Thursday, October 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Secret Service Director Julie Pierson has resigned after revelations of several White House security breaches. The word is she has already been offered a position more in line with her skills. She has been reassigned to manage all the greeters at Wal-Mart.

Secret Service Director Julie Pierson has resigned after revelations of several White House security breaches. She says she was unable to sleep the night before she made her decision. Just like the Obama family has become unable to sleep every time they hear a noise downstairs.

A report says there was a two day delay in admitting a man with Ebola into a Texas hospital. It wasn’t that they didn’t know he had the disease, they just had to make sure that his medical health care coverage was still current.

An investigation says the government is not prepared to handle a pandemic. Apparently the findings were based on the fact we weren’t prepared for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the BP Gulf Oil Spill...

The New York Times says it will be cutting up to 100 newsroom jobs. Adding insult to injury is that most of the workers affected found out when the story was broken by the New York Daily News.

China says it will open its first high security biosafety lab to handle pathogens like the Ebola virus. They expect to get plenty of practice by locating the lab right next to one of their meat packing plants.

The new supercharged Corvette will reportedly go zero to 60 in under three seconds. Which is good news as long as the next gas station isn’t more than five seconds down the road.

The new supercharged Corvette will reportedly go zero to 60 in under three seconds. Which means Corvette owners will spend less than a half minute taking their GM made vehicle back into the shop for each new recall.

Intruders at a chicken shed in California reportedly killed nearly a thousand chickens with a golf club. The U.S. Ryder Cup team has been cleared as suspects as the last time they had golf clubs in their hands they could only bag a handful of birds.

The suspect in the White House security breach has pleaded not guilty. Apparently his lawyer claims he was just trying to take his own self-guided, accelerated tour.

Dunkin’ Donuts executive chef says fermented foods will be the next big food trend. Food industry experts were surprised. Why does Dunkin’ Donuts need an executive chef?

Dunkin’ Donuts executive chef says fermented foods will be the next big food trend. If the food is fermented enough, the restaurant will have to change its name to Drunken Donuts.

The FAA has ordered airlines to replace cockpit displays on planes where they can be affected by Wi-Fi signals. Apparently that is an easier solution than asking pilots to stop using their iPads to check dating sites while still in the air.

A study says the wealthy think they are frugal but actually live large. Except in the case of Donald Trump who is still frugal enough to never pay more than $3.50 for a haircut.

Coca-Cola has scaled back their executive pay after pressure from stockholders. Apparently a spike in sales a few years ago has dropped once people got tired of seeing bottles of Coke explode after dropping in a pack of Mentos.

The Gallup Job Creation Index has reached a six year high. Although it turns out the only real jobs that were created were by Gallup to start the Job Creation Index.

A survey says that 43% of small businesses are working to keep their top staffers. The other 57% are finding it easier to keep employees once they stopped classifying them as “interns” and actually started paying them.

Pepsi says it will roll out a new drink called “True” that contains only natural sweeteners.  Which is good news for people with an organic lifestyle who want to make sure their teeth rot in a natural way.

GM is promising higher profits and dividends in the 9-10% range by next decade. However, those are new estimates and the company says they may have to eventually be recalled.

The EPA is forcing Mercedes Benz to revise their MPG ratings on some cars. Apparently the car maker was lowering the mileage estimates so that their customers weren’t turned off by the thought of buying something economical.

A study says that the top 10% of American drinkers consume ten drinks a day. What’s worse is that it could be even more on the day they get their 401(k) statements.

Airline stocks took a beating from the latest news of the spread of the Ebola virus. Which means anyone taking a flight can expect to be hit up with the new $25 communicable disease fee.

Lamborghini is set to unveil a 910 horsepower plug-in hybrid car. Of course, the thrill of owning a plug-in hybrid is the last reason anyone on the planet would ever buy a Lamborghini.

Lamborghini is set to unveil a 910 horsepower plug-in hybrid car. Lamborghini making a plug-in hybrid sounds about as popular an idea as Smith & Wesson starting to make a big push to sell a line of BB guns.

A study says the cause of sleep apnea could be having a “fat” tongue. If you are that obese that even your tongue is overweight, perhaps your breathing might be obstructed by the partially digested midnight snack box of doughnuts that lodged in your throat.

A toothpaste is being tested that reportedly could treat allergies. Although an allergy fighting toothpaste won’t be of much use in places like Alabama where most people seem to have an allergy to dental floss.

Researchers say that traits like jealousy, anxiety and guilt double the chances of a woman developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Which works out well when the illness progresses to where they forget why they were jealous, anxious and guilty in the first place.

A study says that loss of smell in the elderly may be a prediction of impending death. Especially when they can’t smell the smoke fumes from their polyester bathrobe that just caught fire.

A study says that loss of smell in the elderly may be a prediction of impending death. The good news is that losing their sense of smell means they don’t have to be bothered living in a house that has that musty old person smell.

John Mellencamp says his new record is not filled with pop hooks, but instead is more thoughtful. In other words, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to buy it.

John Mellencamp says his new record is not filled with pop hooks, but instead is more thoughtful. In other words, he has joined a Pink Floyd tribute band.

John Mellencamp says his new record is not filled with pop hooks, but instead is more thoughtful. Which is like going to go see Arnold Schwarzenegger perform Shakespeare.

Ben Affleck says he appears with full frontal nudity in “Gone Girl.” The bad part is that the scene has already created a buzz about the film being nominated for an Oscar in the Short Subject category.

Joy Behar will be performing her solo show Off Broadway. The reason she decided to do a one woman show is because after co-hosting “The View” for 16 years she wanted to be able to get at least one sentence out of her mouth without being interrupted.

Brad Pitt says that fatherhood made him the “richest man alive.” And it probably doesn’t hurt that he is incredibly handsome, is a major film star and is married to one of the hottest women on the planet.

Amanda Bynes was reportedly kicked out of the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising for cheating before her arrest for DUI. Apparently the only test she can get a high score on without any help is the breathalyzer.

Glen Campbell is being sued over a documentary about his battle with Alzheimer’s Disease saying he reneged on a contract. Campbell’s defense is that anyone who signs a contract with an Alzheimer’s patient has to figure at some point that person might just happen to forget.

Amazon Prime has added a racism disclaimer to its offering of “Tom & Jerry” cartoons. Because the last thing that a company that is staffed by 95% white men wants to do is show that they are not sensitive to the racial equality concerns of their viewers.

The Raiders have fired coach Dennis Allen after an 0-4 start. At this pace, that means they are going to go through another three coaches before the end of the season.

Jon Gruden dismissed rumors he is coming back to coach the Raiders, saying he is “not thinking about coaching.” Which means he is in the perfect frame of mind to take on the job of head coach for the Raiders.

A high school football player in Iowa scored a record 11 touchdowns in a single game. Or as the Raiders call that, a pretty good season.

Caddie Steve Williams says he is going to retire, although he says he would be interested in working with Tiger Woods again. Apparently he feels being old and retired means he could take his metal detector along to help pass the time while looking for all of Tiger’s tee shots in the rough.

Major League Baseball says it will test a pitch time clock to speed up games during the winter season. That would do away with the current game time system that is enforced with a calendar.

Michael Phelps reportedly had a blood alcohol level of .14 when he was arrested for DUI in Maryland. His defense is that Maryland isn’t all that bad of a place once you get up to a blood alcohol level of around .18.

Michael Phelps reportedly had a blood alcohol level of .14 when he was arrested for DUI after being observed crossing into the next lane. Apparently he is only used to staying in a lane that is clearly marked with roped buoys.

Michael Phelps reportedly had a blood alcohol level of .14 when he was arrested for DUI in Maryland. He was so drunk he was pulled over wearing Speedos because he thought it would make him eligible to use the car pool lane.

Jimmy Kimmel was named “most dangerous celebrity” to search on the Internet because of the threat of malware and viruses. Although Adam Sandler is still the most dangerous for the threat of coming across any scenes from Adam Sandler movies.

Jimmy Kimmel was named “most dangerous celebrity” to search on the Internet because of the threat of malware and viruses. The only way he could become any more dangerous is if he let Lindsay Lohan drive him to work.

A report says that the success of robotics manufacturing hinges on hiring skilled workers to make them. The bad part is that all the skilled workers will just be on the job long enough to make the robots that will replace them.

Researchers say they hope to use nanotechnology in the future to diagnose cases of Ebola more quickly and cheaply. Until then they can just use the traditional way of confirming the illness, by waiting until the patients start hemorrhaging blood through their eyeballs.

Verizon is backing off its plan to slow down the data speeds of its heaviest users. Apparently there is an easier way to do that, just transfer their wireless carrier plan over to AT&T.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Got my work done a little earlier today since I have a doctor’s appointment this morning. I hate the part where they tell you to drop your pants and put on the latex gloves. And that’s just in the billing office. I’m sure the check up will go well. My only concern is feeling a little run down after visiting that group of tourists just in from Liberia. I am pretty confident a little projectile blood shooting out of my eyes is nothing more than strain from staring at a computer screen all day, right? Hope you enjoy the jokes. If you finish your work a bit early today, before you log off the computer make sure you remember to send the love!

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