Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that one in five American adults has never been married, an all time high. Mostly because they are too scared of commitment after seeing what the other four have gone through with the cost of their divorces.

A study says that one in five American adults has never been married, an all time high. Apparently many young adults are putting off marriage until they accomplish some other life goals, like being able to find a job.

A report says that having $3,650 puts a person in the top half of the richest people on the planet. The other half made the mistake back in 2005 of taking out a subprime loan for their mortgage and investing heavily in GM.

A report says that having $3,650 puts a person in the top half of the richest people on the planet. So, women beware of a guy whose pickup line is that he is wealthier than nearly four billion other people.

A report says that global wealth has jumped $20.1 Trillion in the past year. Although it might be an over estimation as it is based on the fact that someone actually paid $2 Billion for the L.A. Clippers.

Data shows that the average home price in London is at an all time high. Which is still a bargain to most the English who consider it the price to not having to live in Ireland or Scotland.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has bought part of the island of Kauai for $100 Million. Which in today’s Hawaiian real estate market means that gets him about twelve square feet of property with the ocean nowhere in sight.

Washington, D.C. has been rated as the city with the highest cost of living in the U.S. Especially if you are a lobbyist and have three or more members of Congress to buy off each month.

Scientists have started calling the time we are living in “the Anthropocene,” or the age of humans. The have even subdivided the epoch, calling this particular era with Miley Cyrus the Anthrop-obscene.

Scientists have started calling the time we are living in “the Anthropocene,” or the age of humans. Which comes from the Latin for “Who is going to clean up this mess?”

A Google Glass user is being treated for the first known case of Internet addiction brought on by the device. Apparently he is actually just a masochist who likes getting beaten repeatedly by women in bars who think he is taking pictures of them.

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting at a mall. The items totaled about $125. Since he had $125.05 in his pocket, he is apparently planning on using the nickel back defense.

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting at a mall that were worth about $125. The Cowboys say they are disappointed in the news. Not the shoplifting, the fact that one of their running backs couldn’t outrun the mall cops.

The Army’s top general says he is worried that the number of soldiers is getting too small. Although things are expected to get better when we cut back from three to just two or one wars we are fighting at the same time.

A report says that Oscar Pistorius gave the family of the girlfriend he shot to death $35,000. Now who can say that kind of support coming from a multi-millionaire world class athlete doesn’t prove he really loved her?

Canada has developed a vaccine for Ebola that will be tested on 40 American volunteers. Although the subjects say they had no idea that this was part of the deal when they signed up for Obamacare.

The Pentagon says that global warming can foster terrorism. Or as an even worse scenario, a gathering where thousands of tree huggers come to hear a presentation by Al Gore.

Hillary Clinton says we need to end the “word gap” between low income children and their more affluent peers. Especially when only wealthy people would ever use the words “affluent peers.”

Hillary Clinton says we need to end the “word gap” between low income children and their more affluent peers. Although even her husband got into a lot of trouble trying to explain the meaning of the word “is.”

A study says that used cars are out of the price range of many Americans. Mostly because they are highly desired by people who want a car that has already been taken back to the dealer for all the recalls it had when it was new.

A study says that used cars are out of the price range of many Americans. The worst part is when the used car salesman looks at your financial records and asks if he can interest you in a shiny new bus pass.

A study says that 78% of women want a husband who has a steady job. The other 22% are just willing to stick with the one they have for now.

A study says that 78% of women want a husband who has a steady job. There’s a word for women with that kind of determination and drive. “Spinsters.”

A Swiss watchmaker has come out with a wristwatch that is selling for $2.6 Million. It even has a function that counts down to the second when your doorbell will be rung by the repo man coming to take it back.

A Swiss watchmaker has come out with a wristwatch that is selling for $2.6 Million. Which is sort of useless, because anyone who has $2.6 Million for a watch obviously doesn’t have to be anywhere at any particular time.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has given $25 Million for research on the Ebola virus. The only problem is that he gave it to the makers of Farmville who used the money to come up with a fake vaccine.

A study says that most Americans still prefer a male boss to a female boss. Although the rest would just like to have a job so they can say they even have a boss.

AT&T is planning to bring superfast Internet speeds to Chicago. Not everyone is ready for the technology. Some people there prefer the lag time of a few extra milliseconds to have to wait to find out how much the Cubs lost by that day.

Macy’s says it will open at 6pm on Thanksgiving Day. Which is great news for people who are tired with fighting with their relatives at the dinner table and can instead fight with complete strangers over items in the sale bin.

Macy’s says it will open at 6pm on Thanksgiving Day. It’s for people who love the smell of victory from getting bargain prices on their Christmas shopping along with the savored taste of turkey gravy and pumpkin pie.

Analysts say that Citigroup is trying to become a smaller and smarter bank. Mostly because all the banks are now a lot smaller from being so much dumber back in 2007.

Hillary Clinton says we need to build relationships with our political opponents. And if there is anyone who knows how to make up with an enemy, it’s the woman who has stayed married to Bill Clinton for 40 years.

McDonald’s will start accepting American Express rewards points at its restaurants. Although now instead of frequent flyer miles they are being called frequent fat points.

McDonald’s will start accepting American Express rewards points at its restaurants. The only question is which people who have made it to American Express status would ever eat at a McDonald’s?

A study says that 22% of teenagers use voice search while they are in the bathroom. The worst part is when Siri keeps asking what smells so bad?

Apple and Facebook are offering up to $20,000 for employees who want to freeze their eggs. It’s for women who work in Silicon Valley who want to have kids some day but want to wait until they can meet someone who isn’t one of their tech geek coworkers.

European soccer star Christiano Ronaldo has become the first athlete to have 100 Million Facebook fans. It must be amazing to have that many people logging in just to see what you ate for breakfast every day.

European soccer star Christiano Ronaldo has become the first athlete to have 100 Million Facebook fans. The hardest part is that they have to figure out how to log into his Facebook page without using their hands.

A report says that 14 Million illnesses in the U.S. are tied to smoking. That doesn’t even include the head injuries caused from lighting up too close to a militant non-smoker.

A study says that a person’s typing style can reveal their emotions. ALTHOUGH I HATE THAT ALL THAT MONEY IS SPENT ON STUDIES JUST SO SOMEONE CAN TRY TO FIND OUT MY EMOTIONAL STATE WHICH IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!

A study has linked the Mediterranean diet to a healthy heart. Although if you are living along the Mediterranean you can probably eat anything you want and still have a healthy heart because you are so happy and relaxed to have enough money to be able to afford to live along the Mediterranean.

The WHO says that Nigeria and Senegal are days away from being Ebola free. Which apparently means the last few people in those countries should be dead within the week.

The WHO says that Nigeria and Senegal are days away from being Ebola free. Which is good news for Americans because many of the Nigerians who died were rich princes whose relatives will be calling you soon to share some of the estate with you for just a good faith deposit.

A study says that dental problems from sports drinks could be denying athletes the chance at victory. Although we may never know the effect on who wins the Stanley Cup since it has never been hoisted by anyone not wearing a full set of dentures.

A study says that dental problems from sports drinks could be denying athletes the chance at victory. Which may finally explain why the English haven’t won an Olympic gold medal since 1912.

The CDC says that they are laying out a new plan to counter Ebola exposure in the U.S. Which is to take the place of the old plan which was pretty much wait for someone to get Ebola and then panic.

A 5 year old boy proposed to Demi Lovato on stage at a concert. To which Cher is telling her to go for it before he gets too old to date when he becomes a teenager.

A 5 year old boy proposed to Demi Lovato on stage at a concert. The boy says he has a steady income from making his bed and clearing the table and has been tested negative for cooties.

George Clooney’s new wife has taken his last name. The only question is how long will be until she decides to divorce him and also take half of his stuff.

Kendall Jenner reportedly wants Kris Jenner to step down as her manager. Although she would probably be a lot better off if Kris Jenner would also step down as her mom.

The Denver Broncos finished first in a poll as America’s most popular team, beating out the Dallas Cowboys. At least that’s the excuse people give to want to go to Denver ever since Colorado decided to legalize pot.

The NBA is experimenting with games that last 44 minutes instead of 48. In a related story, Major League Baseball is experimenting with seeing if they can complete a game in less than five hours.

The NBA is experimenting with games that last 44 minutes instead of 48. Apparently having that extra time will help extend the gap between the NBA Finals and the preseason which is now down to ten minutes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just recently passed my 34th anniversary of working in TV news. Which explains where all these jokes come from. One of these days I might finally decide to get a real job, one that requires some physical ability as well as quick thinking. I mean besides trying to duck out before the boss walks in. Who knows, maybe some day I could make some money writing jokes. Judging by what I just put down ahead of this I would say I should check out my arm to see how well it would hold up flipping burgers. But I get paid in something better than money, when you all remember to keep sending the love!

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