Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The WHO says that Ebola is the modern era’s worst health emergency ever. Although Republicans are still saying the jury is still out on Obamacare.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says that climate change poses an immediate threat to national security, with increased risks of terrorism, infectious disease and global poverty. But after it was pointed out we already have ISIS, Ebola and the recession he said “See, I told you.”

Secretary of State John Kerry says that life on Earth as we know it will end if climate change deniers are wrong. For one thing, no one wants to see a future where John Kerry is always walking around wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.

Secretary of State John Kerry says that life on Earth as we know it will end if climate change deniers are wrong. Although how much worse can it be than life on Earth after all the things the government has been wrong about?

The U.S. has slipped to 12th place on a list of economic freedom. Which is different than the free fall our economy has been in since 2007.

An elementary school in Ohio has banned birthday cakes. Mostly because by the time the fifth graders are celebrating their 16th birthday they feel a little too old to be blowing out birthday candles anymore.

A study says that one in four privately insured adults say they couldn’t pay for a serious illness. The other three say they can’t afford to pay for their health insurance premiums while they are well.

Google says it is testing a live video chat line where people can talk with a doctor about their symptoms. Which was made necessary by people being scared out of their wits after looking up their symptoms on Google.

A Vatican document is challenging the Church to change its attitude towards gays. Meaning that gay people should be allowed to become Catholic even if they have no interest in becoming a priest.

A study says that Sweden is close to becoming a cashless society. Which is just following the lead of most Americans who have been pretty much cashless since 2007.

A report says that sales of gas masks and biohazard suits have soared since the Ebola scare began. There hasn’t been that much of a demand for biologically protective gear in years other than the dressing room cleaning crew for the last Miley Cyrus tour.

A report says that the Ebola breakout could shut down the world’s chocolate supply. Which will mean there will be a huge push to beat the virus as most men would much rather deal with Ebola than have a woman in the house PMSing without any chocolate nearby.

Oscar Pistorius’ attorney says his client is a “broken man.” Apparently he meant to say “broke man” once he gets the bill from his lawyers to help him get away with murdering his girlfriend.

A Mayo Clinic doctor says that Ebola shouldn’t be the reason people aren’t seeing their family for Thanksgiving. Mostly because everyone can pretty much come up with about 100 other better reasons they don’t want to see their family on Thanksgiving.

Somalia is launching a postal service for the first time in two decades. Which means they will start out only about three years behind the U.S. Post Office in leftover deliveries.

A parrot in California that used to talk with a British accent disappeared for four years only to return speaking Spanish. The owner says it is just difficult adjusting from “Polly wants a cracker” to “Polly quiere galleta salada.”

A parrot in California that used to talk with a British accent disappeared for four years only to return speaking Spanish. The worst part is that any time they get near the car, the bird says “We’re near the border, get in the trunk ese.”

A study says that drinking coffee may protect the liver. Unless you are drinking Irish coffee.

A study says that drinking coffee may protect the liver. Mostly because the liver knows once the coffee starts flowing, the drinking has usually stopped for awhile.

France is considering airport screenings to keep out people who might have Ebola. As opposed to other airports that are screening to keep people out who might be French.

A poll says that Americans feel that equal pay is the top issue for working women. To which most employers say that everyone gets equal pay since the law prevents them from dropping them any lower than the minimum wage they are making.

Abigail Johnson has been named to take over from her father Edward Johnson as CEO of Fidelity. Apparently her resume to the head of HR during her job interview just said “That guy standing behind you looking over your shoulder is my dad.”

Abigail Johnson has been named to take over from her father Edward Johnson as CEO of Fidelity. The only bad part was when the board decided to instead of giving her a salary and yearly bonus to just call it her allowance.

J.C. Penney has chosen a former Home Depot executive as their new CEO. The only bad part is the new policy that any alterations in the clothes department will be taken care of by handing the customer a needle and thread and instructions on how to do it yourself.

J.C. Penney has chosen a former Home Depot executive as their new CEO. Although some customers are not happy that the only clothes they are selling are overalls to wear while painting your house.

Newspapers across the country are warning about fraudulent renewal notices being sent out in the mail. Apparently the scheme was discovered after the notices were sent in some cities to more than the three people who still actually have newspaper subscriptions.

Finland is blaming Apple for its economic problems. To which Microsoft is saying “Tell us about it!”

A survey says that China, India and Vietnam are bigger supporters of the free market than the U.S. Mostly because China, India and Vietnam used the free market to steal all our jobs and build strong economies while wrecking ours.

A study says that sleeping on a sofa increases the risk of death for babies. But not as much as when they spend all their time on that same sofa playing video games as a teenager and watching football as an adult.

McDonald’s will start to answer questions about its food on its website. The number one question submitted so far is “Why am I still tasting the Big Mac I ate back in 1997?”

A study says that kids who are caregivers are at risk of failing in school. Which brings up the question of why are kids being used as caregivers.

A study says that kids who are caregivers are at risk of failing in school. Let’s see anyone be able to concentrate on schoolwork after spending the morning changing their grandmother’s bedpan.

A study says that kids who are caregivers are at risk of failing in school. Mostly because while they are caregiving at home, their teachers are pretty much assigned to be their babysitters while they are at school.

A new link has been discovered between coffee consumption and people’s genes. Apparently it is the gene that prompts people to spend every spare cent they have at Starbucks.

Marijuana has been tied to a higher survival rate for people with brain injuries. Which explains why so many NFL players show no symptoms from getting hit in the head so many times in their careers.

Marijuana has been tied to a higher survival rate for people with brain injuries. Which is good since so many head injuries are caused by people falling down because they are too stoned to walk.

Marijuana has been tied to a higher survival rate for people with brain injuries. Mostly because it’s hard to get a brain injury when you spend the majority of your life glued to the sofa.

Monday is national “No Bra Day.” Which means we are all just praying that John Travolta manages to keep his shirt on the entire day.

Monday is national “No Bra Day.” Which has also been designated by men as “Sit on a lawn chair out on the boulevard and drink beer while watching braless women go walking by day.”

A study says that teenagers are not always aware of their rights during interrogations. Mostly because there is no teenager alive who has ever learned about the concept of the right to remain silent.

The cartoon “Bob The Builder” is going through a complete makeover. Although some parents are concerned about the rumors that Bob will now be played by the construction worker from The Village People.

A report says that Britney Spears’ former manager is working with Amanda Bynes. Sometimes it is just a tidbit like that which can answer a thousand questions about Bynes recent behavior.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner have joined Malala Yousafzai on Time’s Most Influential Teens list. Yousafzai was shot in the head while fighting for the right for girls to get an education, while the Jenner girls have shown girls around the world that you can still be tremendously successful even without one.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan says the team’s five game losing streak is the “low point” of his career. Other than being named the head coach of the New York Jets.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan says the team’s five game losing streak is the “low point” of his career. Conversely, most Raiders coaches would call a losing streak that was only five games a career highlight.

Marijuana and $4,600 in cash were reportedly found in the dorm room of a football player at Alabama. What’s the issue? The player was smoking the pot and needed $4,600 to buy some more for next week.

Marijuana and $4,600 in cash were reportedly found in the dorm room of a football player at Alabama. College football experts were shocked. How was the alumni committee expecting this player to make it through the week with only $4,600?

A report says the NBA’s media rights deal includes revenue from advertisements on team jerseys. So far the league has been inundated with requests from child support attorneys, bail bonds companies and medical marijuana dispensaries.

The WWE has announced a limited advertising policy on the WWE Network. Which is otherwise known as no one wanting to buy any commercial time on programs showing wrestling.

The WWE has announced a limited advertising policy on the WWE Network. Or as NBC calls that, the past twenty years.

A 114 year old Minnesota woman had to lie about her age to join Facebook. She was just happy as it was the first time she has had to lie about her age for something since 1919.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This Ebola thing is really getting scary. It’s the first time anyone has been this much at risk for catching an incurable disease since Paris Hilton was still on the market. I’ll be glad when it is over so we can just go back to the good old days of being scared about terrorists, home invasions and the water supply. Just remember when you lock yourself in the basement and cover the windows with plastic sheeting and duct tape, to make sure you keep the computer plugged in and close enough where you can reach over once in awhile and remember to send the love!

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