Friday, October 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Senator Ted Cruz says Congress should be called back into session to vote on an Ebola travel ban. That won’t happen as the only travel they care about is their campaign and fundraising trips before the November elections.

Officials in Dallas are holding off asking for a state of emergency to be declared over Ebola. They figure if they were able to survive through the governorships of both George W. Bush and Rick Perry, it will take more than a virus to cause them to panic.

An Idaho man was arrested for battering a woman with a burrito. His defense is that if he really wanted to cause her pain and suffering with a burrito, he would have taken her to Taco Bell and had her eat one.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. Which means if they were in Denver they would have joined the Mile High Club before they even got on the plane.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. Of course, the number is much higher if you include what happens to travelers who go through a TSA security screening line.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. And that doesn’t even include the people who accidentally started tapping their feet in an airport bathroom stall and didn’t realize they were right next to former Senator Larry Craig.

California had a statewide earthquake drill on Thursday. The only problem is trying to find 15 minutes to do an earthquake drill that doesn’t keep getting interrupted by actual earthquakes.

California had a statewide earthquake drill on Thursday. Which is otherwise known across the state as Thursday.

A study says there has been an increase in the use of all-purpose antidepressants. Mostly because people don’t want to have different prescriptions for the depression caused by thinking about the economy, Ebola, unemployment, the environment...

A court ruled that parents may be liable for what their children post on Facebook. To which those parents are asking why can’t their kids be like everyone else and just use Facebook to post pictures of what they are eating?

An app for ordering marijuana delivery has started in California. So far the only problem is finding workers who can find the right address, don’t smoke half of the pot on the way there and can process the order in less than six months.

A study says the male brain is wired to ignore food for sex. Which is ironic in that the most common way to try to get sex is for a man to ask someone out for dinner.

A study says the male brain is wired to ignore food for sex. And that the male brain is pretty much wired to ignore everything else for sex other than football, beer and more football.

TSA Chief John Pistole says he will retire at the end of the year. He will be given a gold watch and a lifetime supply of latex gloves and lubricant in case he ever gets nostalgic for the good old days.

An Ebola specialist says that the Dallas hospital that cared for the first Ebola patient in the U.S. did some things right and some things wrong. Among the wrong things were besides some basic administrative errors was allowing the disease to spread to some hospital workers which could cause a domestic outbreak with the potential to kill everyone in the country.

The government says it will close a loophole that lets employers offer substandard insurance. Otherwise known to most people as their employer based health coverage.

Secretary of State John Kerry had to fly commercial from Vienna after his Air Force plane broke down. The sad part is that passengers were volunteering to be moved next to the screaming baby rather than have to spend an entire flight talking to John Kerry.

A California college was quarantined after a student who was on a plane with an Ebola victim vomited on campus. Although it turns out it was just a reaction the student had after getting the latest statement of how much they owe on their student loans.

McDonald’s is skipping a national rollout for their McRibs sandwich. Which means this year the only rollout for McRibs will be when they actually have to roll out the customers from the restaurants after they have eaten four or five McRibs for lunch.

Barbie sales dropped 21% in the third quarter. Apparently young girls are being wise and instead of spending their money to buy Barbie dolls, they are saving it for the plastic surgery they will have one day to look like Barbie.

A report says that complaints about private student loans have gone up 40% in the past year. But that’s only because the amount of student loans to cover tuition has also gone up 40% in the past year.

The Director of the CDC says that Ebola is not a significant threat to the U.S. He says that obesity, smoking and alcoholism is going to kill most Americans way before the virus ever starts spreading across the country.

Whole Foods says it is trying to change the way that people buy fruits and vegetables. The biggest change will happen when they actually get people to start buying fruits and vegetables.

An AT&T glitch resulted in an iPhone billing error. Apparently some customers were actually charged by AT&T for receiving  some kind of cellphone service.

The government says that roaches and mice are the top nuisances in U.S. homes. Although most people would argue that, saying they would much rather deal with those pests than spam, telemarketers and junk mail.

CBS is offering a streaming service. Which means that people who want to watch “CSI” around the clock can do it for a monthly fee. Or they could just turn on CBS.

Chrysler is recalling 907,000 cars and SUVs. Which means they have almost made good on their goal to one day be just like GM.

Delta Airlines says the Ebola scare has not hurt bookings for plane flights. Mostly because to most people Ebola would be a cakewalk compared to going through TSA security screenings, being extorted for dozens of fees on the plane and finding their luggage will be arriving three days late.

Starbucks is launching a contest that will give the winner a free item every day for the next 30 years. The company isn’t worried about the cost since anyone drinking that much caffeine or eating their pastries every day isn’t going to make it past about 2018.

Starbucks is launching a contest that will give the winner a free item every day for the next 30 years. The company knows that the prize will go unclaimed because no one will be able to pay the income tax on the estimated value of about $50 Million.

Starbucks is testing an app that allows customers to order ahead of time. That way they can order a large mocha latte in November and save up the money to pay for it by the time they pick it up in March.

A study says that obesity is dropping in preschool kids. Experts became concerned when it was shown that the biggest health concern for young children had moved from cooties to high blood pressure.

A study says that obesity is dropping in preschool kids. Experts became concerned when pharmaceutical companies started making Flintstones shaped high cholesterol pills.

An official says the Dallas hospital that cared for the first U.S. Ebola patient had no training in the disease. They said an Ebola patient coming there for care would be met with even more confusion than by someone going to a hospital in Beverly Hills complaining of Sickle Cell Anemia.

Frontier Airlines says it is expanding its search for people who were on a flight with a nurse who contracted Ebola. The biggest problem is finding any of their passengers who will admit they flew on Frontier.

Jenelle Evans, former star of “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom 2” won an academic award for keeping a college GPA of 3.5. She is working hard to get through college, since she wants to get her degree before her kids who are only four grades behind her.

Jenelle Evans, former star of “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom 2” won an academic award for keeping a college GPA of 3.5. As opposed to most of the other people who appeared on those shows who are would have trouble scoring a 3.5 on an IQ test.

Jon Gosselin says he has been evicted from his rural home and has no place to keep his eight kids when they visit. Which shows that once you have had your own reality show, it can be pretty tough when you have to come back to reality.

Cowboys running back Joseph Randle, talking about his arrest for shoplifting says “I did something stupid.” Although in his defense, there are a lot of football players who have done dumber things. Like all the ones who signed contracts with the Oakland Raiders.

Knicks forward Amar’e Stoudemire says he is rejuvenating his surgically repaired knees by bathing in wine at a spa. The only problem with bathing in a tub full on wine is that once someone finishes their rehab, they need to go into rehab.

A former quarterback at South Carolina says that college athletes are paid “all day every day” for their autographs. They are the most lucrative autographs for the colleges, other than the signatures from all the academic students on their college loan forms.

Crews have begun demolishing bleachers at Wrigley Field for an off season renovation. It was the first time there has ever been a collapse at Wrigley Field that didn’t happen during the regular season.

Microsoft says it blocks 10 Million spam messages every minute. Which is good news for people using computers operated by Windows 8 who would have all those messages waiting for them when they finally figure out how to get their computer to boot up.

Google says it will be testing a high speed wireless Internet system. Which one day you will be able to use to go online with your Google Glass while being taken around town in your Google driverless car while you tell your kids about the old days where Google didn’t control every part of your existence.

Laker guard Steve Nash reportedly hurt his back carrying some luggage. Team officials are upset. They told Kobe Bryant not to pack away so many clothes in each suitcase.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am off to Salt Lake City for a weather conference the next few days. Apparently they booked the conference in Salt Lake City because they actually want us to do some work while we are there. But don’t get comfortable, you aren’t off the hook that easily. I will still be writing the jokes because even when I do something that shows I have a life, I have no life. What I do have is all of you who always make it worthwhile every time you remember to send the love!

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