to death.

The Secret Service says that 60% of the threats against the President are made online. The other 40% are made by people who walk in through the unlocked front doors of the White House.

The Secret Service says that 60% of the threats against the President are made online. And that’s just the comment section on the Fox News website.

A firm says that robots and drones will take one third of all U.S. jobs by 2025. Which is really bad since the other two thirds have either disappeared in the recession or have gone over to India and China.

A firm says that robots and drones will take one third of all U.S. jobs by 2025. The worst part is when people are notified by seeing their office parking space turned into a runway where all the drones can land.

A study says that robotic surgery will raise costs and present more complications. Especially when the robots start getting a taste for synthetic oil and start flirting with the artificial respirators during operations.

A Detroit homeowner is offering his house in a trade for an iPhone6. Which takes care of all his problems as he can ditch the house and use the phone to call a cab for a ride out of Detroit.

A Detroit homeowner is offering his house in a trade for an iPhone6. The sad part is that there is actually an app for that.

CNN Worldwide is planning to lay off 300 workers. Apparently the network is trying to get to the point where their workforce is actually smaller than their audience.

Jimmy Kimmel asked several people on the street who Joe Biden is, and none of them could identify him as the Vice President. In their defense, since they were in Los Angeles none of them were actually from the U.S.

A study says that voice activated technology in cars can be dangerous. Especially when you have to keep arguing with Siri about who gets to pick which radio station to listen to.

The government is recommending a system that monitors droopy eyelids in drivers to warn them when they are about to nod off. Which would be really annoying for Sylvester Stallone who would have to listen to the alarm go off the minute he gets behind the wheel.

A study says that out of body and near death experiences may be real. Especially when the research involved passengers who had just gotten off a flight with United Airlines.

The CDC says that 110 Million Americans have an STD at any given time. No one had any idea the membership on Match.com had gotten that large.

A passenger who vomited on a United Airlines flight in Chicago set off an Ebola scare at the airport. Fortunately, medics on the scene realized she made the mistake of ordering an inflight chicken salad sandwich.

Outstanding student debt has reached a high of $1.2 Trillion. Just imagine how much it must be for the students who weren’t outstanding.

Outstanding student debt has reached a high of $1.2 Trillion. The sad part is that even with a college education, most of them can’t write out the number 1.2 Trillion.

A 20 year study says that marijuana is addictive, causes mental health problems and leads to other drug use. But only if you are forced to smoke pot every day for two decades.

Seattle has been named the top city for pedestrian safety. L.A. was not included on the list and will remain that way until researchers can find someone there who is actually walking.

Seattle has been named the top city for pedestrian safety, while Detroit has been named the worst. People there need to remember to look both ways, stay in the crosswalk and duck when gunfire erupts from a passing car.

An American and two Japanese physicists share the Nobel Prize for their work on LED lights. Their research answered the question of how many physicists does it take to screw in an LED bulb.

Officials are questioning the rising cost of generic drugs. Apparently pharmaceutical companies think their customers won’t get well as fast if they think that their knock off drugs are not as good if they don’t pay full price for them.

A survey says that half of all Americas are cutting back spending on travel, food and other costs to afford the latest tech gadgets. Which they can then use to go online and check out the countries and restaurants they could actually go to if they hadn’t spent all their money on an iPad.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that companies are not filling their job openings. Businesses disagree, saying they have filled many of the job openings they have had recently. It’s just that they do it now by making the extra work get done by someone already working there.

A deal to move a spy museum into the Carnegie Building in Washington, D.C. has fallen apart. Apparently it had to do with the failure to pass a measure for a Bond, James Bond.

The American journalist who contracted Ebola in Liberia says he believes he caught it while cleaning out an infected car. The journalist hopes the publicity will enable him to land a job with a news organization that doesn’t require him to clean out the cars.

The American journalist who contracted Ebola in Liberia says he believes he caught it while cleaning out an infected car. Which explains why so many workers at the car wash near Paris Hilton’s home have been coming down with Chlamydia.

A study says that some people are born with the predisposition to become addicted to coffee. The rest are apparently more inclined to become addicted to the usual drugs, alcohol and online porn.

A report says that “decision fatigue” may lead doctors to prescribe unnecessary antibiotics for their patients. Apparently decision fatigue is the same reason we go to the polls every election day and keep sending the same morons back to Washington, D.C.

A report says an MRI may spot early signs of mental decline. Especially for people who let their doctor bill them for an MRI and think there is a chance it can really detect mental decline.

A U.S. task force recommends screening all Americans over 45 for diabetes. Mainly to see how they made it that far without developing heart disease, high blood pressure or sleep apnea.

A study says the marriage break up rate is similar for gay and straight couples. It’s just that the “seven year itch” may not have the same cause or affect the same areas.

A study says the marriage break up rate is similar for gay and straight couples. Which is pretty good for gay couples to catch up so fast since they have only been able to do it a few years while straight couples have had millions of generations of practice.

The FDA is warning that some over-the-counter medications may impair people’s driving. But only if they are mixed properly and in the right amount with prescription drugs and alcohol.

The FDA is warning that some over-the-counter medications may impair people’s driving. The only problem is having to try them all to find the ones that cause just the right amount of impairment.

North West, the daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West reportedly has dolls that look just like her parents. Apparently the dolls’ manufacturer is getting thousands of requests for them, but only if they come with a set of needles.

Bruce Jenner was recently seen sporting shoulder length hair. Apparently wearing Spanx to make himself look thinner makes it just too hard to sit long enough in a beauty salon chair for a trim.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she “didn’t fully understand” the part of her plea deal that sent her to jail. Apparently it was just a little too far beyond her to actually ask her lawyer about any of those annoying details.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she “didn’t fully understand” the part of her plea deal that sent her to jail. Just like she didn’t understand any of her contract with the show that required her to actually try to do some acting.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she “didn’t fully understand” the part of her plea deal that sent her to jail. Apparently she missed the part of all those episodes of “Law & Order” she watched where the people who are found guilty end up in prison.

Cincinnati Bengals players blasted their “fair weather” fans. The only question is when have the Bengals ever brought any fair weather to any of their fans?

Cincinnati Bengals players blasted their “fair weather” fans. They know their true fans will stick with them for another 50 years they will maybe have a winning record by then.

A study says that Millennials’ health care concerns are for dental care and anxiety issues. The number one anxiety issue being going to the dentist’s office.

A study says that Millennials’ health care concerns are for dental care and anxiety issues. The anxiety is most likely brought on by the fact they can’t find any jobs that offer health care coverage anymore.

Reports say that iPhone 6 users say the devices sometimes pull out some of their hair. There were similar problems with the first iPhones, mostly from people pulling out their own hair when they were forced to sign up for service with AT&T.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad I was able to get my jokes out today. Last night was a rough night at work with several hours of tornado warnings in the viewing area. I hate when the weather gets in the way of the things I want to do! But that wasn’t the worst part of my night. My Dodgers were eliminated from the playoffs when once again their ace Clayton Kershaw was tagged for a late game home run. Oh, well. Both the Dodgers and Angels are out now. But I still have a team to root for through the playoffs. Whomever is playing the Giants. So with baseball over for me, we can get back to business again with my only request from you is to remember to send the love!

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