Sunday, October 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Europol is warning that hackers are plotting a cyberheist of global financial institutions. To which all the banking executives are furious. They say they thought of it first.

Europol is warning that hackers are plotting a cyberheist of global financial institutions. They will go about their plan as soon as they find any banks that have depositors who still actually have anything in their savings accounts.

KMart was hit by a data breach that compromised shoppers’ credit and debit card information. Authorities were shocked. People who shop art KMart qualify for credit cards?

Nielsen says that it has been reporting errors in broadcast ratings for the past seven months. Which explains how there are still any viewers showing up at all for “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo.”

Nielsen says that it has been reporting errors in broadcast ratings for the past seven months. Apparently the mistake was caught after some CBS primetime programming showed up elsewhere than in the "80 and over" demographic.

Ferrari has introduced a new supercar that will sell for as high as $3 Million and only ten will be made. They have all been sold already, mostly to people who need a car they know they can depend on while their GM cars are all in the shop for the latest recalls.

S&P downgraded Finland’s rating from AAA to AA+. Which would be bad news is there was anyone in the world who knows what that actually means.

Hackers are threatening to show teenagers’ nude pictures online. As opposed to where they can usually be found, on the computers of middle aged men who are posing on the Internet as 15 year old boys.

New Jersey has enforced an isolation order on an NBC news crew that was exposed to a cameraman who developed Ebola. Even if they hadn’t been exposed to Ebola they needed to be isolated for spending time in New Jersey.

The U.S. and UK will run a joint model run to test if they can cope with the next big bank collapse. Or they can just wait another week or two to see what happens when the next big bank fails for real.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has reportedly not been seen in public for the past five weeks. Apparently he is worried about no one being able to recognize him since he accidentally got a good haircut.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Malala Yousufzai and Kailash Satyarthi. To which most people are saying "Isn't one of them the guy who used to be Cat Stevens?"

A Michigan high school football team has cancelled its season for safety reasons after several players were sidelined with injuries. Which is otherwise known as “football.”

A Michigan high school football team has cancelled its season for safety reasons after several players were sidelined with injuries. To which the Jacksonville Jaguars are saying “You can do that?”

A Chinese state run newspaper is accusing a U.S. organization of being behind the pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong. Which the groups are denying, saying they are still working on trying to get some democracy back into the U.S.

Google says statistics show that one third of all online shopping searches are done between 10pm and 4am. Mostly by women who are emptying out their husbands’ bank accounts while they are waiting for them to try to sneak back into the house.

Google says statistics show that one third of all online shopping searches are done between 10pm and 4am. Mostly by women who can’t sleep between getting booty calls and making late posts on Facebook.

Google says it has rejected 58% of the requests made under Europe’s “right to be forgotten” laws. As opposed to the 100% of people in the U.S. who found out that nobody will ever be able to forget when they put their naked and drunk pictures on Facebook.

A report says that gasoline prices in California could fall as much as thirty cents a gallon by Christmas. Which means they might finally be able to afford to drive to the mall to do Christmas shopping if they only had any money left in their bank accounts to afford to buy anything.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has been fined $10,000 for wearing Beats headphones after the NFL signed an exclusive agreement with Bose. Commissioner Roger Goodell says “The homie was slapped down and had to give up the mail for wearing the wrong cans.”

The U.S. says that some nations are not doing enough on the economy. Which is another way of saying they need to be a little better about loaning us money when we ask for it.

The U.S. says that some nations are not doing enough on the economy. To which the other countries are telling us that they wouldn’t have to if we didn’t crash it and take everybody else down in 2007.

Katy Perry has been named to star in the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. The NFL is excited to have her perform and as already prepared its public apology statement and set aside money for the inevitable fine from the FCC.

October is National Cybersecurity Awareness Month. Which is the month everyone will find out there is no such thing as cybersecurity and that they are probably having one of their accounts hacked right now.

October is National Cybersecurity Awareness Month. To which officials at J.P. Morgan, where 80 Million customers saw their accounts get hacked are saying “Oh, we thought that wasn’t until November.”

A study says that New Hampshire has the best quality of life. For one thing, after residents die there they don’t have to spend any money if they want to be cryogenically preserved.

A study says that New Hampshire has the best quality of life. Apparently the study was conducted by researchers who have never been to New Hampshire.

A study says that New Hampshire has the best quality of life. Rounding out the top five were Minnesota, Vermont, Iowa and North Dakota. Apparently the quality of life in the study is based on never having to pay a cooling bill.

A study says that New Hampshire has the best quality of life. Mostly for people who don’t like to be bothered by foreigners, tourists or anyone else who would never even think of setting foot in New Hampshire.

A study says that men need 7.8 hours of sleep a night, while women need 7.6 hours. The women get approximately twelve minutes less sleep a night. Two minutes for sex that the other ten for listening to their husbands snore immediately after.

A study says that student loans have doubled in size over the past two decades, up to $26,000. After which they will get a degree that they will be lucky to use to land a job that pays that much a year.

A study says that student loans have doubled in size over the past two decades, up to $26,000. Which sounds about right since the size of students has also about doubled over the past two decades.

A study says that student debt is soaring for kids from wealthy families. Mostly because those kids will end up going to a good law school where they will learn to find a loophole that keeps them from having to pay back any of their loans.

FedEx workers in New Jersey have rejected joining a union. For one thing, the workers figured the union wouldn’t be able to get them the only benefit they really wanted which is to work somewhere other than New Jersey.

Experts are telling parents to explain to their children their inheritances in advance. Mostly because that’s the only way they will get to enjoy the fun of seeing their kids fight each other, take legal action and break up the family over what they are being left.

Experts are telling parents to explain to their children their inheritances in advance. Mostly for the fun of seeing the look on their faces when they find out they will be left with all their parents debt they piled up during the recession.

The CEO of J. P. Morgan says the company will double its spending on cybersecurity. Which in the wake of having 80 Million clients’ accounts breached means that amount could go as high as $3.18.

A survey says that one quarter of Americans see Ebola as a major public health threat to the U.S. The other three quarters are still more frightened by Obamacare.

A study says that preschoolers can help predict disease outbreaks by charting symptoms across the country. This is in addition to the ability young schoolchildren have had for years to know who was at most risk to be the carriers of cooties.

A study says that coaches don’t always do enough to protect young pitchers’ arms. Although many coaches want to make sure their pitchers’ arms don’t get too tired or weak to the point where they don’t have the strength to inject themselves with PEDs.

A British university says it can save $230,000 a year if students on campus would save water from flushing toilets by peeing in the shower. To which colleges in Alabama say they save even more by not having showers on campus.

A British university says it can save $230,000 a year if students on campus would save water from flushing toilets by peeing in the shower. To which colleges in Oregon say they save just as much because women take so much less time in the shower by not shaving their legs.

A study says that many newborns are at risk on their first ride home from the hospital. But that hasn’t really been that much of a problem since Britney Spears hasn’t had any kids since 2006.

The FDA has approved a Hepatitis C drug that costs $1,125 a pill. Although most of that is for the trademark rights to make the pills look like Fred Flintstone.

The owner of the San Diego Chargers says he is against Los Angeles getting an NFL team. Apparently he is saying if San Diego can’t have an NFL team why should L.A.?

The owner of the San Diego Chargers says he is against Los Angeles getting an NFL team. The way the Dodgers and Angles got taken out of the first round of the playoffs, L.A. should be more concerned about getting a baseball team.

The New York Yankees say they are considering moving Alex Rodriguez to 1st base. Although most Yankee fans will always think of him and associate him with 3rd. Class.

An app helps leaf peepers find the best places to look for autumn leaf colors. Which ironically is what people used to do in the autumn in the times before their eyes became permanently transfixed on the screen of their smartphones.

President Obama says he is for net neutrality and against having any fast lanes available on the Internet. Which became pretty obvious during the rollout of the Obamacare website.

A report says that hackers have accessed 100,000 Snapchat photos, including many nude pictures and are threatening to put them on the Internet. Which is otherwise known as the same thing as any nude pictures that were ever sent to any ex-boyfriends.

A report says that it costs about a quarter a year to charge the battery of a cellphone. Which is just a very small fraction by comparison of the energy that same cellphone sucks out of the soul of the person who stares at its screen 20 hours a day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What a depressing weekend. The Dodgers and Angels were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs and the Giants are still alive. At least I have someone to root for now. Whomever they happen to be playing at any given time. But at least the sun was able to break through the clouds for about five minutes today, the first time that has happened all weekend. Don’t worry, I will break out of this funk some time around the middle of April. In the meantime just try to remember to make an attempt to brighten my gloomy existence the only way possible, by making sure to always send the love!

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