Sunday, October 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



A report says that the poverty rate in California is 23.4%. The other 76.6% have still decided to wait awhile before trying to take out a home mortgage loan.

A report says that the poverty rate in California is 23.4%. The rest currently don’t have kids they are trying to put through college.

A report says the poverty rate in Washington, D.C. is 22.4%. Which means everyone else in town is either a member of Congress or a lobbyist.

Texas has broken a record for the number of jobs added over a 12 month period. Mostly because they are always having to hire new people for the employees who keep quitting at the hospital where they get all the Ebola patients.

Billy Graham says the U.S. has become as wicked as Sodom and Gomorrah. Apparently he somehow got hold of the remote control and came across a couple of episodes of “The Kardashians.”

Billy Graham says the U.S. has become as wicked as Sodom and Gomorrah. The bad news is that means after all these years he is admitting he isn’t really very good at what he does.

Israel is planning on building above ground cemeteries when their current graveyards are full. The word is that people are just dying to get into the penthouse suites.

Israel is planning on building above ground cemeteries when their current graveyards are full. The worst part is when someone falls behind on their maintenance fees and the manager has to evict them.

U2's Bono says he has worn sunglasses constantly for the past two decades because of glaucoma. Which is ironic in that all the other rock stars have been saying they have been suffering glaucoma for years just so they could get prescriptions for medicinal marijuana.

President Obama tried to use his credit card to buy lunch in a New York City restaurant and it was denied. Apparently the mix up happened when the Treasury decided to stick the President’s personal card with the nation’s entire $17 Trillion debt.

A Russian Nazi group held a “Miss Hitler” contest. That’s the one that has no title for Miss Congeniality.

A Russian Nazi group held a “Miss Hitler” contest. It got a little awkward when the contestants were expected to parade around in goose-step during the bikini competition.

Moody’s has downgraded Russia’s debt rating to Baa2 from Baa1. Apparently that means their economy is now the black sheep of all Europe.

An Artificial Intelligence expert says that computers will have super-human intelligence in the near future. Which thanks to the effects of reality TV will refer to any computer that can perform spell-check and basic math.

A funeral home in Michigan has opened a drive thru window for people to pay their last respects. The worst part is when the deceased has been cremated and they are listed under the fried menu.

A report says that cash is no longer king around the world. Mostly because since 2007 most people have trouble remembering the last time they actually had any cash.

An entrepreneur is planning on opening a cashless supermarket in the UK. It will be so cashless, to prevent confusion they won’t even offer any lettuce, cabbage or dough.

A study says that elephants can tell when it is raining up to 150 miles away. Mostly because they live in rain forests where it is always raining somewhere within 150 miles.

Iran says the number of foreign tourists has gone up 35% in the past year. Mostly because they started counting as “tourists” everyone who comes into their country wearing a military uniform.

Iran says the number of foreign tourists has gone up 35% in the past year. Which means their tourist total for the year is now up to seven.

President Obama says the country can’t give in to the fear of Ebola. He says we should be much more concerned about the possibility of the Republicans taking back the Senate.

A contractor is hiring Ebola screeners to work at JFK Airport for $19 an hour. Which makes for a nice salary as long as they don’t spend it all at once by buying their lunch at JFK Airport.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker says he lost $110 Million that he made for playing basketball. Many basketball players have lost their fortunes, unlike Kobe Bryant who made even more money by investing heavily in jewelry for his wife over the years.

A baby boom is taking place in North Dakota where the growing economy has resulted in more than ten thousand births in the past year. Which finally answers the question of what is there to do in North Dakota?

A baby boom is taking place in North Dakota where the growing economy has resulted in more than ten thousand births in the past year. Which shows just how good the economy is with at least ten thousand women being talked into starting a family in North Dakota.

Resident Obama says the U.S. can prevent an Ebola outbreak. Although he says it might not be all that bad if it becomes the only way left to keep the Republicans away from the polls in November.

A report says that China wastes 35 Million metric tons of grain each year, enough to feed 200 Million people. Mostly because there aren’t any really good grain recipes that go along very well with donkey, fox and dog meat.

A report says that people are changing their travel plans because of the Ebola scare. The bad part is they are booking vacations in Senegal, Liberia and Guinea because they figure it’s a lot safer there than in Dallas.

President Obama’s new Ebola Czar Ron Klain has no medical experience but is instead trained in handling political crises. Mostly because Obama is trying to stop the Republicans from turning Ebola into a political crisis just in time for the November elections.

The WHO has declared Senegal Ebola free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it is Ebola free because everyone there is either dead from Ebola or has left to get out of the country.

An Ebola scare has sent a Carnival cruise ship back to Texas. How bad is Ebola that people are actually more afraid of catching the virus than all the other things that can happen to them on a Carnival cruise?

Jude Law is expecting his fifth child from the third different mother. Apparently he has decided if the acting thing doesn’t work out he can always try out for the NBA.

Jude Law is expecting his fifth child from the third different mother. Apparently he is trying to get into character for his upcoming starring role in “The Kevin Federline Story.”

Bruce Jenner is reportedly dating a former friend of Kris Jenner. The official word so far is that they aren’t really dating, they just like to trade off because they wear the same size Spandex.

Lady Gaga has bought a $24 Million estate in Malibu. Among its other amenities it reportedly has a large walk in freezer that she can use as a closet for all her meat dresses.

Kelly Osbourne says she is planning to fund her parents’ retirement. The only problem is that it won’t be cheap when Ozzy retires to hire a full time interpreter to follow him around to translate what he is asking for.

Kelly Osbourne says she is planning to fund her parents’ retirement. It could get expensive. Just paying for Ozzy’s prescription plan could run into seven figures a year.

An 81 year old golfer scored holes-in-one on three consecutive days in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The only bad part was that he had to buy the entire house a round of Boost Plus.

An 81 year old golfer scored holes-in-one on three consecutive days in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. To which the other golfers in Myrtle Beach credited the feat to, the luck of the young.

Credit experts say that President Obama’s credit card refusal at a restaurant happens to 40% of the population. The other 60% had their credit accounts canceled right after their home was foreclosed and their cars repossessed back in 2007.

President Obama has ordered chip and PIN technology to be embedded in government credit cards which would stop fraud by identifying the users’ fingerprints. Which is pretty useless since everyone knows that it’s Congress who already has their fingerprints all over the $17 Trillion national debt.

A giant Sphinx was unearthed on a California beach 91 years after it was used in the filming of Cecil B. Demille’s “The Ten Commandments.” When researchers said they made the discovery, local officials first thought it might be some sort of pyramid scheme.

Analysts say the economic benefits to Nevada from the proposed Tesla factory is overstated. Mostly because there is no way that one factory can bring in more money each year even than the slot machines that are in the checkout aisle of a single convenience store in Las Vegas.

MasterCard has unveiled the first credit card that comes with a fingerprint sensor. Although most people would be much better off financially if their wallet came with a credit card censor.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! These jokes are coming to you from Salt Lake City, Utah where I am in town for a conference. Unfortunately it is not a joke writing conference. Of course, the funniest joke in Utah history is “Take my wives. Please.” Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one. Too easy. But not as easy as it is for all of you to make sure you always remember to send the love!

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