Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Bruce Levenson, owner of the NBA Atlanta Hawks says he will sell his interest in his team after sending an e-mail saying that white people were being scared away from coming to games. If his allegations are true, it is mostly because they are afraid to pay for tickets to watch a team that finished 38-44 last year.

CBS and David Letterman have been slapped with a lawsuit by former interns claiming they were simply full time employees who weren’t paid. CBS lawyers were surprised by the legal action. Not one of Letterman’s former interns even claims to also have been at least groped?

CBS and David Letterman have been slapped with a lawsuit by former interns claiming they were simply full time employees who weren’t paid. How old has Letterman gotten that instead of chasing his interns around the office he now just forgets to pay them?

Olive Garden offered a Never Ending Pasta pass that allowed buyers all the pasta, salad and breadsticks they could eat for seven weeks for $100. The only catch is that alcoholic drinks, tip and post-meal defibrillator are not included in the price.

Olive Garden offered a Never Ending Pasta pass that allowed buyers all the pasta, salad and breadsticks they could eat for seven weeks for $100. It’s estimated that eating there for the entire seven weeks could result in consuming more than 100,000 calories. Or as that is called at the Cheesecake Factory, “lunch.”

A Florida mansion has the highest listing price in the country at $139 Million. The entire home was built to be soundproof. That’s so the neighbors won’t have to hear the owner crying when they realize they spent $139 Million on a house.

Cadillac says it will be selling cars in 2017 that will have “super cruise technology” that will steer, accelerate and brake the vehicle. Cadillac says the cars will be semi-autonomous and will require an attentive driver. The only question is how attentive is anyone who is old enough to want to buy a Cadillac?

A watchdog report says the Department of Homeland Security is unprepared for a pandemic in the country. The DHS says that isn’t true. That’s why they have been saving all that plastic sheeting and duct tape all these years to slap over everyone’s mouth when there is an epidemic and they run out of face masks.

A watchdog report says the Department of Homeland Security is unprepared for a pandemic in the country. The DHS denies that, saying that Osama bin Laden might still be alive if he had only followed their advice and gotten his flu shot.

Royal experts say the fate of the British Monarchy will be unclear in Scotland if the country votes to go independent. Which is no problem since the British Monarchy’s fate has been uncertain for the entire UK since about 1688.

Oklahoma will get new execution equipment after an execution went wrong earlier this year. State officials say they will probably sell off the old execution equipment, if they can find someone who needs a horse, rope and tree.

Gambia lawmakers have passed a bill that would send gay men to prison. If those legislators think that is going to end homosexuality, they have never watched any episodes of “Oz.”

Japan has compiled a 12,000 page biography of Emperor Hirohito. Which is a little longer than how he is remembered in American history books. “Attacked Pearl Harbor. Lost big.”

A survey says that 40% of corporate executives see lower pay and benefits for workers. Which is still better than the other 60% who are looking to lay them all off and send their jobs overseas or replace them with robots.

A survey says that 40% of corporate executives see lower pay and benefits for workers. The other 60% would like to lower their pay but that minimum wage thing keeps getting in the way.

Data says that stock ownership is at its lowest level in American in 18 years. People haven’t been this scared to buy into any companies since they pinned their retirement hopes on Pets.com back in 1996.

Data says that stock ownership is at its lowest level in American in 18 years. Fewer than half of all people own any stock. What’s even worse is that many who claim to have stock are waiting for their Enron, Lehman Brothers and GM shares to come back.

The Treasury is considering action to make it tougher for companies to renounce their U.S. citizenship for tax purposes. Most Americans were bewildered. Since when to American corporations pay any taxes?

The Federal Reserve says the super rich have gotten richer over the past few years. Apparently it’s following a trend that started sometime around 1776.

The Federal Reserve says the super rich have gotten richer over the past few years. The Fed keeps track of that by the number of requests they have to print extra $100 bills from the super rich so they can have something to light their cigars with.

A report says that super glues are the secret to making cars lighter and saving on fuel. Glues can also make them safer by making people’s fingers stay stuck to the steering wheel instead of on their cellphone to send out text messages while they are driving.

Trump Entertainment is planning to file bankruptcy again. Which means that Donald Trump is just starting to make another run for the presidency by showing he fits right into Washington with the ability to run the country like he does his businesses.

Trump Entertainment is planning to file bankruptcy again. Anyone wondering why the name of the company includes “entertainment” just needs to know how much people love to watch Donald Trump go broke.

Chick-Fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy has died at age 93. Announcements say his fyuneral wil be nixt weak sumtyme.

Panera Bread is asking its customers to leave their guns at home. If they want to go to a restaurant that encourages gunplay they can always go to the Waffle House.

The CEO of Hertz is stepping down after the company lost money through accounting errors. Apparently they overestimated the number of people who would return cars empty that they could stick with an $8 a gallon surcharge.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that casinos and tracks in the state can offer sports betting, as long as no betting involves New Jersey colleges. Which works out since when was the last time anyone wagered on Seton Hall, Rutgers or Princeton?

Southwest Airlines has given their planes a new look with new blue, red and yellow coloring on the exterior paint. Apparently the bright colors will allow their pilots to find the planes no matter how many cocktails they have had before arriving at the airport.

A new service in New York called SheTaxis offers female driven taxis for women only passengers. There is also a taxi service in New York for black men called “good luck, brother!”

A new service in New York called SheTaxis offers female driven taxis for women only passengers. At least for average looking women. Any hot women will be picked up within 30 seconds of looking for a ride by a passing limousine.

Detroit will test “smart” freeways along with talking cars. In Detroit, a smart freeway is one that lets drivers know the fastest way out of Detroit.

EBay’s Pay Pal unit will start accepting Bitcoins. No doubt there will only be offers on eBay for payment with Bitcoins for bids on lightsabers, Wookie costumes and Han Solo action figures.

Ford Executive Chairman Bill Ford says that global gridlock is a threat to car making. Although the good news is that when there is complete gridlock in a city, it will be harder for people to realize the Ford they are driving actually stopped running three hours ago.

A report says that U.S. consumers are borrowing more than they have in the past three years. It’s always good news for the economy when people feel it is safe once again to go over their heads in debt.

British researchers say that e-cigarettes could save 6,000 lives for every 1 Million smokers. Mostly from people who wouldn’t be pummeled by lighting up near any militant  non-smokers.

A study says that sleeping on animal fur can protect against allergies and asthma. The only problem is the other injuries that can be incurred if the fur you are sleeping on happens to belong to a pit bull.

A study says that lung cancer may be able to be detected by a thermometer. Especially if the thermometer is anywhere near the lighter that the patient always has lit to light up their next cigarette.

A study says that being bullied by a sibling can increase the risk of depression later in life. Especially when the victim remembers being 15 and pushed around by his four year old sister.

A study says the most reliable workers get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night. Especially when they get enough sleep because their boss isn’t making them work 18 to 19 hours a day at the office.

Upgrading the Obamacare website is reportedly the priority of the new chief of Health and Human Services. Which basically means trying to finally figure out where the “on” button is.

18 year old Kendall Jenner has posed for a nude photo spread. The scary part is wondering when there will be a photo shoot of the Jenner family member with the largest breasts, Bruce.

Fran Drescher has married the inventor of e-mail, Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai. They make a great couple since they use his invention to communicate so he never has to actually listen to her talk.

Kim Kardashian says there is no sex tape of her with Kanye West. Apparently they are both so narcissistic that when they are having sex, they don’t want anyone else in the room taking any attention away from them.

Charges have been dropped against Justin Bieber for an alleged assault of a limo driver. Apparently the driver didn’t want to get up in public and have to admit he was beaten up by Justin Bieber.

Charges have been dropped against Justin Bieber for an alleged assault of a limo driver. Apparently investigators at the scene could find no traces of any eggs that were thrown.

Gene Simmons says that rock and roll is dead. But apparently it can be temporarily brought back to life with enough Botox, Spanx and stage makeup.

Robert Downey, Jr. says there are no plans to make “Iron Man 4.” However, having no plan didn’t stop Sylvester Stallone from making Rocky III, IV and V.

James Corden has been named to replace Craig Ferguson on the CBS “Late Late Show.” Apparently it is for people who find an annoying English accent slightly more acceptable in the early morning hours than an irritating Scottish burr.

James Corden has been named to replace Craig Ferguson on the CBS “Late Late Show.” To which most people are saying “Who and who?”

Former Baltimore Ravens player Ray Lewis says he is disappointed in his protege Ray Rice. Apparently Rice didn’t learn anything from Lewis about leaving any surviving victims.

A study says there are as many blue whales off the California coast as there were before they were hunted to near extinction 110 years ago. Although one of the blue whales that was added to the count was actually Kirstie Alley sunbathing on the beach after auditioning for a role in a Smurfs movie.

A study says the biggest threat to rare languages is economic growth. Which explains why the U.S. southern accent hasn’t changed in the past two hundred years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Apple has a big announcement today. Which no doubt means just another way to suck even more money out of the people who use their products. As I type this on an iMac and make a note about it on my iPhone. I also have a big announcement. That I am done with yet another batch of semi-amusing jokes that give you something to do to completely waste 15 minutes of your day. And all for the low, low price of just occasionally remembering to send the love!


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