Thursday, October 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Scientists are working on a test that can identify Ebola within ten minutes. Or they can just look to see when the person starts hemorrhaging blood through their eyeballs.

Liberia says it needs 80,000 more body bags in the next six months. Which is just slightly more than the number the Republicans were requesting during the debate about Obamacare.

Liberia says it needs 80,000 more body bags in the next six months. Which makes the toughest job in the world not in the medical community of western Africa but as the spokesperson for the Liberian Travel Bureau.

The U.N. is warning that the world has 60 days to get Ebola under control. Apparently they are looking at what happened in Iraq after the U.S. claimed we would eradicate Saddam Hussein in two weeks.

The federal government is developing a button that can track a person’s weight to fight obesity. As opposed to the current button method of identifying obesity where a person’s  pants button finally cracks under the strain and whistles through the air fast enough to take someone’s eye out.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. Which proves the old adage, never engage in a political argument with someone who is holding a straight razor over your face.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. Which goes to show that you should never go to a barber shop that is located right next door to a Starbucks.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. People were shocked. The last time they ever saw a barber actually shave someone was at Floyd’s Barber Shop in Mayberry.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is challenging the people of Los Angeles to cut water usage by 20% by 2017. So far the Dodgers and Angels have really cooperated by getting knocked out of the playoffs early enough to not have to dump large buckets of Gatorade over their teammates’ heads.

The federal government has collected $3 Trillion in tax revenue in fiscal year 2014. Congress was so excited about the good news they spent $5 Trillion on a Capitol Hill party to celebrate.

NASA astronauts will live in a dome for eight months to simulate life on Mars. Or they could just take a road trip through North Dakota.

NASA astronauts will live in a dome for eight months to simulate life on Mars. The space agency has already found someone to head the project who isn’t busy doing anything else these days, Pauly Shore.

A French law is aiming to cut back on binge drinking by teenagers. Although some people think they could start a little earlier, like with serving milk and cookies for elementary school breaks instead of wine and cheese tastings.

A French law is aiming to cut back on binge drinking by teenagers. Lawmakers say there is plenty of time for the youth in France to become disillusioned with the high unemployment, bad economy and rude compatriots to develop into a full blown alcoholic by the time they are adults.

A report says the IRS wasted millions of taxpayers’ dollars on software. The IRS claims it was necessary to buy all those copies of TurboTax to see how to actually be able to fill out one of the IRS returns.

The UN says the world has failed to address the Ebola outbreak. Which isn’t all that surprising when you figure we have also failed to address poverty, genocide, global warming, the global economic crisis...

Lockheed says that a nuclear fusion breakthrough will help develop planes with unlimited range. Which could make for tremendous savings for JetBlue when they don’t have to burn fuel while waiting on the tarmac for three hours preparing for takeoff.

A Dallas health worker who contracted Ebola later flew to Cleveland and back. Health authorities were very concerned. Who knows what kind of infections she might have brought back into Dallas from Cleveland?

A Delaware man is suing a hospital after he awoke from a colonoscopy to find he was wearing pink women’s panties. Although it still wasn’t as disturbing as that they came with an invitation to dinner by the guy running the colonoscope.

Oscar Pistorius’ defense team is requesting a lenient sentence as they say their client is suffering emotionally and financially. Not everyone realizes the personal and monetary toll that comes with shooting your girlfriend to death.

A study says the economy is steady enough so that small business owners are able to retire. Meaning that there are enough new job openings at McDonald’s so they can get some steady pay to go along with what they can scrape by with Social Security.

A study says the economy is steady enough so that small business owners are able to retire. Especially the ones who were already in their 80s back in 2007 but now feel like they might have enough money put away now to be able to take them through their 90s.

A banking industry analyst says that banks face “continued misery” for years to come. To which all of their customers are saying “It’s your turn now!”

The Federal Reserve says the economy is growing at a modest to moderate pace. Which means there is enough money around to where the Treasury has been able to slow the printing presses from “express” all the way down to “overdrive.”

Honda is being accused of underreporting safety incidents to the NHTSA concerning faulty airbags. To which Honda says how are they to know an airbag isn’t going to work until the passenger is actually about halfway through the windshield?

Toyota has recalled 423,000 Lexus cars for fuel leaks that could start fires. Which was criticized by GM who says at least their cars don’t pose a safety threat for the owners when they have to bring them in for recalls every other week.

Taco Bell says it is testing a Sriracha menu based on the popular hot sauce. What could really help the restaurant chain is if they would start working on recipes that contain Pepto-Bismol.

A study says the risks from epidurals and spinal anesthetic are extremely low. The study says the real danger for injury is to any doctor who tries to deny a spinal block to a pregnant woman who is in her fifteenth hour of labor.

A study says that 40% of all New York rats have at least one virus and nearly all suffer from some sort of bacterial infection. And those are just the ones found in the sewer underneath Lady Gaga’s apartment.

A study says that 40% of all New York rats have at least one virus and nearly all suffer from some sort of bacterial infection. Which means they could barely pass the test to qualify to drive a New York City taxi.

Whole Foods says it will rate fruits and vegetables as “very good,” “better” and “best” based on how they were grown. To which most Americans rate the best fruits and vegetables as the ones that are on someone else’s plate.

A report in a medical journal advocates more regulation of energy drinks. In fact, it says the only time energy drinks should be consumed is to help someone stay awake long enough to actually get through reading a medical journal report.

The Dallas health worker who flew to Cleveland went there to help plan her wedding. The only problem she has now is keeping her fiancee from reading the news articles about it so that she still actually has a wedding to go to.

Michael Jackson came in first on the list of top earning dead celebrities. His $140 Million came in ahead of Elvis Presley with third place taken by Larry King.

Michael Jackson came in first on the list of top earning dead celebrities. His estate made $140 Million in the past year. The only difference is that if he were still alive he would have spent $200 Million.

HBO will now offer programming to people who don’t have a subscription. Which before was very common but only for people who were able to climb a phone pole with a cable splitter.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he is leaving his office with “not many regrets.” His term included the no World Series year of 1994, the tied All-Star Game and the steroid years. Which is like the CEO of Enron saying everything was great until they went through that accounting audit.

The NFL New York Giants are briefing their players about Ebola for their upcoming trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys on Sunday. Although at 3-3 they should also include some tips about blocking tackling and holding onto the ball better.

The NFL New York Giants are briefing their players about Ebola for their upcoming trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys on Sunday. Fortunately, if any of the league’s players catch the disease they all are very well versed on how to give themselves any necessary shots using a hypodermic needle.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. Also because he seems to pretty much run out of juice right about the time the NBA Finals roll around.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. He also feels if he is going to be paid like a CEO, he should have the same amount of time off during the year.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. The good news is now that he is back in Cleveland his season will be a lot shorter without having to go through any of those long and grueling playoff series.

Archaeologists in England have discovered the remains of a chariot from the Bronze Age. Researchers could tell the vehicle crashed because it was apparently being driven by an invader who wasn’t used to right side driving.

Archaeologists in England have discovered the remains of a chariot from the Bronze Age. Historians say that chariot racing was a big sport in ancient England and that few people know that Big Ben was actually dedicated to a racer named Hur.

Scientists say the discovery of a new exotic particle may explain what holds things together. Which United Airlines maintenance workers already know the answer to that to be duct tape and bailing wire.

Scientists say the discovery of a new exotic particle may explain what holds things together. Which in the case of Cher is pretty much Botox and silicon.

IBM is using its super computer Watson Africa for a health care system in Africa. There’s a lesson to be learned here. Show up Alex Trebek on “Jeopardy!” one day, and the next you are sent right into the heart of the Ebola outbreak.

A 14 year old inventor from Pittsburgh was named Top Young Scientist for inventing a new low-cost battery. The title comes with a $25,000 prize, which he will use to buy video games now that he doesn’t have to pay as much for batteries for his Game Boy anymore.

A report says the best year for the tech industry was back in 2001. Which coincidentally was also the last year Microsoft put out a version of Windows that actually worked.

A study says that gradual weight loss is no better than rapidly taking off pounds. Especially when “gradual” means the person hopes to start dropping the 100 pounds they need in another ten years or so.

Apple and Facebook are offering to pay to freeze the eggs of female staffers. Cut rate websites like Groupon are offering the same service, but only by letting women employees use the air conditioner unit as their office chair for a couple of hours a day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of hilarity and endless laughter. Not here, when I go to ask my boss for a raise this afternoon. Once again, I appreciate you logging in to the blog to check out my latest attempts at humor. Make sure you tell a friend about the site. Or even better, an enemy. I am still woefully short of my goal of reaching 7 Billion readers a day. I think I have the 7 part down OK, it’s the rest that is giving me problems. One way you will never be a problem is to make sure to remember to always send the love!  

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