Thursday, October 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A company says it will soon offer driverless buses in the UK. In the meantime, anyone who wants to feel the sensation of being on a bus that has no one behind the wheel can always book a trip on Greyhound.

Denmark’s central bank says it will stop printing money because so many people are instead paying for things with smartphones and credit cards. On the other hand, the U.S. Treasury is printing limited denominations at full speed now that the stock market is up so high and Wall Street executives are back to lighting their cigars with $50 and  $100 bills.

Denmark’s central bank says it will stop printing money because so many people are instead paying for things with smartphones and credit cards. The U.S. Treasury is still printing bills at full speed because it could take years to run off enough money to cover the $17 Trillion and growing debt Congress has piled up.

Donald Trump is telling Mitt Romney not to fun for President again. To which Romney says it’s a deal if Trump takes all the signs with his name off every building he owns.

Donald Trump is telling Mitt Romney not to fun for President again. If Trump thinks that will help his own run for the presidency, that is like the heads of the high school AV and chess club thinking if they can keep the football team’s captain away from the prom, they might have a shot at going with one of the cheerleaders.

Customers are complaining that Apple Pay is charging them twice on some items. Apparently someone at Apple thought the Apple Tax should apply to everything.

The tech industry is shifting to areas of Los Angeles which is being called “Silicon Beach.” Although anyone who has ever been to a California beach and seen the overly stuffed bikini tops knows that Venice and Malibu beat them to that title years ago.

The oldest DNA ever found have shed light on humans’ global trek. Or they could have just looked at Larry King’s career resume.

Bogus World Series tickets were confiscated in Kansas City. Authorities knew they were counterfeit when they saw the tickets were for the Cubs vs. the Astros.

Bogus World Series tickets and merchandise including Royals panties were confiscated in Kansas City. The only question is what exactly constitutes an official pair of Royals panties?

Bogus World Series tickets and merchandise including Royals panties were confiscated in Kansas City. There hasn’t been an official line of MLB panties since Manny Ramirez was busted for injecting female hormones.

A UK man who had faked being in a coma was caught walking around on a supermarket security camera. It was also proven he wasn’t in a coma as he was the only one in the store who had his coupons ready and check filled out while still in line.

Power company officials in Puerto Rico face charges over taking bribes. Locals were shocked. When did Puerto Rico get electric power?

A city in Oregon has been forced to use a van as a traveling library as a blueprint mixup has shut down their $1.2 Million library building. The only problem was finding a van big enough with Wi-Fi access and computers to accommodate 15 homeless people trying to look at online porn at the same time.

Former Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee has died at age 93. The worst part is that the Post was scooped on his obituary by USA Today.

A study says that online bullying, sexual harassment and physical threats are common. And that’s just when you are a researcher trying to ask people questions about their online experiences.

A study says that online bullying, sexual harassment and physical threats are common. Which is the great thing about Facebook in that it can keep the high school experience going for students years after graduation.

An Apple 1 computer built by Steve Wozniak in 1976 has sold for $905,000. It kept its value because people will pay almost anything for a computer that doesn’t run on Windows.

A company in Los Angeles has started using a van to provide mobile head shots. The only faster way to get a head shot from a passing van in L.A. is to wear the wrong colors in another gang’s territory.

UNC has admitted that fake classes for athletes are widespread. The good news is that academic students who want to take fake classes can always enroll at UNLV.

The FTC is offering advice to consumers to tell if they are being overcharged on their phone bill. First, look to see if the bill comes from AT&T. If it does, you are.

A California company has been fined $25 Million in a “get paid to work at home” scheme. There is a word for people who have been scammed by similar fake promises for generations. They are called “housewives.”

Camel maker Reynolds has adopted a no-smoking policy at work. Just like legalized marijuana shops in Colorado find their employees taking up a no-working policy at smoke.

Camel maker Reynolds has adopted a no-smoking policy at work. Apparently the company was finding it too expensive to meet the group insurance company’s demands of putting a defibrillator at ever cubicle.

A survey says Americans distrust the medical profession more than people from other countries. Especially the ones who sneak across the border just so they can actually get in to see a doctor here.

A study has ranked the U.S. last in the world for affordability and access to health care. Which we wouldn’t need so much if it weren’t that we were first in the world for affordability and access to fast food.

The government is warning that the dangerous chemical BPA is said to lurk in cash registers. Which is good news for most Americans who no longer have enough cash lying around to actually buy something to get change back from a cash register.

A study says that people feel less guilty about making a bad diet choice if someone else initiates it. Which means that Ronald McDonald, the Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie are not so much as commercial icons as they are enablers.

A study says the American diet still contains too many bad fats. Although many people have given up fats to make more room in their diet for sugar, salt and preservatives.

A study says that some weight loss surgery can result in an increased risk of headaches. Which is ironic for men whose wives used to fake getting headaches all the time because they didn’t want to have sex with their husbands because they were too fat.

A study says that overweight women make smaller paychecks. Especially in modeling where six figure paychecks are non-existent for anyone who has a higher than double digit weight.

An Ebola virus plush toy for kids is selling off the shelves. Ironically, the Ebola virus is actually less deadly than the materials used in making the toys.

An Ebola virus plush toy for kids is selling off the shelves. Which comes at a bad time for the makers of the Malaria and Bubonic Plague toys who are seeing their sales drop off just before the highly anticipated disease toy Christmas rush.

A passenger who arrived at Newark Liberty Airport is being monitored for Ebola. Apparently the passenger is exhibiting signs of the disease but could also just be suffering from the effects of being in Newark.

A study says that many colleges are failing to address concussions. And that’s just concerning fraternity pledges who fall off their bar stools during rush week.

Peyton Manning was mic’d up for his record breaking touchdown pass against the
San Francisco 49‘ers. Apparently it was to make sure he could say “Omaha” and “Papa John’s” enough times on live TV to satisfy all his endorsement contracts.

A family in England found the world’s deadliest spider inside a bunch of bananas they bought at the store. Fortunately the risk won’t spread overseas as no American family has actually bought any fruit at the store since 1987.

A Florida judge says that tickets sent out from red light cameras are illegal. Mostly because Florida makes all the money it needs to run the state from tickets for people who permanently leave their left blinker on.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There are a few jokes less than usual today like yesterday because of my travel back from Salt Lake City for a conference. I had a good time and it was great to have lunch with my boyhood buddy from California Dave Hawley who lives in SLC now, and to hang out with New Mexico weather legend Joe Diaz who is one cool hombre. Thanks also to Kathleen, another Californian who sat next to me on the flight to Atlanta and kept my airplane anxiety from prompting an emergency landing, and to Catherine Bostic who looked after my daughter Summer and crazy beast Tommy while I was gone and to Carol Melton who picked me up at the airport and helped me root against the much hated Giants. Good to be back, now all the rest of you need to do to get my unending gratitude is as always make sure to remember to send the love!

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