Sunday, September 07, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Students in Australia have designed a robotic couch that drives the occupant to the refrigerator. The couch will never be practical in the U.S. until they can also make it self-driving so the operator won’t have to put down their bag of chips on the ride.

The FBI says that Cuban intelligence is recruiting American academics as spies and agents. What are they going to use them for, changing their grades?

The FBI says that Cuban intelligence is recruiting American academics as spies and agents. Or just to show them how to throw a really good toga party.

The NRA has started an ad campaign saying Americans are afraid the country has gone “off the rails.” The only problem is that people who see the commercials think they are advertising for Amtrak.

Fitch Ratings downgraded New Jersey’s bond rating, citing the state’s poor economic performance. Which is adding insult to injury like telling someone not only are they broke but ugly, too.

CNBC has dropped to a 21 year ratings low. Mostly because who needs to watch a financial news channel to tell them what to do with the money they haven’t had since 2007?

A report says there is an 18% chance that Ebola will spread to the U.S. by the end of September. The good news is that there is an 82% chance that most Americans will be done in before Ebola arrives by obesity, heart disease or diabetes.

The Detroit Chief Financial Officer says that higher taxes won’t bring the city out of bankruptcy. People were surprised. Detroit has a Chief Financial Officer?

The Detroit Chief Financial Officer says that higher taxes won’t bring the city out of bankruptcy. Mostly because if you look at the city’s properties, residents’ income and area businesses, there really isn’t anything left to tax.

A charter jet carrying 100 Americans flying to Dubai was forced to land in Iran over a “bureaucratic issue.” Which is the last time that those pilots will take directions from a guy on a donkey who tells them to turn left at Afghanistan.

Legal memos from the Bush era have been released which gave the administration’s legal justifications for warrantless wiretaps. People were surprised. Since when has the government ever felt the need to justify spying on Americans?

Data says that having children helps the career of men but hurts women. Apparently the study was put together by comparing the number of children along with the salaries of players in both the NBA and WNBA.

A New York woman is starting a company that offers bridesmaids for hire to women who are getting married. The most important part of the service is having a maid of honor who will actually not complain about having to wear dress the bride picks out.

Starbucks says it will open 100 new stores that only serve its rare “reserved” coffees. The only thing more rare in a Starbucks is finding a barista who will actually acknowledge the customers.

Los Angeles is rumored to be possibly getting two NFL teams. Mostly because the last two teams they had, the Rams and Raiders don’t really count as professional football organizations anymore.

Los Angeles is rumored to be possibly getting two NFL teams. The league realizes there is a niche for football in the city as people need something to do on Sunday’s between brunch and evening wine tastings.

Certificates of now defunct stocks are becoming popular for people to use for wall decorations, selling for between $20 and $1,000. Which means it’s a much better investment for people buying old certificates of Pets.com than the people who originally bought the stock.

A study says that insulted customers may actually spend more than others. Which explains how Best Buy is able to stay in business.

A study says that insulted customers may actually spend more than others. Which is pretty much the business model of Starbucks.

Safety executives at Toyota say that cars will be safer in the future but will still need drivers. People were impressed. They had no idea Toyota even had safety executives.

Safety executives at Toyota say that cars will be safer in the future but will still need drivers. Mostly just someone who can try to slam on the brakes when the cars start accelerating out of control.

Detroit ended its first week of its bankruptcy with a witness from the Stockton, California bankruptcy trial. How bad is it when you want to get your city finances in the same shape of Stockton?

A Stanford MBA graduate has launched an elite dating site called “The League” to meet more desirable mates. Which is very much in demand for anyone who has had to spend the last four years of their life mostly dating Stanford students.

U.S. banks have a positive image for the first time since 2007. Mostly because people don’t have to deal with them anymore since 2007 was the last time they had any money to put in a savings account after the banks crashed the economy.

Hotel surcharges will bring in a record high revenue in 2014. Some hotels are even charging money for the in-room safes to hold all the cash people need to pay the additional surcharges.

Hotel surcharges will bring in a record high revenue in 2014. Remember when hotels were satisfied by taking all their guests’ money through what it cost to use the mini-bars?

A study says that one in four large employers still offer pensions to their workers. Mostly because they know they will all be laid off before the five years it takes to become eligible for the plan.

A survey says that Americans rate computer companies better than Internet providers. Although they are still waiting to get any responses back from the people who have computers running on Windows 8 who subscribe to AOL.

A survey says that only 13% of people think women are portrayed accurately in ads. The other 87% just wish that advertisers would start portraying their products accurately.

A survey says that only 13% of people think women are portrayed accurately in ads. The other 87% have seen too many beer commercials.

A California company is coming out with a $500,000 electric sports car. The car is $20,000. The other $480,000 is for all the AA batteries that go in the trunk.

A California company is coming out with a $500,000 electric sports car. Don’t we already have that? It’s called an Augusta National golf cart.

Employees of Time Warner Cable will be given $416 Million to keep from leaving the company. Now if they could only come up with a similar plan for their customers.

Employees of Time Warner Cable will be given $416 Million to keep from leaving the company. The only problem is that the checks will be delivered personally, and will be dropped off some time between 8 and 5 Monday through Friday during the next three weeks.

Researchers say that the planet’s eating and environmental goals don’t align. Although when you look at what we are eating along what is being pumped into our air and water it looks like we are both pretty much right on the same track.

A study says that wearing a bra doesn’t increase the risk of breast cancer. The idea sounds pretty much about the same as saying the ice used in cocktails is what is causing all the liver disease.

A study says that wearing a bra doesn’t increase the risk of breast cancer. The one thing not wearing a bra will catch is the eyes of every man within three city blocks.

A study says that wearing a bra doesn’t increase the risk of breast cancer. To which mean are saying to the researchers who are telling women it is safe to wear bras, “Nice going, Einstein!”

A study says that family trouble is tied to poorer dental care. At least those family fights don’t include any biting.

A study says that family trouble is tied to poorer dental care. Especially in Alabama where family problems between blood and marriage relatives involve the same people.

A study says that family trouble is tied to poorer dental care. Although at least the people of Alabama never have any family fights stemming from someone using another’s toothbrush.

A study says the stress of cooking may outweigh the benefits of family meals. Although for most women the real stress of cooking is knowing that when the meal is done the family will sit down together and that’s when the fighting starts.

A survey says that grandparents today are younger, more hip and more involved than in years past. Mostly because they feel more like they are still parents because they are the ones actually raising their grandchildren.

Lady Gaga reportedly cursed an audience with an expletive-laced tirade. Or as Lady Gaga fans call her expletive-lace tirades, “lyrics.”

A Florida man was arrested for attacking his golf playing partners with a putter. Apparently he was just obliging them when they said they wished they knew what it would be like to be Tiger Woods.

Charles Barkley says when he was playing basketball at Auburn he was given money by agents. He didn’t say what he used the money for, but it’s a good bet it wasn’t for health food or golf lessons.

Geologists say there is a $1 Trillion treasure trove of rare minerals underneath Afghanistan. That’s all the people there need is another reason for everyone to keep dropping bombs on them.

New apps help students budget their time to study, sleep and for social time. The only problem is making time for study, since budgeting for sleeping and socializing is already taken care of. It’s called “class time.”

Japan’s NTT is testing Internet technology that can send information at 4,000 gigabits per second. Or as AOL calls sending 4,000 gigabits, downloading until 2019.

Andrew Kay, a pioneer in computers has died at age 95. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to get his last wish, to see his Windows 8 PC finally boot up.

Andrew Kay, a pioneer in computers has died at age 95. He was so old that he remembered when a mouse was an animal and apple was a fruit.

Canada is minting a new coin that commemorates Superman. The motto on the coin is “Up, up and away, eh?”

Canada is minting a new coin that commemorates Superman. The motto on the coin was changed slightly to gives the superhero more of a Canadian connection. It says “It’s a blimp, it’s an asteroid. Oh, wait it’s just Rob Ford.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the NFL season has started. That means as a Raiders fan I have the next two weeks to cheer before we are mathematically eliminated. Oh, Well. At least I still have the Dodgers to root for the next few weeks. I hope. You never can tell, all you can do is hope for the best. Kind of like what happens when people log on to this blog. I don’t care who you root for, all I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!


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