Thursday, October 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google is developing a new computer that will program itself. Which means since it was designed by men, it will immediately be able to automatically search the Internet for all the best porn sites.

A candidate for Lt. Governor in Arkansas has admitted having a past job as a male stripper. Which is different than during the Clinton years when the candidates became male strippers after being elected governor.

A poll says that Americans trust the NSA more than Google. Mostly because Google is handing over all the personal information the NSA is too dumb to figure out how to get on their own.

FBI agents are being accused of posing as Internet repairmen at a Las Vegas hotel as part of an international gambling bust. Which shows how far government operatives have progressed since the days of Watergate, when they were only skilled enough to pretend to be plumbers.

FBI agents are being accused of posing as Internet repairmen at a Las Vegas hotel as part of an international gambling bust. Which would have been a lot more successful if they had done the raid at a place where gambling isn’t completely legal.

A study says that drinking three glasses of milk a day is linked to an earlier death. Especially when the milk is being used to wash down three Big Macs, a large fries and an entire box of Oreos.

Pope Francis I is warning of an increase in Satanism and the occult. Apparently no one has told him that people dressing up like the Devil often happens right around the time Halloween rolls around.

A report says the total world debt is approaching $100 Trillion. Which means we owe each other so much we might as well just agree to just start over and call it even.

A report says the total world debt is approaching $100 Trillion. Which is good news for the U.S. because it makes that $17 Trillion we borrowed from everyone else not look like all that much.

A Denver Broncos fan who disappeared during a game and was found five days later says he “had his fill of football” and went for a walk. Which would make it understandable if half the residents of Oakland just vanished every Sunday.

The Mayor of Boston says the city is preparing for climate change. Which means they are going to pretty much ban people from reading the Drudge Report and watching Fox News.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. Otherwise known as their business model.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. The company says they are just glad the lawsuit didn’t also accuse them of ignoring complaints, providing poor service and regularly lying about everything.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. To which all the nation’s banks are saying “You’re not supposed to do that?”

A Florida man has broken the record for the most expensive Starbucks drink, calling for 101 shots of espresso and costing $83.75. In other words, it was almost $3 more than a venti mocha latte.

A Florida man has broken the record for the most expensive Starbucks drink, calling for 101 shots of espresso and costing $83.75. That didn’t even include the tip or the extra fee for the defibrillator that had to be used three times before the customer was done.

Apple is reportedly in talks to make the iPhone available in Iran. The only snag is waiting for Siri to get all the way through the condensed version of the Rosetta Stone’s “Farsi for beginners.”

The number of billionaires around the world jumped to 1,645 since the financial crisis. No one had any idea there were that many princes in the Royal Family in Nigeria.

A study says that Millennials are not likely to be involved in politics other than online. Mostly because Millennials are not likely to be doing anything that isn’t somehow connected to the Internet.

WOW Air is making flights to Iceland from the U.S. for as little as $99. The only problem is that a lot of airports know the airline as “MOM” when it comes in for many of its landings while flying upside down.

A report says that Moody’s gives the government fiscal position a healthy rating. Not only that, they also cleared Larry King to run a Marathon and have given Amanda Bynes the OK to get right back behind the wheel again.

A report says that Moody’s gives the government fiscal position a healthy rating. Although it is interesting how being late on your power bill will keep you from getting a car loan but that $17 Trillion national debt really hasn’t raised any eyebrows yet.

A report says that health insurance companies are doing better than ever because of Obamacare. So the law is covering millions of Americans while bringing in profits. No wonder people don’t trust it. If the government is doing something right, there has to be a catch somewhere.

Ford is recalling 205,000 Crossover SUVs because of fuel tank leaks. Apparently the vehicle got its name because its owners are ready to crossover and buy a Toyota, Honda or Nissan instead.

The CEO of Blackberry is telling people to keep buying Blackberrys and not to be tempted by the latest whistles and bells of other cellphones. Although tech experts think it probably wasn’t a good idea to go old school and offer the latest Blackberry with a rotary dial.

Westminster, Massachusetts is considering a ban of all tobacco sales. They would be the first city in Massachusetts to try to outlaw smoking since Salem passed a law prohibiting residents to light up anyone accused of being a witch.

A study says that dairy products may not help save bones. In fact, it could hurt a person’s bones by making them carry around all that extra weight from eating all that cheese, ice cream and butter.

A study says that women often ignore signs they are having heart trouble. Mostly because they don’t have time when they are holding down a job while cooking, cleaning and providing around the clock care for their husband who has come down with a case of the sniffles.

The American Heart Association is recommending a healthy lifestyle in its stroke prevention guidelines. Mostly making sure people are lying down when they open up their latest monthly statement of their 4101(k).

The American Heart Association is recommending a healthy lifestyle in its stroke prevention guidelines. Apparently people can become upset to the point of suffering a stroke when their cigarette falls into their beer which splashes all over their triple cheeseburger.

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. Although the good news is that hospitals across the country have their X-Ray machines on standby to check millions of children’s Halloween candy for tampering.

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. Why would anyone expect hospitals to be geared up to help anyone who may actually be sick?

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. At least not until the correct Ebola forms are printed in triplicate that can be sent to insurance companies for immediate reimbursement.

A report says that 12% of colleges and universities in the U.S. have tanning beds on campus. The other 88% figure their students will get tans the old fashioned way, by running around naked on a Florida beach while drunk during spring break.

A report says that 12% of colleges and universities in the U.S. have tanning beds on campus. The rest feel their students will feel burned enough after they graduate and get their first bill for payment of their student loan.

New crash test dummies are being modeled after passengers who weigh 270 pounds and are more like the average American. Not only that, but to increase the realism the crash tests are all taking place in the drive-thru lanes of fast food restaurants.

Bruce Jenner was recently spotted with a manicure that came with hot pink nail polish. The only confusion for people who have heard the rumor he is preparing for a sex change is from what and to what?

Jose Canseco reportedly shot off his finger accidentally in Las Vegas. Police report that no alcohol was involved. Which is unfortunate because now instead of being able to blame it on being drunk, he has to admit it happened because he is an idiot.

Honey Boo Boo’s family members are reportedly turning on each other as the sex abuse scandal worsens. Or as that is known in the reality TV business, the opening episode script for the new season.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she is “open” to letting the cameras film her before she starts her prison sentence. Mostly because being recorded during a personally embarrassing time is how she became famous as a reality TV star in the first place.

Taylor Swift says she is not naturally edgy, sexy or cool. Which may be why she can’t ever seem to keep a boyfriend more than two weeks at a time.

Taylor Swift says she is not naturally edgy, sexy or cool. Which most guys will agree it is not edgy, sexy or cool to make money from singing about how bad their relationship was.

Ashton Kutcher says he has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Someone actually used to listen to Charlie Sheen?

Ashton Kutcher says he has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Even Charlie Sheen has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen because it’s hard to figure out which of the voices in his head is actually his anymore.

A report says that the unfinished Orson Welles film “The Other Side Of The Wind” that was shot in the 1970s could be released in 2015. Not to say the movie doesn’t sound promising, but the 40 year delay was apparently an attempt to wait for all the original film reviewers to finally die.

Joe Maddon is expected to be named the new manager of the Cubs. Which is about as relevant as knowing who was set to take the helm for the second voyage of the Titanic.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says the league will avoid a work stoppage in 2017. Mostly because the season goes so long now it will be impossible to tell when the 2016 season ends and 2018 begins.

Scientists say they have found a 700 year old virus by going through caribou droppings. Although it would have been easier to accomplish the same thing by retrieving a handkerchief from Larry King.

Hackers reportedly broke into a White House network. No matter how hard the hackers tried, they couldn’t do any more damage to the Obama Administration than what was already done by the Obamacare website.

Movie theaters are banning wearable tech because of the fear of people recording movies. The one way theater management can be sure a person doesn’t have any wearable tech is if they are actually bringing a date with them.

Microsoft has laid off another 3,000 people. Which has caused the company to rewrite the old saying and tell the former employees that when a new version of Windows opens, half the company is kicked out the door.

Experts say that a major cyberattack will happen somewhere in the world in the next 11 years that could cause significant loss of life or property. In other words, subprime loans are going to be offered over the Internet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is a very depressing day for true baseball fans around the world. For one thing the World Series over, marking the end of the warm sports season and bringing us into the boring NFL year. What is much, much worse is that the much hated Giants lucked their way into winning the ‘Series after finishing second to the mighty Dodgers during the regular season. Oh, well. I guess if you let enough teams into the playoffs things like this can happen. I guess the only option being a Raiders fan is to go into hibernation until Spring Training. The only way to bring me out of this funk is to make sure to try extra hard to remember all winter long to keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Haven't dropped you a line in a while, but I just wanted to say I've been reading weekly and loving it. You rock, Jim!