Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


GM is preparing to make cars that detect when the driver is distracted. For GM car owners the biggest distraction is when they are notified with a text from GM that their car is being recalled.

A Japanese biped robot can walk at 2.6 mph and can even perform a somersault. Its main use is for parents to show their kids what children used to do before video games were invented.

A survey says that only half of all women can locate the vagina on a diagram. Which is still better than all the men who still can’t find the G-spot.

The FBI is starting a radio program called “The FBI This Week.” The FBI uses the show to both play songs y Justin Bieber right before announcing the latest warrants it has issued for his arrest.

The FBI is starting a radio program called “The FBI This Week.” They have a special rap segment where they play the week’s top ten songs right before they announce the performers who have been named to the Ten Most Wanted list.

A study says that 60% of parents offer cellphones to children as young as 10. Mostly because texting their kids is the only way they will ever be able to have any communication with them.

A report says that AM radio stations are fighting for survival. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s radio?”

A report says that AM radio stations are fighting for survival. Pretty much like anyone who is old enough to still actually listen to AM radio.

A report says that AM radio stations are fighting for survival. Mostly because it’s hard to line up sponsors that sell guns, camouflage clothing and survival bunker kits that are the only things that AM radio listeners actually buy.

Fast food workers across the country are planning acts of civil disobedience to try to increase wages. Employees are expected to sit down on the job and disrupt customers from getting their meals. In other words, it will be business as usual.

Hollywood is seeking answers to why the movie industry had such a bad summer. The worst part is they don’t even have a Kevin Costner bomb this year they can put the entire blame on.

A humanoid robot called “Pepper” will be sold in Sprint stores by next year. Sprint customers can use the robot to hold their phone and wait until any of their calls actually go through.

A humanoid robot called “Pepper” will be sold in Sprint stores by next year. The only problem for Sprint customers who have iPhones is that Pepper just keeps using their phone to try to hit on Siri.

Justin Bieber was arrested in Canada after getting into a fight with paparazzi following an ATV crash. Most people agree that is the kind of fight that law enforcement officers should just let go to the death.

Justin Bieber was arrested in Canada after getting into a fight with paparazzi following an ATV crash. He can’t drive a Ferrari and can’t control an ATV. The roads would be a lot safer if someone would just buy him a bus pass.

A Popeye’s worker in Maryland was found stabbed to death in a storeroom. Apparently the fight started when he tried to collect from another employee who promised to pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says he could take Kiev in two weeks. To which the Ukraine says “It’s yours” and they will even throw in the remains of Chernobyl for free.

Foreign ownership of U.S. government debt has reached $6 Trillion. Which is good news is that means we won’t be invaded by any other countries since they have too much of a stake in us to do any damage.

Foreign ownership of U.S. government debt has reached $6 Trillion. Now if we could just find some other sucker who will pick up the other $11 Trillion we will be in the clear.

A Florida man was removed from a city council meeting for not reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The only excuse to keep from putting your hand over your heart for the Pledge of Allegiance in Florida is to either have it holding your “Duck Dynasty” hat or keeping your finger on the trigger of your concealed handgun.

Stanford University says it will increase its enrollment by 100 students in the next two years. That way they have a better chance of actually admitting some students who have an interest in going to some of their football games.

Stanford University says it will increase its enrollment by 100 students in the next two years. The school accepts only 5% of its applicants. They don’t need any more students, but the admissions department just likes the idea of getting to send out another 1,900 rejection letters.

A groom at a Pennsylvania wedding started a brawl after groping a pregnant waitress. Apparently he already took care of the old, new and blue and considered her the “something borrowed.”

A report says the DHS has spent $49 Million on unused vehicles. Mostly because the government insisted they buy only GM cars which are all still in the shop on recall.

A report says the DHS has spent $49 Million on unused vehicles. That doesn’t even count all the people screened by the TSA for United Airlines flights that never get off the tarmac.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay has been suspended by the NFL for 6 games and fined $500,000 for a DUI conviction. It has taught him a valuable lesson. The next time he gets drunk he should not get in his car and instead just beat his family and get a smaller penalty.

The 9 year old Arizona girl who accidentally shot and killed her shooting instructor with an Uzi says the gun was “too powerful.” Which most people agree that any gun is too powerful for a 9 year old that is loaded with anything other than water.

A Princeton University worker has been told by the school he has to make a choice between using medicinal marijuana and his job. Apparently the school says if he wants to smoke pot he should do like everyone else and just sign up to be a student.

A study says the U.N. environmental efforts are still a mess. The study says the U.N. has actually done a pretty good job but will never really have an impact until the day they kick out India, China and Texas.

A report says that faster broadband begets faster broadband. Which begets a faster end to a marriage when the wife catches her husband being able to access even more porn sites every night.

A report says that faster broadband begets faster broadband. Which begets a child who fails the third grade when they can’t look up even simple information for an assignment because they have AOL.

A study says that gun violence costs U.S. taxpayers $500 Million a year. Mostly for guns and bullets to make sure they are sufficiently armed to protect themselves in case any of that violent gunplay comes to their neighborhood.

There has been no apology from the mining tycoon who is responsible for the worst ecological disaster in Mexico’s history. That disaster is known today as “Mexico.”

Dunkin’ Donuts has returned to southern California for the first time since shutting down its stores there in the 1990s. How fat have we gotten that Dunkin’ Donuts can make it back into L.A. before they can finally get an NFL team?

A former football player is suing Portland State University among others for $5 Million for the effects of concussions from playing football there. The effects to his brain functioning ability was so severe that after the injuries he could only maintain a B average at Portland State.

The Detroit bankruptcy trial has gotten underway. If the city thinks it was in debt before, just wait until they get the bill for this trial from their legal team.

The Detroit bankruptcy trial has gotten underway. The plaintiffs were hoping for a change of venue from Detroit as the most damaging evidence that the city is bankrupt is pretty much looking outside the courtroom at Detroit.

The Detroit bankruptcy trial has gotten underway. The city claims it is still “in distress.” And that’s just referring to the fact that their sports teams are the Lions, Pistons and Tigers.

The U.S. has upheld the right of workers to complain about their workplace on Facebook. Which for most people is big news and they can hardly wait to start posting their dissatisfaction with their job. Just as soon as they can actually find one.

Several banks say that Home Depot’s credit cards have been hacked. Which is just a good thing that most people don’t need to go to Home Depot anymore for home improvement since their house was repossessed in the mortgage meltdown.

Several banks say that Home Depot’s credit cards have been hacked. Which means that people don’t even have to go to the hardware department to get screwed.

A Louisiana boy who was born without a brain has died at age 12. It was sad because the entire “Duck Dynasty” clan has survived a lot longer than that with the same affliction.

A study says that action packed television makes people snack more than slower paced shows. Which means that CBS can now come out and accurately claim its programming actually helps people lose weight.

A study says that action packed television makes people snack more than slower paced shows. Mostly because it’s hard to eat after falling asleep after five minutes of watching NBC’s prime time programming.

Joan Rivers is reportedly in a medically induced coma. Apparently she wanted to experience what it was like to watch one of her red carpet fashion shows.

A study says that ordinary memories are more memorable than peak experiences. Mostly because the more special memories are all forgotten because they usually happen as a result of heavy drinking.

Queen Elizabeth II says she finds cellphone pictures “troubling.” We can only hope and pray that doesn’t mean that hackers are about to release her nude pictures online.

Charlize Theron says she doesn’t have a perfect body. To which most men say they would be more than happy to go over it with a with a microscope to see if she is even close to possibly telling the truth.

MAC cosmetics will launch a “Rocky Horror Picture Show” collection. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Lady Gaga.

A 103 year old sprinter says he wants to race against Usain Bolt. The challenge was accepted and the 103 year old will start next week and Bolt will give him a head start to 105.

Nude pictures of Kate Upton were reportedly hacked and displayed online. Which would really be a big deal if anyone had ever seen any pictures of Kate Upton where she was actually wearing some clothes.

A study at MIT says that workers prefer taking orders from robots over those coming from other humans. Which is more good news for the teaching staff at MIT.

Archaeologists have uncovered the remains of an 18th century brewery at the College of William and Mary. Which pretty much proves what William was doing while Mary was in class.

Archaeologists have uncovered the remains of an 18th century brewery at the College of William and Mary. Apparently the brewery went out of business because it lost all its business the year that Yale opened its doors.

Cave carvings in Europe may be the first known example of Neanderthal rock art. The crude drawings are reportedly very similar to the story boards to “Rambo.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I have nothing to add. Which is really sad because I haven’t had a whole lot to contribute up to this point. At least I am supplying all of you with something to do when you could have instead used the time to be productive or accomplishing a project. You are welcome. And all I ever ask in return is that you occasionally remember to send the love!


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