Friday, October 10, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The federal government is scrambling to calm the public over the Ebola virus fear. Just as soon as they calm the public’s fears over the economy, housing market and terror threats.

Plane cleaners have gone on strike at New York’s La Guardia Airport over fear of the Ebola virus. People were shocked. Since when have there been airplane cleaners at La Guardia?

An oversized body caused a fire at a crematorium in Virginia. Apparently his family was ashamed that even after he was dead he made a complete ash of himself.

An oversized body caused a fire at a crematorium in Virginia. How obese are we getting when they need to start installing fat drip pans when they incinerate someone?

A study with mice shows that exercise protects the brain against depression. Although how happy can you be after being stuck in a cage and running on a wheel all day?

Elon Musk says that super intelligent machines could decide to destroy human life. Which means it is probably a bad idea to work on the assembly line along side the robots he is putting together to build his Tesla cars.

A former agent says the Secret Service is in collapse. You have to admit it can’t be easy to find people whose only job is to stand in front of the President and take a bullet.

A former agent says the Secret Service is in collapse. Apparently there is a morale problem among the agents who object to having to stop anyone who wants to harm Joe Biden.

A comedy club in Barcelona is using facial recognition technology to charge people by the laugh. Their first promotion was a completely free night featuring Dane Cook.

A time capsule buried on Wall Street since 1914 was opened 100 years after being sealed. All that was in it was a note saying “What are you looking at?”

A time capsule buried on Wall Street since 1914 was opened 100 years after being sealed. It contained a note saying “Sorry for what we are about to do in 1929 and again in 2007.”

A report says the partisan split in Washington, D.C. is the worst its been in a century. The country is divided more than at any other time other than the rift between the factions “Less filling!” and “Tastes great!”

The Afghan military is reportedly destroying U.S. supplied planes and selling them for scrap metal at six cents a pound. The worst part is that the company buying the metal is turning around and making it into hammers they are selling back to the U.S. for $600 apiece.

The Afghan military is reportedly destroying U.S. supplied planes and selling them for scrap metal at six cents a pound. The U.S. can take pride in knowing that the Middle Eastern wars didn’t end the conflict or the growing threat of terrorism there, but at least we taught them the value of recycling. 

A Texas death row inmate with an IQ of 65 has been freed after it was found he was not guilty following nine years in prison. The good news is that time in jail along with a double digit IQ at least now makes him a viable candidate to run for the Texas State House.

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani will represent a video game company being sued by former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega who claims his likeness was used in “Call of Duty” without his permission. Although Noriega would have a better case in going after the people who used a more realistic likeness of him in “Zombie Apocalypse.”

Wells Fargo will pay $5 Million to end an inquiry into complaints they discriminated against pregnant women and new mothers for home loans. The bank says it was an oversight, and that violated its policy of only discriminating based on race, religion and sexual orientation.

A report says one fourth of Americans think the poor don’t work hard enough. The other three quarters couldn’t take the survey because they were working too hard at the three jobs they need to keep from becoming any poorer.

A report says one fourth of Americans think the poor don’t work hard enough. But then, how hard are you going to work to keep from getting fired from a job that barely pays minimum wage?

A manager at a Burger King in New Mexico used a knife to attack a customer who complained his onion rings were cold. Remember the old days when the only way fast food would kill you was over a period of years from clogged arteries?

The University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business has been recognized that its MBA program with a $123,000 a year tuition is the best in the country. The program is so good that graduates can use the knowledge they acquired there to pay off their student loans sometimes before they are 80.

A report says that up to 35% of cell phone bills are taxes and fees. The rest is legal lingo for why you can’t get a refund for a lack of service and how they will take all your worldly possessions if you try to leave the plan early.

A report says that up to 35% of cell phone bills are taxes and fees. Which is good for customers of AT&T who can take comfort in knowing at least they aren’t paying 100% of their bill for the kind of service they are getting.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple stock is selling at half its real value. Which is good since all Apple products cost about three times their real value.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple stock is selling at half its real value. Which is an investor’s way of rationalizing that they got suckered into paying way too much for the shares they bought.

Southwest Airline’s on time performance has been rated below other airlines. Mostly because it takes time on each flight to cram 150 people onto a plane that was only meant to hold 73.

Statistics show the death rate for men after breaking a hip is twice that of women. Especially when the men can’t run away from their wives after they find out what they were doing to cause their hip to break in the first place.

A study links sexting with sexual activity among teenagers. The study was apparently put together by the University of Duh.

A study links sexting with sexual activity among teenagers. Although how lazy are teens today that they engage in sexual activity without having to get off the couch instead of the old way of using the back seat of their parents’ car?

A study links sexting with sexual activity among teenagers. And that doesn’t even count the middle aged men posing as teens they are sending all their naked photos to.

A study says that obese children may show early signs of heart trouble. The worst part is when the only technology gadget they are really proficient at using is the heart defibrillator.

A study says that contact sports can boost the spread of “superbugs.” Which has always been the case ever since the cheerleading squad was expected to start dating the entire football team.

A study warns of stimulants in some diet supplements. Or as stimulants are otherwise known to most people, diet supplements.

A Marine General says to expect a “mass migration” to the U.S. if Ebola hits Central America. Or if it just hits Africa. Or if Ebola never happened at all.

The World Alzheimer’s Report of 2014 offers health habits for people to adopt to prevent dementia. The only problem is that the report was misplaced and no one can remember where they put it.

A party for Kate Moss featured drinking glasses that were modeled after her left breast. The bad news is that the guests who wanted to drink larger portions traded up to use shot glasses.

A party for Kate Moss featured drinking glasses that were modeled after her left breast. As opposed to a recent party for Sofia Vergara where guests jumped in a pool modeled after her right breast.

Amanda Bynes was arrested for shoplifting at Barney’s in New York City. Although charges will probably be dropped because she could have been doing something much more dangerous to the public instead, like driving.

Kylie Jenner has launched a line of hair extensions. Which is nice that she is pushing a product her dad can use to go along with the Spanx he is always wearing.

The athletic director at Mississippi State is asking fans to practice “cowbell etiquette” when the team plays Auburn. If nothing else, it is the first time the words “cowbell” and “etiquette” have ever been used in the same sentence.

The athletic director at Mississippi State is asking fans to practice “cowbell etiquette” when the team plays Auburn. Asking for cowbell etiquette is usually reserved only for events where people are expected to wear their Sunday best overalls.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim says that Carmelo Anthony’s grades at Syracuse consisted of four Cs and a D. People were surprised. A Syracuse basketball player actually attended classes?

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim says that Carmelo Anthony’s grades at Syracuse consisted of four Cs and a D. Which was amazingly still good enough to land him a part time job off campus that paid $74,000 a year along with a company car.

Police say that several pieces of memorabilia from the Yogi Berra Museum and Learning Center in New Jersey were stolen, including several World Series rings. There is a Yogi Berra Museum and Learning Center? Apparently the learning center is there to actually translate anything that has ever been said by Yogi Berra.

Police say that several pieces of memorabilia from the Yogi Berra Museum and Learning Center in New Jersey were stolen, including some World Series rings. When asked to describe the missing items, Berra told police when they catch the thieves and bring the items back they can see what they look like for themselves.

A study says that teenagers are leaving Facebook in large numbers for Instagram. At least until their parents also start getting Instagram accounts.

A study says that teenagers are leaving Facebook in large numbers for Instagram. Mostly because they are tired of their grandparents trying to steal all their Facebook friends.

The U.S. travel industry says that the Ebola scare may alter vacation holiday plans. Especially for all those families who have booked their usual summer vacation for a carefree week of fun and frolic in Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone.

Dairy Queen is the latest retailer to be hit by hackers. Although how much money can hackers possibly think they can run up on credit cards that only have enough of a limit to afford a Peanut Buster Parfait?

MIT students did a study that predicted the first fatality in the Mars One colonization project will happen 68 days into the endeavor. Apparently that’s how long the MIT students say it will take before someone commits suicide from boredom because they won’t have enough available power to run their video games.

MIT students did a study that predicted the first fatality in the Mars One colonization project will happen 68 days into the endeavor. Apparently that is the day the other colonists will kill the person who keeps picking Justin Bieber songs to sing at the nightly Karaoke contest.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This Ebola outbreak is pretty scary. The real problem is going to be on Halloween when people who dress up as zombies are attacked by people thinking they are untreated Ebola patients. But seriously, if you have blood hemorrhaging from your eyeballs, it may be time to get that thing checked. In the meantime, let’s all enjoy the weekend and make sure you always remember to send the love!

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