Sunday, October 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I says corruption is like “bad breath.” Which means the way to avoid jail time for bribes, graft and embezzlement isn’t a good legal team but a generous supply of Tic-Tacs.

Charles Barkley says that “unintelligent blacks” are being “brainwashed” to keep successful blacks down. Which means that he has become his own worst enemy.

A headband app that costs $300 is reportedly able to calm down the user. Until their spouse finds out they spent $300 for a headband app.

A study says that giant walls across the central U.S. would not stop tornadoes. Although it turns out the real reason they were proposed was by west coast residents who want to keep the people of Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas from moving any further out west.

A study says that giant walls across the central U.S. would not stop tornadoes. It’s already been shown that even proposing a wall can promote whirlwinds, like the firestorm from even talking about a wall across the Mexican border.

The number of unemployed people in France is up to a record 3.43 Million. People are becoming discouraged when unable to find a job no matter how arrogant and rude of a personality they have been able to develop.

Cream bassist and singer Jack Bruce has died at age 71. Funeral arrangements are pending but word is he will be Cream-ated.

A nurse who was quarantined for Ebola at Newark Liberty Airport has criticized her treatment. Mostly for the fact that she was being held with no way to get out of Newark.

An Israeli minister says there is a crisis in the country’s relationship with the U.S. To which the countries in Europe, Asia, South America and Africa are saying “You too?”

Illinois has joined New York and New Jersey in quarantining anyone who has had contact with an Ebola patient. Or has had contract with anyone in New York or New Jersey.

The FCC has delayed auctioning of TV airwaves for mobile use. Apparently they are trying to decide which is worse, having people glued to the couch watching TV or making it even harder to get their faces from being attached to their cellphones.

A report says that one third of wearable tech users have discarded their devices with disappointment. Mostly because showing up with wearable tech resulted in most of them ending up with a wearable wedgie.

A report says that one third of wearable tech users have discarded their devices with disappointment. Although anyone who has to work or live with them has watched them discard their devices with happiness and relief.

Investor Carl Icahn is asking Atlantic City casino workers to give up their health care. Mostly because anyone in the gambling industry knows that trying to get health insurance companies to cover anything is a losing bet.

Investor Carl Icahn is asking Atlantic City casino workers to give up their health care. If that works, all he has to do is get them to give up their 401(k) plans, their vacation and sick pay and salaries and he will consider putting them back on the job.

Los Angeles is considering passing a $13.25 an hour minimum wage. It will help people who are working in the L.A. area afford the gas to drive back and forth from the nearest place they will afford to live while making $13.25 an hour, somewhere in rural Nevada.

A ride sharing service called Shuddle will provide transportation for kids. The only problem is trying to get three or four kids to hang on at the same time on the back of a Big Wheel.

A New York hospital’s staff has decided to take a sick day rather than treat an Ebola patient. Mostly because they are worried that if they have to work with people who have Ebola they will have to call in dead.

A report says that nearly one in three babies born in the U.S. are delivered by Cesarean section. The other two thirds are delivered the old fashioned way, in a high school restroom on prom night.

Researchers say a heart transplant breakthrough will allow doctors to use hearts that have stopped beating. Which now gives them something to do with all the old hearts that Dick Cheney has gone through.

Health officials in New York say that people don’t have to fear Ebola in the wake of a doctor becoming infected. Especially anyone who regularly rides the subway who now have immune systems that have already been exposed to any number of germs that make Ebola look like the common cold.

A study links the cold sore virus to Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly from any men who suddenly get complete amnesia when they find out they just gave their partner herpes.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has joined New York in announcing a plan to quarantine anyone who has been in contact with Ebola patients. Or anyone who may have caught it by stepping on medical waste by going into the water along the Jersey Shore.

Heidi Montag says she has “empathy” for Renee Zellweger after speculation that Zellweger has had some plastic surgery. People were impressed. They had no idea that Montag knew the meaning of the word “empathy.”

Heidi Montag says she has “empathy” for Renee Zellweger after speculation that Zellweger has had some plastic surgery, saying you have to have thick skin. Not for the critics, but because having thick skin helps in supporting DD size breast implants.

DJ Deadmau5 ripped Paris Hilton for her lack of spinning skills. But then having no recognizable skills has never stopped Hilton from doing anything else from acting to designing and marketing clothes.

Jep Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure. The family was just hoping to make sure that the medical staff taking care of him didn’t have any quacks.

Kobe Bryant says about Steve Nash missing next season with an injury, “You can control only what you can control.” Other than that, everything else has to be taken care of with buying a lot of jewelry.

UNC basketball coach Roy Williams says he was “dumbfounded” after hearing about the school’s fake classes for athletes. As opposed to the athletes who were put into the classes because they were found to be dumb.

UNC basketball coach Roy Williams says he was “dumbfounded” after hearing about the school’s fake classes for athletes. He was further shocked by also finding out there is no Santa Claus, tooth fairy or Easter Bunny.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. Mostly because they couldn’t get them to sign up based on the football team’s record of success.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. Mostly because getting them drunk and surrounded by women was the only way they would sign on to a five year hitch in the Army after graduation.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. But only because the budget didn’t give them enough money to include cars and large amounts of cash.

The Kansas City Royals claim that the San Francisco Giants watered down their infield to slow them down on the basepaths. As opposed to most other teams which only water down their beer, sodas and any condiments they sell at ballpark concession stands.

Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah says the shortage of skilled workers has reached a “crisis.” Which is still not as bad as the shortage of any skills that are ever exhibited inside the walls of the Senate Building.

Google executive Alan Eustace made a skydive jump from the stratosphere breaking the old world’s record. Eustace fell 25 miles in 15 minutes, reaching speeds faster than the sound barrier. No tech executive has fallen that fast since HP fired CEO Carly Fiorina.

Scientists say that the physical makeup of comets would make them smell like a combination of rotten eggs, horse urine and vinegar. Which still makes the idea of visiting one someday more appealing than sitting down to a meal of Haggis.

Scientists say that the physical makeup of comets would make them smell like a combination of rotten eggs, horse urine and vinegar. Which means any team of astronauts put together to visit one of the meteoroids could be desensitized by spending a few days first in a college fraternity bathroom during pledge week.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says that Artificial Intelligence is like “summoning the demon.” In fact , he has already contacted Apple to try to arrange an exorcism for Siri.

The oldest high altitude settlement in the world has been discovered in the Andes. Although there still needs to be more work done to see if it is quite as old as Larry King’s New York penthouse.

A newly discovered species of tarantula has been named after John Lennon. Although shouldn’t any credible entomologist know that when naming anything after the Fab Four members they should stick to species of beetles?

The U.S. has been ranked eighth in the world for average Internet speed, finishing behind among others South Korea, Japan and Hong Kong. No wonder all our jobs are going to Asian countries. It’s easy to attract workers and even have them put in more hours as long as they can download more porn sites in their free time.

Stephen Hawking sent out his first Facebook message which says “Be curious.” The sad part is that he joined in 2005 but it has taken him nine years just to finish signing up and type his message.

Stephen Hawking sent out his first Facebook message which says “Be curious.” Although most of his Facebook friends were disappointed when he sent a picture of the Milky Way, thinking it would be a picture of a candy bar he was going to eat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As the baseball season nears the end, I have been given renewed life in being able to root against the much hated Giants. If the Royals win the ‘Series, that will at least be something to get me through the winter months waiting for the return of Spring Training. In the meantime, you can also help by always remembering to send the love!

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