Thursday, September 04, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Google is reportedly working on a quantum computer chip that makes machines think like humans. Although ironically it’s the invention of gadgets like the video game console that have made it so humans have decided to stop thinking.

Researchers at the University of Texas at San Antonio are studying the possibility of operating drones with brain signals. That way the “pilots” will still be able to have their hands free to eat snacks and text their friends while they are dropping bombs on civilians half way around the world.

Two California judges have been censured for having sex in their chambers. Apparently they were caught when they got brave and started to use a camera to video what was going on en camera.

Two California judges have been censured for having sex in their chambers. That’s one case where being disrobed almost ended up with them being disbarred.

Two California judges have been censured for having sex in their chambers. They could have saved themselves the embarrassment of being censured if they would have just been a little more self-censored.

A Texas man reportedly stabbed his roommate for being too loud in the next room while taking part in a threesome. Apparently he wanted to be loud to let his roommate know he was involved in a threesome.

A new NBC drama will be based on exorcism. Doesn’t NBC already have a show featuring demonic possession? It’s called “The Apprentice.”

A Florida restaurant has banned customers from using ketchup. All they need to do now is ban salt and sugar and for the first time in 40 years, people will actually be able to know what food actually tastes like.

Government officials are saying the next ISIS threat could be the American power grid. The only problem is that if the grid is cut off during the summer, it could take Con Ed customers three weeks to even realize something has happened.

A 4D movie theater in Los Angeles is gaining popularity for showing films that shake, blow smoke and give off odors. Which in L.A. are otherwise known as local documentaries.

A study says that a super eruption at Yellowstone National Park could blanket the entire U.S. in ash. Which is exactly the same threat to the country ever since marijuana was legalized in Washington and Colorado.

A poll says that 71% of Americans are in favor of keeping the football team name “Redskins.” The other 29% say the team should be able to keep the name, but should pay Indian tribes off in heap big wampum.

Broncos receiver Wes Welker says he tested positive for amphetamines because his drink may have been spiked at the Kentucky Derby. He thinks he may have gulped down a mint julep that was meant to be given to California Chrome.

The St. Louis Federal Reserve says the reason that there hasn’t been inflation in the U.S. is because people are “hoarding money.” Which is a much less attractive term for what used to be called having a savings account.

The St. Louis Federal Reserve says the reason that there hasn’t been inflation in the U.S. is because people are “hoarding money.” Which would probably solve a lot of our country’s problems if the government would try the same thing some time.

“Shrinkflation” has hit supermarkets, where people pay the same price or more for less product. Which in Hollywood is known as the latest Adam Sandler comedy.

Willingboro, New Jersey has decided not to rename a town owned building after President Obama. Apparently the city council has decided being immortalized in New Jersey would be a bit much. They feel the President has already suffered enough in his second term.

France has delayed delivery on a warship to Russia because of the situation in the Ukraine. The French battleship is state of the art, and can simultaneously hoist as many as 50 white flags at once.

Mexico has produced its first litter of wolf pups conceived by artificial insemination. The process was very difficult, with still no sign of the first 37 technicians that were put in charge of inseminating the wolves.

Some Pennsylvania teachers and a principal are facing charges of cheating on standardized testing. Things used to be a lot tougher in school when kids were the ones that had to come up with creative ways of stealing answers off other students’ tests.

U.S. job creation is at a 6 year high. Mostly because it’s easy to hire a lot of people when the going rate for everyone is minimum wage.

Joe Biden says we will follow ISIL to the gates of hell. Which for members of ISIL, that means when they are caught they will be interrogated by Biden himself.

A Detroit woman says she will go vegan for a month if PETA will pay her water bill. PETA says it will pay her water bill, but only if she does all her drinking from a bowl.

A report says that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because how skilled does anyone have to be to arrange Slim Jims on a 7-Eleven store shelf?

A report says it takes half as long to recoup the cost of a college degree compared to the 1970s. Although when someone talks about the 1970s and college tuition, they mean starting college at 19 and paying off the loans into their 70s.

Costco will pay $335,000 in a settlement of violations of the Clean Air Act. The question there is just exactly how bad was that cleanup on Aisle 5?

A report says that banks no longer depend on fees as much to boost their bottom line. Mostly because it’s hard to charge fees when no one has had a balance in their savings accounts since 2007.

The Isis Wallet mobile payment service is changing its name to Softcard to avoid any association with the ISIS terrorist group. What’s even worse is that the company’s CEO is named Al Queda.

A study says that pesticides can cause unsuspected allergic reactions. Especially if you are an aphid, beetle or snail.

A study says that pot addiction may be real. Although it is nice that researchers finally found a project where they have no problem finding volunteers to show up at the lab every day.

A study says that pot addiction may be real. Although the announcement took three hours because the researchers couldn’t get through an entire sentence of the report without breaking out giggling.

An analysis says that there is really no difference between any of the popular diets when it comes to the amount of weight lost. Which means that the next big diet fad will probably have something to do with unlimited cake, ice cream and cookies.

An analysis says that there is really no difference between any of the popular diets when it comes to the amount of weight lost. Mostly because no one actually stuck with any one diet for more than three days.

Starbucks admits there is no actual pumpkin in its Pumpkin Spice Latte. Now people are concerned if their other drinks even contain any real latte, frappuccino or espresso.

Researchers say that eating fruit every day can lower a person’s risk of heart disease by 40%. Although it goes up by 60% when they see how much it costs to buy fresh fruit at the supermarket every day.

Researchers say that eating fruit every day can lower a person’s risk of heart disease by 40%. The only problem is convincing people that orange marmalade, banana pudding and strawberry ice cream really don’t count as servings of fruit.

A study says that a low carb diet beats low fat diets for weight loss and lowering the risk of heart disease. At least until the next study coming out in a week that will say the complete opposite.

A study says that e-cigarette vapors may be less toxic than tobacco smoke. Mostly because sitting behind a bus blowing diesel fumes all day is pretty much less toxic than tobacco smoke.

A study says that e-cigarette vapors may be less toxic than tobacco smoke. Mostly just from the fact that lighting an e-cigarette won’t put your life in immediate danger like it will lighting up a tobacco cigarette near a militant non-smoker.

A study says that e-cigarettes are a gateway to substance abuse and addiction. Like the nicotine that is being abused and causing addiction to the people inhaling it through their e-cigarettes.

Experts say that health care spending is expected to rise over the next several years. In a related story, they also say that the sun will continue to rise in the east every day.

Experts say that health care spending is expected to rise over the next several years. Apparently there is a direct correlation between the amount of money spent on health care and the increase in the number of people served on the sign at McDonald’s.

A study says that poor quality of sleep may be linked to a shrinking brain. Mostly when your wife keeps hitting you on the head after catching you sneaking into bed at three in the morning.

Pilots and flight crews are said to be at a higher risk of skin cancer. Which makes for an even bigger argument to allow jetliners to come with convertible tops for the cockpits which can be opened on nice days.

The Yankees will retire Derek Jeter’s #2 on Sunday. Which comes after they already pretty much got rid of the number two also known as Alex Rodriguez.

Sao Paulo, Brazil will introduce Internet enabled buses to improve public transportation. If we had that in the states the buses would always be full with people forgetting to get off at their stop because their eyes would always be stuck to the screens of their smartphones and tablets.

Sao Paulo, Brazil will introduce Internet enabled buses to improve public transportation. The only mistake was making the carrier AOL so no one can get off the bus while they are waiting to make an Internet connection.

A survey says that 45% of kids say they don’t go ten minutes without using some kind of technology while at school. The other 55% have to resort to crib notes, cheat sheets or copying off their neighbor to do their cheating.

A survey says that 45% of kids say they don’t go ten minutes without using some kind of technology while at school. Especially the ones who want to be social but don’t know how to actually have a conversation with their friends that doesn’t involve texting.

The U.S. has moved up to third place among the world’s competitive economies, behind Switzerland and Singapore. The only problem is the competition is to get back all the jobs we lost to India, China and Mexico.

Gun tourism is on the rise in the U.S., mostly involving people from other countries with restrictive gun laws. Apparently they want to partake in the American experience of robbing a convenience store with something other than a baseball bat, knife or tire iron.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of stale, recycled jokes for your entertainment and pleasure. OK, at least the first part of that statement was true. I hope you enjoy the jokes somewhat. Especially the ones that are somewhat funny. Remember, I do this as well as forecasting weather for people in the Tri-State area of West Virginia, Ohio and Kentucky. What? Why didn’t someone tell me it was raining? Well, there goes my day. You can always make things better by simply remembering to send the love!

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