Friday, October 31, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say they have built “mini stomachs” for research purposes in the lab. They will use them to find out how to cure the problems caused by the maxi stomachs found in all Americans.

A report says that 71% of all new jobs in New Hampshire go to foreign born immigrants. Of course, in New Hampshire anyone who was born or ever lived even in Vermont or Maine is considered a foreigner.

A report says that 71% of all new jobs in New Hampshire go to foreign born immigrants. Mostly because it’s hard to find any Americans who are willing to sit and wait for three months to fill a bucket with sap dripping from a maple tree.

The mother of a student in Washington, D.C. is suing her school district for $11 Million after her son received oral sex from a substitute teacher. The worst part is that she was initially excited when her son says his teacher took him to the head of the class.

Lockheed Martin says it will buy a health care technology company. How expensive have medical costs gotten when a defense contractor that gets no-bid government deals decides it might just be in the wrong business?

Researchers say the Galapagos tortoise population has recovered because of a captive breeding program. Although one of the tortoises nearly escaped, but a massive hunt two months after it got through a fence was able to hunt it down nearly three feet away.

Researchers say the Galapagos tortoise population has recovered because of a captive breeding program. It was the most successful breeding program of animals living to nearly triple digits yet still being able to reproduce since Michael Douglas.

Interpol says it is considering charging airlines and other companies money for information on stolen passports. Mostly just so they can bill the airlines and say “So how’s it feel when you get hit with an extra fee?”

South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham says he was joking when he said that white men who belong to private clubs would “do great” if he was President. Which makes sense coming from someone who belongs to the most exclusive white men’s club in the country, the U.S. Senate.

The FTC has fined more than a dozen online dating sites for displaying fake profiles of women to get men to sign up. The only more fake profiles were the ones made up by the men in order to actually have a shot at meeting any of the fake profile women.

A severed arm from the 1862 Battle of Antietam is on display at the Civil War Museum in Maryland. The person it came from was unidentified but reportedly was on the Union side. Which brings accusations that the Confederates were shooting unarmed soldiers.

The Pope is warning Catholics that “the Devil is real.” In fact he just read a book that says a sure way to identify the demon is because it wears Prada.

In an attempt to monitor the latest business trends, IBM supercomputer Watson will mine 500 Million tweets a day. Otherwise known as the life of a 28 year old single unemployed man who spends all day using the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks.

The Lakeland Company in New York that manufactures hazmat suits has seen its stock go up 40% because of the Ebola scare. Either that or Paris Hilton is back on the dating circuit again.

Auction.com will use Google data to predict home sales trends. Which was a lot easier during the mortgage crisis when the trend was pretty much buy a home and move into an apartment six months later when it was foreclosed.

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. The first question on the list is “Do you have $35 Million?”

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. To which Takata is asking “Is it essay or multiple choice?”

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. To which Takata is asking how many do they have to get right before paying the fine.

A San Diego online dating site is using DNA matches to find compatible couples. Don’t we already have DNA matched dating? It’s called “Alabama.”

Stockton, California has won a court approved exit from bankruptcy. Apparently they convinced the judge if he didn’t approve their case they would get him transferred to Michigan and let him work on figuring how to clean up Detroit’s economy.

McDonald’s says it is changing its U.S. organizational structure. Which is ironic in that there has been a change in structures all across the country which have to be bigger and more sturdy to hold the people who eat at McDonald’s.

Microsoft says its new Band smartwatch will make wearers “a better human.” For one thing it will teach them to beware of the next time someone tries to sell them technology that promises to change their life and takes them for $199.

Government data says that women and southerners are hit the hardest by poverty. Fortunately the success of “The Kardashians,” “Honey Boo Boo” and “Duck Dynasty” shows there is a way for those groups to get out of the poverty cycle by just landing a part on a reality TV show.

Government data says that consumers are not spending as fast as their income is growing. Mostly because they are using any extra money to pay off all the debt they acquired in the past seven years when they didn’t have an income.

Gerber is being sued by the FTC for deceptive claims about their baby formula. Apparently many babies fell for their ads that promised “Googoo baba gaga.”

Honey Boo Boo’s mother “Mama June” Shannon says the controversy over her dating a convicted sex offender is tearing their family apart. Now who could have guessed that dating a convicted sex offender while you still have kids at home would have caused any problems?

A report says that Tom Cruise is dating Lindsay Lohan. They make a great couple as he likes to jump on the same couch that she is lying on when she sees her psychoanalyst.

A new ad by Victoria’s Secret which touts “the perfect body” has sparked outrage. So far, 10,000 people have signed an online petition calling for an apology. It is estimated of the 10,000 signers as many as three may be men.

Supermodel Elle Macpherson says she gave up alcohol and drugs to become fit at age 50. Which is different than when she was 14 and in order to become a supermodel she gave up food.

Jennifer Lopez says she “felt abused” in her past relationships. Apparently she is referring to the mental and physical exhaustion from having to fill out divorce papers against three different husbands.

Greg Allman has been dropped from a lawsuit stemming from a train accident that happened during the filming of a movie about his life. Apparently the lawyers figured it would be redundant since his whole life has pretty much been one big train wreck.

“The View” will be taken over by ABC News and placed in their non-fiction branch of programming. Apparently that move took place after they cut down the number of co-hosts to four and people could actually hear what one of them was saying once in awhile.

Paul Reubens says he is coming out with a new movie featuring Pee-wee Herman. People are just being advised that when the movie has its premier to make sure not to sit within two seats on either side of Reubens.

A judge says a trial is needed to determine if the Robin Thicke song “Blurred Lines” stole from Marvin Gaye’s “Got To Give It Up.” To which there have already been three million requests to serve on the jury by men who figure the evidence will include the uncensored video.

Medical experts say the NFL can do a better job of following concussion guidelines. And a better job with domestic violence, drug abuse, criminal activity, firearms...

Gary Player says he would like one hour with Tiger Woods to help his game. Apparently he figures it won’t take any longer than that to slap him and say “And that’s from Elin!”

The New York Yankees have reinstated Alex Rodriguez after his 162 game suspension for using PEDs. Apparently it’s part of the league’s new 12 strikes and you’re out policy.

The New York Yankees have reinstated Alex Rodriguez after his 162 game suspension for using PEDs. Apparently the Yankees think that their traditional pinstripes will be complemented by A-Rod’s matching pinhead.

23.5 Million people watched Game 7 of the World Series between the Giants and Royals. Apparently those were the people who just didn’t feel like watching the other TV sports offerings that night of football, basketball, hockey, soccer, tennis or golf.

Smartphones have stalled at controlling 70% of the cellphone market in the U.S. Which still begs the question as to why they are called “smartphones” when they put such a dumb look on the faces of the people who are glued to their screens all day.

Smartphones have stalled at controlling 70% of the cellphone market in the U.S. The other 30% will come around and get a smartphone just as soon as they can finally figure out how to get the VCR they still have hooked up to their analogue TV set to stop constantly flashing “12:00.”

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” It’s the one class where students actually spend all of their time out of class doing homework.

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” Apparently it is a course designed to help them cope with all the free time they will have once they graduate college.

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” Which is known to the parents of the students taking the class as “Wasting Our Money On A Worthless Education.”

Starbucks is planning a delivery service in select cities next year. The only problem will be finding drivers who are as arrogant and snobby when they make a delivery as the baristas are who will be making the drinks.

Starbucks is planning a delivery service in select cities next year. It will cater to people who don’t have a half hour every morning to waste standing behind someone in line who can’t decide if they want a mocha latte, Frappuccino or handcrafted soda.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will hold a Q&A session on Facebook next week. The only problem is that he had so much fun with the one he did last week in China that he will only be answering everyone in Mandarin.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Halloween, the scariest day of the year. Well, actually that would be next Tuesday when we send the same batch of idiots back to Washington, D.C. The really scary part is seeing all the people they let vote to cancel out your thoughtful decisions in the polling booth. It will just be nice to get rid of all those political ads that are filling up the airwaves. I just hope the FCC will make them at least be more honest. The only problem is that the Truth in Advertising committee is still working on the campaign ads from 1968. Hope you all have a great weekend, and I will see you again with more jokes on Monday. In the meantime, if you are still without a costume idea for Trick-Or-Treat you can always dress like Cupid which will make it easy to send the love!

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