Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CDC has forced New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to release the nurse quarantined for Ebola. The only problem is now she has to be quarantined for being in New Jersey.

Donald Trump says the CDC should be “ashamed” for opposing strict quarantines for Ebola. The CDC says that is a harsh comment coming from someone who isn’t ashamed to go outside with that haircut.

An analysis says that Obamacare has largely succeeded in delivering its promises. Mostly the promise that Republicans would use it as their main issue to try to take back control of Congress and the White House.

A new device allows people to control their cellphone with their shoes. Although when they use their phones in a theater or restaurant other people have found a better way to control them with their shoes by stomping on them a few times.

A right to life amendment in North Dakota says that life begins at conception. Although most people there will say that life really begins when you are able to get out of North Dakota.

A high school in Arizona is defending its nickname of the Redskins. Mostly because it isn’t referring to Native Americans as much as it is the white people in Arizona who go outside for five minutes without sunscreen and get a second degree sunburn.

A study says that chocolate can reverse memory loss in the elderly. Although fortunately for men it still has the power to make women forget all the dumb things that men do when they give them a box of Godiva.

Pope Francis I says that the Big Bang doesn’t contradict intervention by a Divine Creator. Although he does admit he wishes God would get more involved and get Leonard to propose to Penny.

Silicon Valley has turned its attention to find the cure for aging. Besides the tech industry policy of firing any employees once they reach 50.

A report says that robots will make up the battlefields of the future. Although it will be a little tough getting used to seeing wounded soldiers now awarded the Purple Motherboard.

A report says that robots will make up the battlefields of the future. The biggest change is that all the problems experienced with soldiers at the VA hospitals will now become a backlog in the repair department at Best Buy.

A Connecticut man was arrested for molesting a neighbor’s pit bull. If nothing else it gives a whole new definition to having unsafe sex.

The National Science Foundation is tracking misinformation that is spread over Twitter. Apparently they have come up with a term for anything that contains inaccurate or misleading on Twitter. They call them “tweets.”

Hacking tops the list of crimes that Americans worry about the most. The biggest fears used to be car theft and house robberies but those are no longer a big deal since 2007 when most Americans had their vehicles repossessed and their homes foreclosed.

LeBron James’ $21 Million salary will bring a reported impact of $215 Million to Cleveland. That is, at least if James spends his money as fast as NBA players like Allen Iverson and Antoine Walker.

China says it is considering dropping the death penalty for several crimes. So far some of the more serious offenses taken off the list of capital crimes and changed to long prison sentences include both jaywalking and double parking.

Passengers were held on a plane at LAX for several hours after someone noticed a Wi-Fi hotspot on their phone called the “Al Queda Free Terror Network.” If the person who named the site really wanted to scare airport passengers, they would have named it after a group that invokes even more fear in flyers, like the TSA.

Passengers were held on a plane at LAX for several hours after someone noticed a Wi-Fi hotspot on their phone called the “Al Queda Free Terror Network.” Although the real reason the airline was concerned was they were afraid if it were really a free network they would lose the $20 fee they charge passengers for a Wi-Fi connection.

Toyota has topped Consumer Reports reliability rankings. Apparently they finished in first place because people most often tend to call their friends with Toyotas to give them a ride to the dealer to pick up their GM, Ford and Chryslers that are in the shop for the latest recalls.

The Secretary of State in Louisiana is predicting a 50% voter turnout on election day. Political experts are skeptical. They have doubts that there is that high a percentage of people in the state who are 18 or older, not a convicted felon and can sign their name.

A Civil War soldier will be awarded the Medal of Honor for heroism. Apparently the administration had to go back that far to find a war we have been involved in that is actually over.

A Civil War soldier will be awarded the Medal of Honor for heroism. The medal was taken so long to be presented to the soldier because it was just last month that they finally got their paperwork to be released from the VA hospital.

A survey says that most millionaires are concerned about income inequality in the U.S. Mostly because they think there is just too much of a gap between where they are and how much it will take for them to become billionaires.

Gasoline prices are the cheapest they have been in four years. Which would be good news if the gas prices four years ago weren’t so high that everyone had to sell their cars and start riding the bus.

Gasoline prices are the cheapest they have been in four years. Apparently oil company executives want to be generous and help bring back political stability in the world as a way of saying thanks for all the wars we started over oil that paid for all their vacation homes where they will be staying the rest of the year.

A report says that bicycle deaths have increased 16% in the past two years, with California having the most fatalities. Which is mostly the cyclists’ fault for trying to ride on bike paths during rush hour and get in the way of SUV drivers who find them the best way to get around all the other traffic.

Consumer Reports says that infotainment systems are the most troublesome features in 2014 vehicles. Aside from the drivers who cause all the accidents because they are distracted by their vehicles infotainment systems.

GM workers will reportedly get smaller bonuses this year. Actually, they will get their same bonus as last year but a portion of it will just be recalled.

A report says that environmental groups will spend $85 Million on the 2014 elections. Apparently they found out if you want to get results from politicians, there is only one real way to go green.

Detroit has made its final arguments to exit bankruptcy. Apparently it is their final argument because they even ran out of money for their legal department.

Detroit has made its final arguments to exit bankruptcy. Their tactic is to show that they are so far in debt that staying in bankruptcy will give the false impression that they will ever be able to actually pay their way out.

CBS is preparing to launch a 24 hour digital news network. Which is pretty ambitious for a network whose average viewer still has a VCR hooked up to their TV that perpetually flashes “12:00.”

A report says that fewer than half the people who have wearable tech use it every day. Mostly because they revert back to wearing sunglasses to hide the black eye they got from women who thought they were taking pictures of them with their Google Glass.

A survey says that few U.S. hospitals are ready to handle Ebola. Mostly because only a few hospitals can even handle minor accidents, the flu and outpatient surgery.

A survey says that few U.S. hospitals are ready to handle Ebola. That should be taken care of as soon as they figure out exactly which forms need to be filled out to get prompt payment from the insurance companies of any victims.

31,000 pounds of chicken products have been recalled in Pennsylvania. Nutrition experts were shocked. No one even knew that GM had gotten into the poultry business.

A food scores database app ranks 80,000 grocery items by their ingredients and nutrition. The worst part is that most of the items in the frozen food section finished behind half of the selections in the hair care aisle.

Hospitals are reportedly furious with recent price hikes by pharmaceutical companies for cancer drugs. With patients having to pay so much money for their medications, there is hardly enough to cover the hospitals’ 500% profit margin.

A study says that gut microbes are being linked to the risk of heart failure. Especially when the microbes in a person’s gut are mostly those from Big Macs, Whoppers and Cheese Gorditas.

Ten brands of baby wipes have been recalled because they are possibly contaminated with bacteria. Although anyone who has ever used baby wipes knows that even the Ebola virus is no match for one change of a dirty baby diaper.

Gene Simmons from KISS says that women should assume there will be no men in their life to depend on. Which sounds spot on from a man who is in his 60s and is still wearing stage makeup to play to audiences of teenage boys.

“Honey Boo Boo” star “Mama June” Shannon reportedly cold lose custody of her children after dating a convicted child molester. The only question for anyone who has ever watched “Honey Boo Boo” is why she even had custody of those kids in the first place?

The International Surfing Association president is pushing to get surfing as an Olympic event. The only problem is getting the IOC to agree to giving the next Olympics to Newport Beach, Malibu or Santa Barbara.

The International Surfing Association president is pushing to get surfing as an Olympic event. The only problem will be getting the other Olympic athletes in the Village to get used to the smell of beer, pizza and burning incense.

Former Clemson football coach Tommy Bowden says that Condoleezza Rice should not be on the CFP Committee because she has never played football. She has never served as a soldier, either but that didn’t stop her from helping get us into Iraq and Afghanistan.

The GM of the Chicago Bears says they are not ready to give up on their season. To which the Raiders are saying not only have they given up on this season, they are pretty much already done with 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Charles Barkley says the NBA commissioner needs to institute a domestic violence policy immediately. Apparently Barkley thinks family members should be protected, and that NBA players should only be allowed to throw perfect strangers through plate glass windows when they are out drinking at a bar.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day for music yesterday with the news of the passing of the great bassist and singer Jack Bruce at age 71. Bruce played with the supergroup Cream and was also with West, Bruce and Laing. It was always reported that Bruce and the other members of Cream, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker couldn’t stand each other and only could stand each other long enough to work through their performances. Sort of like most marriages. Another great one from the ‘60s gone. Which means today you are excused from sending the love here as long as you take some time to remember the great Jack Bruce!

No comments: