Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



Pope Francis I says that God is not afraid of new things. Although he had no explanation as to why God doesn’t even have a Facebook page or Twitter account yet.

Pope Francis I says that God is not afraid of new things. Although if that was true, you would think he would have had at least one Pope who was younger than 90 by now.

Police in New Hampshire used pepper spray on rioters at a pumpkin festival. The riots started when protesters were demanding police replace their pepper spray with something more like a nice pumpkin spice.

Police in New Hampshire used pepper spray on rioters at a pumpkin festival. You know your state’s population is really old and white when the cause of a riot is a pumpkin festival.

People are being warned about fake IRS agents that are trying to scam people out of $500 to $1,000. Officials say if they were real IRS agents, they would be confiscating everything the people own.

Undocumented aliens were caught being sneaked across the U.S. border in washing machines. Border security says once they were captured, they all pretty much came clean.

A study says that drinking soda can lead to premature aging, disease and early death. Especially if the sodas are being used to wash down three Big Macs, two large fries and a couple of apple pies.

Ford is developing a car seat that will be able to detect heart attacks. Which after suffering one is the way Ford owners know they are now old enough to drive a Buick.

Ford is developing a car seat that will be able to detect heart attacks. Which GM already knows will happen when their customers get their fifth recall notice in a month.

A Michigan woman was arrested after being so drunk she mistook a jail for a bar. Which is otherwise known as cutting out the middleman.

A Michigan woman was arrested after being so drunk she mistook a jail for a bar. She was just lucky the guards didn’t oblige her when she kept saying she stopped in for a couple of shots.

A study says that vegetarians have lower sperm counts than meat eaters. Which doesn’t matter since no one is going to even get to first base after going out on a date and ordering the vegan platter for two.

A poll says that 64% of Americans feel the country is out of control. The other 36% Feel that it was out of control before 2008 but since then we just completely crashed and burned.

A study says a person’s season of birth can affect their mood later in life. Especially people whose birthday is around Christmas who always get one present for both occasions.

A convicted murderer in Connecticut is suing the state for his “constitutional right” to pornography. Although no one is more in favor of keeping him interested in just looking at naked people online than his cellmate.

A convicted murderer in Connecticut is suing the state for his “constitutional right” to pornography. Apparently he thinks the Miranda rights are about looking at a website with naked women who are all named Miranda.

Colorado is trying to ban most edible marijuana, saying it could be mistakenly eaten by children. The best way to keep that from happening is to label any products containing pot is to label it as a vegetarian product.

A report says thousands of federal workers are on paid leave while waiting to be punished or return to work after being accused of wrongdoing, with their pay amounting to $775 Million. Although that is still being considered a more efficient use of taxpayers’ dollars than the money going to pay the salary of Congress.

A study says that a bad boss can make workers sick both physically and mentally. Which is still better than the physical and mental illness experienced by people who have no boss because they haven’t been able to find a job since 2008.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was kicked out of several locations for breaking election rules. Apparently Canada has new laws saying you must stay at least 100 feet away from an election site while you are using a crack pipe.

A report says that corporate America is sitting on a record $1.65 Trillion in cash. The money just keeps piling up ever since 2008 when business realized they can pay one employee to do the work of three.

The NHTSA says 4.7 Million airbags in American cars could be faulty. To which officials say until the problem can be fixed, people are advised when traveling by car to make all the fat people sit up front.

The NHTSA says 4.7 Million airbags in American cars could be faulty. Which is still a little unnerving for GM car owners, even though the only place they ever drive their cars anymore is back and forth from the dealership for the latest recalls.

The WTO has rejected U.S. labels identifying the country of origin on meat labels. Which is still better than China where they aren’t even sure which animal the meat is coming from.

A study says the best way to get people to stop buying sugary sodas and snacks is to say how much exercise it will take to burn off the calories. The worst part is when McDonald’s gives everyone buying a Value Meal a sign up sheet for the next Marathon.

U.S. airlines are raising fares on domestic flights. Apparently they feel it’s the best way to keep from having to raise the fees they are charging for luggage, blankets, snacks, drinks, changing tickets…

A study says the only exercise that lowers elderly adults’ risk of falling is swimming. However, anyone who happens to be near the pool still has to deal with the fear of seeing one of the seniors fall out of their bathing suit.

A Minnesota man ran a Marathon backwards before running it again forwards. Which just made everyone look at him sideways.

A study says that a half million more men than usual got vasectomies during the recession. So for many men during the economic downturn, their salaries weren’t the only thing that got cut.

The WHO has declared Nigeria Ebola free. Although what that really means is that if you go to Nigeria, it won’t cost you a dime to get the virus.

The WHO has declared Nigeria Ebola free. Mostly because anyone in Nigeria who had the disease has since moved to Dallas.

A study says that Viagra can be used to treat heart disease. Which can be caused when wives finds the secret place their husbands have been hiding their stash of Viagra.

A study says that watching movies with sex and violence themselves may lower parents’ standards for what they let their kids watch. Although the way to tell there are no standards is when people let their children watch an Adam Sandler movie.

A study says that every eight minutes a child in the U.S. gets the wrong medicine. As opposed to the other 23 hours and 52 minutes of the day when the rest of the children in the country can’t get any medicine because of the prescription policy of their parents’ health care plan.

David Letterman’s cue card writer was fired after assaulting a staff writer. Apparently the problems started when the writer kept putting the word “Machiavellianism” in all his jokes.

David Letterman’s cue card writer was fired after assaulting a staff writer. Apparently the job just got to be too tough ever since Letterman got so old he could only see one word on each cue card.

The NCAA and NFL are seeking to stop sports betting from being allowed in New Jersey. Especially when the most popular bets involve which college and pro football players will be arrested on any given week.

Tiger Woods is reportedly hitting golf balls and is hoping to be back on tour in December. He is trying everything he can to get back to be the world’s number one golfer, starting with trying to set up Rory McIlroy on a blind date with Elin Nordegren.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which you would think would make it so that people were able to be a little better at doing it by now.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which means before that, everyone must have been adopted.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which is also when men first started to look for work so they could have enough money to be able to pay for it.

A study says that nearly half of all holiday shoppers say they won’t shop at retailers that had their credit base hacked. The other half don’t care because they can only shop with cash since losing all their credit cards during the recession.

Monica Lewinsky has reportedly joined Twitter. To start out, she is using the hashtag “GuesswhatIdidtobecomefamous?”

An iPad app helps screen people for glaucoma. The first sign that someone may have glaucoma is they can’t see the iPad they are holding right in front of their face.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! These jokes are still coming to you from Salt Lake City, which is where I ran out of gas last week. I just need to panhandle another $35 and I will have enough to fill up the tank and get out of here. Actually, I am here for a weather conference for my career which has also run out of gas. Ironically, most of my jokes are guaranteed to give many of you gas. For the quickest relief, take two Alka Seltzers and remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sending love LOL