Friday, September 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that sharks are nine times more likely to attack men than women. Just ask any man who has been torn to shreds in divorce court by his wife’s legal team.

A report says “rogue” cellphone towers that intercept mobile cellphone data have been springing up across the country. Although people don’t mind since they still offer better connections than the ones operated by Sprint.

The new Fox show “Utopia,” where well-meaning contestants are put in a remote location to reinvent society is reportedly plagued by the “natives” who can’t agree on anything. Which may finally give an insight to what happens every day in Congress.

The new Fox show “Utopia,” where well-meaning contestants are put in a remote location to reinvent society is reportedly plagued by the “natives” who can’t agree on anything. Which gives historians a pretty good idea of how things must have been during the founding of France.

A report says that one in ten workers in California are in the country illegally from another country. The other nine are trying to figure out how they can move to another country where they can actually afford to live.

The obesity rate in the U.S. is at a historic high. Which shows that even our statistics are getting fatter.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were convicted of corruption. They claim they will appeal, as soon as they can find a judge who is more likely to accept some sort of payoff.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were convicted of corruption. Their attorney says he is “shocked and disappointed” by the verdict. Mostly because they had gotten away with everything else up to this point.

The U.N. says someone commits suicide every 40 seconds. Which just shows how many people now have access to continuous broadcasts of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”

The U.N. says someone commits suicide every 40 seconds. Which is about twice the number it was before they came out with that "all Justin Bieber" radio station.

A new robot can reportedly make 360 hamburgers in an hour. It could wipe out many positions in fast food restaurants just as soon as it can be programmed to ignore customers and spit on the food.

A new robot can reportedly make 360 hamburgers in an hour. It will be available for fast food restaurants just as soon as it can be programmed to walk a picket line and demand $15 an hour.

San Francisco and Washington, D.C. are at the top of the list for “snobbiest” cities. It is so expensive to live there that even the homeless people can’t fit in unless they are able to at least afford to live in a Sub Zero refrigerator box.

San Francisco and Washington, D.C. are at the top of the list for “snobbiest” cities. Although Oakland came in at #5. It is so snobby there, even Raiders fans are trading in their brass knuckles for something more in a classic wrought iron look.

A report says the oldest pyramid in Egypt was “ruined” by a company hired to restore it. Which brings up the question, is it even possible to ruin some ruins?

A report says the oldest pyramid in Egypt was “ruined” by a company hired to restore it. The company is being accused of running a pyramid scheme.

Berkeley, California has mandated free medical marijuana for low income residents. Which works out really well for the people who are low income because they sit around smoking pot all day.

Berkeley, California has mandated free medical marijuana for low income residents. Low income residents in Berkeley are graduates from UC Berkeley who are still trying to pay off their tuition loans before they reach retirement age.

Scientists say that standing up more keeps a person’s DNA young. Which is scary to think that we are all actually just sitting on our DNA.

Upscale restaurants in Los Angeles are adding a 3% surcharge to pay for healthcare costs. Of course, most of the health care increases are coming from claims put in by people eating at all the L.A. fast food restaurants.

Upscale restaurants in Los Angeles are adding a 3% surcharge to pay for healthcare costs. The only problem is that 3% of an upscale restaurant bill in L.A. amounts to about $85.

Malaysia Airlines has dropped an ad campaign asking people what activities and destinations are on their “bucket list.” Apparently the airline wanted to make sure everyone completed their list before they flew on Malaysia Airlines.

Experts say record summer travel could signal more optimism in the economy. Except for those who are hitchhiking around the country after their home was foreclosed looking for somewhere they can actually afford to live.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford called a crowd “elitist” after they laughed at him during a debate. Thinking that people going to hear Rob Ford debate are elitist is like expecting to find a VIP section at the WWE Summer Slam.

A judge has ruled that BP was “grossly negligent” in the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill. The judge also ruled that Osama bin Laden was not a very nice man.

A judge has ruled that BP was “grossly negligent” in the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill. Even Judge Ito was saying the judge was going pretty easy on them.

New cellphones are being specifically designed to help people take more and better selfies. When asked about the cellphones’ performance with making phone calls, the manufacturers said “Phone calls?”

The head of the FCC says that a duopoly dominates basic Internet service for most Americans. It’s just too bad there isn’t some organization that could make rules that could change that and make it possible to have more options.

The head of the FCC says that a duopoly dominates basic Internet service for most Americans. Which means nothing to most Americans since there are still more than 2 Million who actually use AOL as their Internet provider.

The Postal Service is delivering Amazon grocery orders in San Francisco. Which is great for anyone who orders a quart of milk and either gets to enjoy cottage cheese or yogurt when it arrives in seven weeks.

Apple is being accused of more labor violations in supplier factories in China. Apple says it is being patriotic by not inflicting such horrible conditions on any Americans.

Apple is being accused of more labor violations in supplier factories in China. Apple wants to know who reported them, since employees can’t afford an iPhone and have no scheduled break times where they could send any texts if they did.

Halloween stores are opening earlier than usual this year. Mostly because all their usual Halloween specials are overshadowed by all the Christmas ads that come out in October.

Iconic Comedian Joan Rivers has died at age 81. Her passing marks two deaths in the family, the other being the show business career of her daughter Melissa.

A survey says that one in four Americans have medical debt that exceeds their emergency savings. Mostly because no one has any emergency savings left after the mortgage meltdown and economic crash.

A survey says that one in four Americans have medical debt that exceeds their emergency savings. That doesn’t even include the people who are having to pay off the tuition loans for their child going through medical school.

The Fed says data shows that college is not a good investment for everyone. Especially the people who get a philosophy degree and expect to find a job that will pay it off before they are 80.

The Fed says the median income over the past three years has dropped for all but the richest 10% of Americans. Mostly because the top 10% are the only people who actually still have an income.

Lego has passed Mattel as the world’s biggest toymaker. Although that depends on whom you are asking. For CEOs, that title still is a tossup between Rolls Royce, Gulfstream and Oceano Yachts.

Lego has passed Mattel as the world’s biggest toymaker. Mostly because the building blocks give today’s children their only opportunity to build a house they can afford and not have to worry about it being foreclosed.

European Union flights must pay passengers $326 if they are three hours late getting to their gate. Which means United Airlines is the one company in America we don’t have to worry about going overseas in one of those tax inversion schemes.

European Union flights must pay passengers $326 if they are three hours late getting to their gate. If that ever happened in the U.S., United Airlines would get around it with their special “time warp” surcharge of $326 on each ticket.

Merchandise for the Washington Redskins has plunged 35%. Which will last until the team changes its name and then sales will skyrocket from people who think they will be able to resell it for more on eBay.

Merchandise for the Washington Redskins has plunged 35%. The drop is being credited to groups who are publicizing the offensive nature of the team’s name. But more to the fact that no one wants to root for a team that won three games last year.

A report says that U.S. workers’ productivity was up 2.3% in the second quarter. Mostly because that is the quarter where people actually do work since football season is over and baseball season hasn’t gotten into full speed yet.

A study says that Colorado is has the lowest obesity rate at 21%. However, that should change any day now that pot is legal in the state and pizza, Oreos and Doritos sales about to go through the roof.

A study says that 10% of Americans admit to illegal drug use. The other 90% are applying for residency in Colorado or Washington so they can claim all their pot smoking is within the law.

A U.S. doctor who contracted Ebola in Liberia is headed to Nebraska for treatment. Mostly because the only treatment known is to make him stand out in a corn field where he won’t come within ten miles of contact with another human being.

“Modern Family” star Sofia Vergara has been named the highest paid TV actress. Kim Kardashian actually makes more money but no one will come out and say anything she has ever done could qualify as acting.

Johnny Manziel has applied for a trademark for the phrase “Johnny Cleveland.” Mostly because a baseball player already has the trademark on the name that reflects where he will spend his career, “Johnny Bench.”

The Raiders and their cheerleaders have reached a $1.25 Million settlement over claims of low pay. The Raiders say the pay scale for the Raiderettes was fair since the team never actually gave them anything to cheer about.

A deadly albino cobra was captured after escaping in L.A. Which disappointed David Coverdale who hadn’t seen so many people showing an interest in a white snake since 1987.

The New Mexico drought has claimed the life of a 600 year old tree. People were 
shocked. There was a tree in New Mexico?

The New Mexico drought has claimed the life of a 600 year old tree. It’s too bad that there wasn’t some kind of way to save it, like someone getting a bucket of water and pouring it out on the ground near the tree.

Microsoft says the number of certified Windows operated devices has quadrupled in the past year. Mostly because people figure if they have four devices operated by Windows 8, at least there is a chance one of them will be able to boot up.

United Airlines will fly the world’s longest route with a 787-9 Dreamliner, from Los Angeles to Melbourne, Australia. The next longest flight in the world is pretty much a tie with any other trip scheduled on United.

Hackers broke into the servers at the Obamacare website. The only question was how could anyone even tell?

Hackers broke into the servers at the Obamacare website. Those must have been the world’s worst hackers. The idea is to get into a site that hasn’t actually been wrecked yet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Joan Rivers passed away yesterday at age 81. I had been joking about her condition which should make me feel bad but in all reality that was in true Joan Rivers style. She was merciless, mean, cutting and vicious. And very, very, funny. She didn’t hold back on anyone and she was relentless in her criticisms, bashing and work ethic. She was working right up until the end. She angered a lot of people with her routines which is great. Comedy is based on bringing down the rich and powerful and those who think they are above everyone else. That made her above most others in my book. Today, let’s all send the love to Joan!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Joan was in the business to make people laugh. She would not be offended... well, she would be if she actually read your blog, but not because she was the subject of your jokes...