Friday, October 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ridesharing service Uber is testing on demand flu shots in three major cities. The only bad part is when it’s delivered by a cab driver who just tested positive for Ebola.

Ridesharing service Uber is testing on demand flu shots in three major cities. If it works out, customers could eventually get a ride to the airport while having minor surgical procedures performed in the back seat on the way.

Ray Rice is accusing the Baltimore Ravens of wrongful termination. Apparently he is claiming that all he was guilty of when he knocked out his fiancee was just having the habit of bringing his work home with him.

A survey says that Americans fail even basic questions about Obamacare. Especially the ones who watch Fox News and are still waiting for the program’s resulting death panels, collapse of the economy and end of capitalism as we know it.

The UK is starting a program that will pay overweight people to lose pounds. The easiest way would be to just give them all vouchers to eat at restaurants that only serve British, Irish or Scottish food.

An Alabama man received $1,000 in a settlement with police while his lawyers collected fees of $459,000. Mostly because he was unable to understand that there were any numbers that were actually higher than a thousand.

A UNC report says that athletes were attending fake classes at the school for 18 years. Which even with non-existent classes is about the amount of time it still took the student athletes to actually graduate.

The Canadian Parliament was back at work a day after a gun attack inside the building. Meanwhile, in the U.S. Congress is expected back to work any day after their August vacation, September fundraising and October campaigning for the November elections.

North Korea is closing its borders to tourists over the fear of Ebola. Which could affect as many as three people who actually want to go into North Korea.

North Korea is closing its borders to tourists over the fear of Ebola. Although most tourists when given the choice say they would rather catch Ebola than actually take a trip to North Korea.

Microsoft founder Paul Allen is donating $100 Million to fight Ebola. Apparently after being involved with Microsoft since the beginning, he wants to go into the books for finally being able to stop the spread of at least one virus.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg conducted a question and answer session with students in China while speaking Mandarin. Apparently he has been learning the language over the years just to impress friends by being able to order Chinese takeout over the phone.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg conducted a question and answer session with students in China while speaking Mandarin. Although some people thought he should get his money back from Rosetta Stone when he answered a question about the future of Facebook by saying “Walnut tree grapefruit lawnmowers are running snowstorm.”

Detroit has been registering voters in jail, at homeless shelters and mental health facilities. Which is only right since that’s where they also found most of their candidates.

Detroit has been registering voters in jail, at homeless shelters and mental health facilities. Mostly because those are the only people who aren’t trying to find a way out of Detroit before the election.

A study says that 40% of Americans have suffered online harassment. The other 60% have figured out a way to filter out all the spam from their e-mail inbox.

An Alabama man who threatened President Obama says the Secret Service just wants him locked up. Which someone should explain to him is what usually happens when you threaten the President.

An Alabama man who threatened President Obama says the Secret Service just wants him locked up. Apparently he hasn’t figured out the way to avoid the Secret Service is to hide where they can’t find you, usually on the front lawn of the White House.

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits. Remember when kids were just afraid of getting a wedgie or Wet Willie before photos on picture day?

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits. Although they may think twice about that when the student who was voted “Most likely to commit a mass murder” shows up in fatigues with an assault rifle and grenade launcher.

The founder of Sex.com is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to run for election to the Santa Clara County, California Water Board. Apparently he wants to make sure all strip clubs in the area have plenty of available water for every Tuesday wet T-shirt night.

GM doubled its profit in the third quarter. Mostly because they got to count all their sales twice after recalling them all in the second quarter.

U.S. Labor Secretary Tom Perez says “We suck on the minimum wage.” Apparently he was referring to the fact that for most people the minimum wage has become their maximum wage.

A group of primary care doctors is launching a $20 Million campaign aimed at promoting the importance of primary care. Which could have been done just as easily by giving $20 Million to uninsured people so they could actually go to a primary care doctor.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker who burned through his fortune says he wishes he would have gotten an MBA. If only he had known that UNC had a fake MBA program for athletes like him he could have invested his own money and gone broke twice as fast.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker who burned through his fortune says he wishes he would have gotten an MBA. That way he could have become a financial advisor and gotten his money back by ripping off all the other unsuspecting wealthy athletes.

JetBlue reported record third quarter profits. The only problem is that they were from flights scheduled in the first quarter that finally got off the tarmac.

American and United Airlines both beat quarterly profit estimates. Mostly no analysts who have ever flown either airline would ever predict they could pull a profit in the first place.

The maximum yearly amount people can put into their 401(k) plans will go up to $18,000 in 2015. Which is good news for the few people who can actually find a job that pays more than $18,000 a year.

Southwest Airlines reported a record profit in the third quarter. They credit their success to running an efficient operation, offering no frills and cramming five flights worth of passengers on every jet.

A study says that Americans average working one free week a year by giving up vacation time. Mostly working parents who would rather work for free than face traveling somewhere with the family for an entire week.

A study says that stretching doesn’t help runners prevent injuries. As most Americans found out, the only way to really prevent injuries from running is by not running.

A study says that drinking alcohol after age 60 can boost a person’s memory. The only problem is that after they drink enough it makes them think they were as tough as they remember they were back in their 20s.

Health care workers in Texas are using Tabasco sauce to help them train in treating Ebola patients. Apparently if they make some of the patients pour a bottle of Tabasco sauce over some Taco Bell burritos, the symptoms are pretty similar to if they had caught Ebola.

A study says that a process can tell if the person that hair has been found from is dead. For one thing, Donald Trump is known to be alive since no one would ever be caught dead with his haircut.

A study says that people who are self aware have an 83% greater chance of having a healthy heart. Mostly because they are aware that having to go to the cardiologist will give them an 83% higher chance of going broke paying their medical bills.

Experts say that the airborne spread of Ebola is highly unlikely. Which explains why Texas Governor Rick Perry wants travel bans in his state from western Africa because he thinks airborne spread of the the disease means catching it in an airplane restroom.

A study says that teens whose parents exert psychological control over them have trouble forming relationships as adolescents and adults. The only question is, what parent has ever been able to exert psychological control over a teenager?

Character actor Frank Sivero is suing “The Simpsons” for $250 Million for stealing his mobster persona for a character on the show. In a related story, Sivero is being sued by every mobster in New Jersey for using their persona for his stereotypical hit man.

Character actor Frank Sivero is suing “The Simpsons” for $250 Million for stealing his mobster persona for a character on the show. In an unrelated story, Donald Trump is suing “The Simpsons” for their obvious use of his image and personality in coming up with the character of Mr. Burns.

A New York City block has been named George Carlin Way. In honor of the late comedian, people are encouraged on that one block to get high, drive the wrong way and yell obscenities while flipping off all the other drivers and pedestrians.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” has a trial date set for December for his tax fraud case. Apparently the tax fraud case stems from Sorrentino putting down on a federal tax form that his occupation was “actor.”

James Corden is scheduled to take over CBS’ “Late Late Show” in March of 2015. That gives CBS five months to try to find a reason for viewers to actually tune in to watch James Corden on the “Late Late Show.”

James Corden is scheduled to take over CBS’ “Late Late Show” in March of 2015. Although by the time he takes over from Craig Ferguson it will more than likely be remembered as the late “Late Show.”

A Pennsylvania high school has canceled its football season after reports that students were performing waterboarding on their teammates. And people thought stealing coaching signals was getting out of hand.

A Pennsylvania high school has canceled its football season after reports that students were performing waterboarding on their teammates. Who had any idea that Dick Cheney would end up as a high school football coach after leaving the White House?

The NFL drug policy allows enough THC in the system so that players can smoke one joint of marijuana a week. Which explains why there are so many concussions in the league, because they can’t tell if a player has had his bell rung or has just inhaled his weekly allotment.

DNA shows that Neanderthals had sex with humans as far back as 50,000 years. And as recently as whatever year Sylvester Stallone was born.

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. Apparently they want to simulate accidents that happen on the morning commute before people eat enough meals to get up to their real daily weight.

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. Remember when 273 pounds of a weight used to mean that people were carpooling?

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. The good news is that if the person in front of you weighs nearly 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter if the airbags aren’t working right.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad to be back at home and on a regular schedule. If getting up early in the morning to work out and write jokes then going to work in the afternoon and evening is a regular schedule. At least I am back just in time for the weekend so I can relax and think about what made me even want to travel again. All I know is that I get a couple of days to unwind, and that should give you all plenty of time to make sure to remember to send the love!

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