Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Secret Service report says that there have been more than 1,000 “breaches and vulnerabilities” over the years. Unfortunately, it turns out that someone accidentally replaced the agency’s specialized training films with “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”

An Alabama high school says the NSA has been monitoring students through social media. Apparently, agents thought they were using some sort of secret code to communicate until they realized it was just that none of the students could read or write.

Norway has been rated the best country for well being for the elderly. Afghanistan was rated the worst. Mostly because no one in Afghanistan ever makes it past age 43.

Norway has been rated the best country for well being for the elderly. That would change overnight if Florida would ever secede and become its own nation.

Michael Phelps was arrested for his second DUI. Apparently not only does he swim like a fish, he drinks like one, too.

A statue of Ed Sullivan was stolen from the TV Academy’s Hall of Fame Plaza in North Hollywood. It can be easily identified because of its really big shoes.

The CDC has confirmed a Dallas man has the first case of Ebola in the U.S. Alarms were sounded when his infection level suddenly went from “guarded” to “dangerous” to “Paris Hilton.”

George Clooney’s wedding in Venice cost an estimated $13 Million. Which is nothing compared to the half of his $180 Million fortune he will be turning over to his wife once she files for divorce.

The FDIC says U.S. banks have closed 1,600 branches in the past year. Apparently most banks are shutting down the branches where there are fewer than five people who still have an active savings account.

The FDIC says U.S. banks have closed 1,600 branches in the past year. The reason given is that there isn’t much for them left to do now that they have pretty much foreclosed on all the mortgages they have written since 2005.

An app called Good2Go allows users to give consent before hooking up with someone. Apparently people find it less cumbersome than Facebook or dating sites where you actually have to write a profile and have a few conversations before getting into bed.

The President of Venezuela is accusing airlines of waging an economic war against the country. And you thought it was bad to be hit up with fees for your luggage, drinks and a blanket.

A report says the Pentagon wasted $100 Million on vehicles they brought back from Afghanistan. Ever since the government bought out GM they just can’t get away from spending millions of dollars on vehicle recalls.

An Oklahoma man has been arrested for threatening beheading someone at work. Management really has to be careful these days when they tell employees that heads are going to roll.

California has imposed a statewide ban on plastic bags. Most Californians feel that plastic should be used only for what nature intended. Enhancing the size and shape of women’s breasts.

A study says the Subaru WRX is the vehicle that is issued the most tickets. What else would anyone expect from a car that phonetically spells out “wrecks”?

A study says the Subaru WRX is the vehicle that is issued the most tickets. Not because people who own them like to speed, but because people who own cars made in Detroit never drive anywhere except back and forth to the dealership for recalls.

A report says that school spending by the affluent is widening the wealth gap. Not because the rich are spending money on private schools, but because the less affluent make their kids dumber buying them video games and cellphones.

Two brands of children’s sweatshirts are being recalled for a choking risk. Until now, the garment most associated with choking was a Los Angeles Clippers jersey.

The government says the NFL TV blackout rule is “unsportsmanlike.” Although some claim it is merciful in making only the few people who actually buy tickets to the Jacksonville Jaguars games have to suffer while watching every loss.

The Consumer Confidence Index dropped in September. Mostly because people realize the holiday season is three months away and they have no confidence they will have any money saved up by then to do any Christmas shopping.

The Mayor of Detroit says getting the buses to run on schedule is job number one. Especially for all the people who can’t wait another minute to catch the first bus out of Detroit.

The Mayor of Detroit says getting the buses to run on schedule is job number one. Apparently the high crime rate, housing crisis and $18 Billion debt will be left for the next mayor to deal with.

Microsoft has introduced Windows 10, which comes right after Windows 8. People are wishing the company would have also skipped over Windows XP, 95 and Vista.

Microsoft has introduced Windows 10, which comes right after Windows 8. The sad part is that Microsoft did it so people will remember Windows 9 as the one system they never had any problems with.

A poll says that small business owners tend to feel satisfied but not successful. Although in this economy still being in business is what is now pretty much the definition of success.

New ads for Viagra target only women for the first time. Mostly the ones whose husbands and boyfriends left them when they finally got a prescription for Viagra.

A report says the medical industry paid doctors and hospitals $3.5 Billion over five months last year. The biggest amount came from pharmaceutical companies who paid doctors to prescribe their painkillers for their patients who need them when they get their medical bills.

AC/DC rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young has left the band because of dementia. Apparently his brain deteriorated because all he ever had to do was memorize three chords.

AC/DC rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young has left the band because of dementia. Doctors are still confused with his case. How could someone play with AC/DC all these years and lose his memory but still have his hearing?

A study says that fish oil has little effect on an irregular heartbeat. Mostly because the only fish oil available since the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill is pretty much BP 10w-40 weight.

A study says that olive oil can repair failing hearts. Which is not to be confused with Popeye whose heart couldn’t be repaired after failing with Olive Oyl.

A restaurant in England is offering an 8,000 calorie breakfast that requires a signed waiver before ordering. Or as they call that at Taco Bell since they started serving breakfast, the healthy menu alternative.

A study says an antioxidant found in wine may help fight acne. Which may be why all the winos passed out on skid row always seem to have such creamy smooth complexions.

A study says that people who don’t have any friends have worse outcomes after heart attacks. Which explains why Dick Cheney had to finally get a heart transplant and just throw the old one out.

A study says that people who don’t have any friends have worse outcomes after heart attacks. Especially the ones who lose all their friends by insisting they always show them their bypass surgery scars.

A study explains why men like to get drunk together. Mostly because they are getting drunk because there aren’t any women who will go out with them.

A study explains why men like to get drunk together. Apparently it has something to do with them pretty much liking to get drunk under any circumstances.

“Jeopardy!” is being slammed for having what some people call a sexist category of “What Women Want.” The worst part was when one of the answers was “Not to ever have to be set up on a date with someone who has appeared on ‘Jeopardy!’”

Amanda Bynes was arrested for another DUI in California and her parents say they are unaware of her whereabouts. Which was exactly the same problem Amanda Bynes was having when she was arrested for DUI.

Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner were reportedly seen having a romantic dinner together in Paris. After which they capped off a perfect evening by egging the Louvre.

Kobe Bryant says he felt like himself after his first team practice in 10 months. Which means he went through the entire session without passing the ball to any of his teammates.

The FCC says it will consider punishing any broadcasters saying the word “Redskins.” Apparently it falls under the FCC guidelines for speaking with forked tongue.

Scientists say there are 117 Million lakes on the planet. That doesn’t include California which now designates a lake as any body of water that actually causes a splash when you step in it.

Researchers at the University of Washington say that motion activated technology will soon be coming to cellphones. Which means people will be able to program their phones to call 911 when they detect the motion of the upcoming tree they are about to hit because they are texting while driving.

Microsoft says its new Windows 10 is a blend of the best of Windows 7 & 8. Which is the part where they finally work properly right before they spiral into the blue screen of death.

EBay and Pay Pal are planning to split into two separate companies in 2015. Apparently that was the only alternative after no one was able to meet the reserve price for Pay Pal when they put it up for auction on eBay.

Four teenage hackers are being charged with stealing millions of dollars of intellectual property from the Army and Microsoft. The only problem will be convincing a jury that the Army and Microsoft actually were able to produce more than $23 of anything that could be considered intellectual.

Europeans are accusing Ireland of giving Apple illegal tax breaks. Tech industry experts laughed at the charges. Since when has Apple ever paid taxes?

Europeans are accusing Ireland of giving Apple illegal tax breaks. The Irish government says they were willing to pay any price just to have some other vegetation associated with their country besides potatoes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday I cranked out 60 jokes, which I think ties my record for daily output. I also broke my old record in that four of them were actually mildly humorous. My motto has always been quantity over quality. Except when I am too lazy to be concerned about the actual number. But who’s counting? The only thing that matters to me is the number of times you all remember to send the love!

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