Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A breath test has been developed that can detect disease. Although it’s pretty obvious something is wrong when a smoker hasn’t had a cigarette in hours and is still billowing smoke out of their lungs.

A breath test has been developed that can detect disease. Apparently the patient is a prime candidate for heart disease if they blow positive for Big Mac.

The Tax Foundation says that Wyoming has the best tax climate in the nation. Mostly because it’s hard to attract businesses there because they have the worst weather climate in the nation.

Cuba is building its first new church in 55 years. Mostly because the people there found it is not as effective to get your prayers answered there by going to church as it is to take lessons on how to row, sail and swim.

A study says that men who have had sex with at least 20 women have a lower risk of prostate cancer. Mostly because there won’t be much left of their reproductive system once their wife finds out.

Google is working on a pill that can detect illness. It is mostly going to be used on people who are scared into thinking they are seriously ill after looking up their symptoms on Google.

Taco Bell has unveiled their new mobile ordering app. Which means that customers can now order their fourth meal right from the emergency room where they are being treated for their first, second and third meals.

A movement to live in tiny homes of less than 200 square feet is growing across the country. The only problem is for the majority of Americans who call a 200 square foot living space their pants.

A report says that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has been out of the public eye because of recent ankle surgery. Apparently he injured himself kicking his family members who can’t help but giggle every time they look at his haircut.

China has reportedly caught 2,500 students cheating with high tech methods on a pharmacist test. Apparently it isn’t easy to know exactly which illnesses require prescriptions for rhinoceros horn, ginseng or dried scorpion.

Four Civil War battlefields will get $2.2 Million for upkeep. With all the southern states talking about seceding again, the military wants to keep the sites in fighting shape for when the next war between the states breaks out.

The Navy will use a new survey in order to measure sailors’ body shapes. With Americans continuing to get larger in size, the new classifications will be similar to the naval vessels they resemble, going from dirigible to battleship to aircraft carrier.

Former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega’s lawsuit against a video game company for using his image has been dropped. In a related story, Gene Shalit is preparing to sue Nintendo for using his image for the Mario Brothers all these years.

The AP and Seattle Times are upset the FBI created a fake news story to catch a bomb suspect back in 2007. The worst part is that it took the AP and Seattle Times seven years to realize a story they ran was made up.

The AP and Seattle Times are upset the FBI created a fake news story to catch a bomb suspect back in 2007. The only news source not complaining was Fox News who thought it was OK since most their stories are also made up.

Bjorn Ulvaeus from ABBA is pushing for a cash-free Sweden. Mostly because none of ABBA’s records have pulled in any cash since 1976.

A report says that USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times are the top three newspapers for circulation in the country. Apparently the study was based on picking out which newspapers were most frequently found in the recycling bin.

A report says that USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times are the top three newspapers for circulation in the country. Apparently the report was based on a study done by USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times.

Whirlpool is selling a “smart” washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet. It’s being called a smart washing machine because it isn’t as dumb as the person who pays $1,700 for a washing machine.

Whirlpool is selling a “smart” washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet. Authorities are concerned it could be used by hackers who steal cash through bank accounts online to use the machine for money laundering.

A poll shows that California voters support a ballot initiative that would all the insurance commissioner to deny health insurance premium rate hikes for people with individual plans. Which is great news for the three people who can actually afford their own health insurance anymore.

The government is accusing AT&T of misleading customers who signed up for unlimited wireless data on their cellphone plan. The only question is how is that different than the way they mislead people who signed up for cellphone, home phone or Internet service?

AutoNation has stopped selling cars that have recalled airbags. Apparently that means they will sell cars that have had all the other parts recalled which means they will still be stocking all GM vehicles.

A Lowe’s store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. The only problem is that when someone asks for the hardware section the robot keeps saying “You mean the snack shop?”

A Lowe’s store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. The only problem is that when someone asks for the hardware section the robot keeps saying “I’ve got some hardware right here.”

A study says that Millennials start saving for retirement at an early age. For Baby Boomers, saving for retirement early means starting in their 60s since they won’t even have a chance to call it quits until they are into their 90s.

A study says that head injuries after 65 may boost a person’s risk of getting dementia. Especially if the head injury results from falling down a flight of stairs they forgot was there.

A study says that giving children fake medicine can quiet their cough. Although most parents end up giving their children cough syrup not for their cough but to quiet all the other noise they make while they are awake.

A study says that text messages that remind people to take their medication could help fight the spread of malaria. It helps even more when people get texts reminding them not to go to Central and South America, Southern Asia and Africa.

A study says that morphine is not the best choice for pain relief for children with broken bones. Especially since kids will break even more bones after trying to walk around after taking a dose of morphine.

A study says that home blood pressure monitors could be off as much as 15% of the time. Which means if the machines constantly give high readings , a person could actually get high blood pressure from thinking how much it will cost for blood pressure medications.

A doctor in California performed heart surgery on the physician who delivered him 45 years before. Although the bad part about the story is the doctor performing the heart surgery was actually a podiatrist.

A doctor in California performed heart surgery on the physician who delivered him 45 years before. The worst part was when the patient awoke after the successful surgery, the heart doctor slapped him and said “So how’s it feel when someone does it to you?”

Julia Roberts says she risked her career by not having a facelift. Apparently by not getting the surgery she missed out on a chance to be cast in the leading role for “The Bruce Jenner Story.”

Julia Roberts says she risked her career by not having a facelift. Apparently she feels having a facelift would have made people think it really wasn’t her who starred in “The Pelican Brief.”

A London hotel is offering Harry Potter-themed rooms. For obvious reasons, the rooms are all set up for single occupancy.

Amanda Bynes has been ordered to spend the next month under psychiatric care. Apparently her analysts have figured out her problem. She is suffering delusions that she is really Lindsay Lohan.

Phil Collins has handed over his vast collection of artifacts from the Alamo over to the state of Texas. Apparently Collins is so into the historic site that he even turned over the used vehicle he purchased from Alamo Rent A Car.

Phil Collins has handed over his vast collection of artifacts from the Alamo over to the state of Texas. Apparently Collins is so into the historic site that he once actually tried to make a trade to get an authentic Bowie knife straight across for David Bowie.

David Gregory will join Katie Couric for an election special on Yahoo. The worst part is they will get more people commenting on the pictures of what they are eating during the special that they post over on Facebook.

Honey Boo Boo’s father Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson says he wants custody of his kids but he is broke. It’s too bad he didn’t have a source of income over the past several years that would have given him some money he could have put in the bank, say from something like a reality TV show.

Jose Canseco reportedly shot himself in the hand at his home in Las Vegas. Which is different from how he usually opens his mouth and ends up shooting himself in the foot.

Jose Canseco reportedly shot himself in the hand at his home in Las Vegas. Canseco has been shooting himself for years, the only difference is that he is usually doing it with a hypodermic needle instead of a gun.

Researchers say that Gladiators in ancient Rome drank a type of sports drink while performing. Apparently it was called “Gladiatorade.”

Researchers say that Gladiators in ancient Rome drank a type of sports drink while performing. The only difference is that anyone who won a match and dumped a bucket of the drink on the Emperor ended up being scheduled next against the lions.

An ancient Greek wine cup was found that was decorated with the constellations. Apparently it was the earliest version of GPS ever found that would help someone navigate their way home after using it to get drunk.

A study says that reptiles that have sex earlier in their life and more often and feast on meat live a shorter life. Which is also true in the mammal world where such creatures are known as NBA players.

The Forest Service says that people are risking their lives to take selfies in national parks near bears. Which is different than celebrities who are risking their careers by getting hacked into their selfies where they are bare.

The last plasma TV manufacturer is calling it quits and will stop making them. Apparently they were called plasma screens because people were so addicted to the new technology when they came out they were selling their blood to get enough money to buy one.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day full of hilarity and buffoonery. I am talking about all the political commercials that have been playing non-stop on TV the past few weeks. The election is coming up in just a few days, after which our elected officials will thank the voters and disappear until it’s time to start fundraising for the next election in 2016. Hopefully these jokes will be a bit of a distraction from the other jokes that we keep sending back to Washington, D.C. In the meantime, you can always divert your attention to something that gets much better results, which is remembering to send the love!

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