Sunday, September 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that one in four Americans between 25 and 54 are not working. What’s worse is the ones under 25 are either too young or still in school and no one will hire anyone who is over 54.

Chef Emeril Lagasse says that President Obama’s policies may drive him broke. Apparently the anti-gun legislation has even prevented him from saying “Bam!” out loud anymore.

Chef Emeril Lagasse says that President Obama’s policies may drive him broke. To which TV critics say it was just lucky that his 2000 sitcom “Emeril” didn’t bankrupt NBC.

A New York City mailman is being accused of hoarding 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail. Or as the Post Office calls 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail, “Tuesday.”

A new system scans a person’s tears as passwords. Which is ironic in that the number one reason most people start crying is because they can’t remember their online passwords.

European airlines will start allowing passengers to leave their phones on and to make cellphone calls during flights. Hopefully the service will be allowed in the U.S. where it is really needed, especially for people flying on United who need to call to make alternate plans after all their flights have been canceled.

A water main break shut down Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood last week. However, all of Hollywood could be completely submerged and it still wouldn’t be as big an aquatic disaster for the city as “Waterworld.”

A water main break shut down Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood last week. The really bad news is that the water level got high enough to make Sunset Boulevard the third biggest body of water in the entire state of California.

Scientists in Rochester, New York unveiled an “invisibility cloak.” The only question is, how do you go about unveiling something that isn’t there?

Scientists in Rochester, New York unveiled an “invisibility cloak.” Although if they really wanted to make something vanish, they would have instead held a screening of an Adam Sandler movie and watched the audience completely disappear.

Chelsea Clinton became a mom, giving birth to a daughter named Charlotte. Grandfather Bill has already volunteered for unlimited babysitting, as there is nothing that attracts hot women more than when they see a baby being pushed around in a stroller.

A new service allows parents to use their computers to order customized lunches for their kids at school. The only problem is that the parents who are that lazy to order lunch online are the same ones who don’t know their kids haven’t shown up for school for the past three weeks.

A candidate for Navajo Nation President could be disqualified because he speaks English, but isn’t fluent in Navajo. That means speaking too much English could hurt his career. Where does the Navajo Tribe think they are, California?

An airport worker in Illinois set fire to a control panel that disrupted flights at O’Hare and Midway airports. Fortunately, United passengers weren’t too upset about landing a few hours later since they were coming in on flights that were scheduled to arrive back in July.

An airport worker in Illinois set fire to a control panel that disrupted flights at O’Hare and Midway airports. The only question is who even noticed?

A panel has approved four bond deals totaling $1.1 Billion to get Detroit out of bankruptcy. Which has been determined to be just slightly more of a risk than loaning $500 to your deadbeat cousin who has an addiction to crack.

A panel has approved four bond deals totaling $1.1 Billion to get Detroit out of bankruptcy. Which will give them about a week before Detroit goes back into bankruptcy and they have to figure out their next idea.

A poll says that U.S. investor optimism is at the highest in seven years. That’s because this is the first time since 2007 that Americans have been able to pay off their debts and actually have a little money left to invest.

TGI Friday’s us selling off most of its 247 company owned stores to get out of the business of running restaurants. After which the company will change its name to "TG We Finally Managed To Unload Those Money Pits."

Coca-Cola sales rose for the first time in ten years with their promotion featuring personalized bottles with random names. Their next move will be to offer bottles with the names of the nearest dentists to help Coke drinkers save the teeth they still have left.

Comcast has named a new head of customer service. They will start just as soon as Comcast can print the personalized business cards that feature an extended middle finger.

Comcast has named a new head of customer service. They will take over for the previous department head who left back in 1963.

Comcast has named a new head of customer service. Not to say they have a bad reputation with customers, but even Roger Goodell is saying “About time!”

A business professor at Harvard is putting together a case study of Beyonce, who earned $115 Million last year. The study will reveal that she now has enough money to pay for tuition for a Bachelor’s degree for her daughter at Harvard.

Chicago has issued a demolition permit for the Wrigley Field bleachers as part of a renovation plan. As opposed to the Cubs, who instead can be counted on to self-implode sometime between April and June.

A report says that wage theft costs low income workers billions of dollars. Which pays for all the highly paid executives who keep coming up with new ways to steal their workers’ wages.

A study says that 90% of Millennials always have their cellphones with them. The other 10% are the ones who are actually brave enough to make eye contact or have a conversation with another human.

A report says that life insurance companies could use information from health monitoring apps to determine insurance rates. For instance, if the app can’t acquire any information because the cellphone has been lost in between the person’s rolls of fat, they may not qualify for a discount.

A report says that life insurance companies could use information from health monitoring apps to determine insurance rates. Although the insurance companies would rather have the app rat out people who are texting while driving so they can drop them right then.

A study says that taking nature walks with others may help fight depression. Except when the person realizes they are so old they actually want to go on nature walks with others.

A study says that therapy is better than antidepressants for social anxiety. Although they will need the antidepressants again once they get the bill from their therapist.

A study says that giving in to cravings for junk food is associated with a lapse in the area of the brain that governs self restraint. Which is just another way of saying you have no willpower or self control.

A study says that a blood test may be able to identify people at risk for psychosis. For one thing, you will find out really fast if they have some sort of fear of needles.

A study says that eating dairy may lower the risk of obesity and diabetes. If that is true, why do you never see any skinny people coming out any Baskin-Robbins?

A British woman set a world’s record by completing 53 marathons in 53 days. The 1,389 miles she covered was the longest distance ever run in Europe other than someone in a French army uniform waving a white flag.

The FDA is cracking down on male enhancement drugs, calling them “dangerous.” But only if your wife discovers them where they are hidden in your car’s glove compartment.

The Yankees say they have contacted Alex Rodriguez about mapping out a plan for his return to the team in 2015. Even Donald Trump is asking why Rodriguez has’t been fired yet.

The Yankees say they have contacted Alex Rodriguez about mapping out a plan for his return to the team in 2015. There is still some bad blood between A-Rod and the Yankees. Specifically the blood that was left around all the areas where he was being injected with steroids.

The video board at the University of Massachusetts football stadium fell over during a game Saturday. The worst part is that there was no way to show the fans the replay of the board falling over.

A players’ union executive says he sees problems trying to place an NFL team in Europe. Mostly with having to explain to the players that they have no choice but to eat the British food that keeps showing up on the training table.

A players’ union executive says he sees problems trying to place an NFL team in Europe. Just until they find out which country they can base the team in that has the most lax laws concerning domestic violence and child abuse.

New York Yankees manager Joe Grimaldi criticized his team, saying they were “overweight” and “not hungry.” His bashing would probably have a lot more impact on the team if he would just make up his mind.

A group trying to save wild ponies in England are suggesting it might actually help their cause if people would eat them. Which means the whole thing could be worked out if they could just get IKEA to open a store in the area.

An activist investor is urging Yahoo to merge with AOL. That probably wouldn’t be the case if the investor would get market information that is from a more recent source than the 1997 updates just arriving on their Internet connection with AOL.

GoPro has devised a harness that allows people to attach a remote video camera to their dogs. Which would make for a gruesome family viewing of the video of the final car tire the dog decided it could catch.

MIT has developed a robot that can reportedly look for drugs underwater. Until now the only way to really find drugs underwater was by stepping on the discarded syringes all along the Jersey Shore.

Yahoo is shutting down its Internet Directory which used to be the center of its dynasty. Apparently they decided to close it down when none of the searches for relevant websites ever pulled up “Yahoo.”

Yahoo is shutting down its Internet Directory which used to be the center of its dynasty. Mostly because no one ever used it anymore because there weren’t any website searches available under the heading of “porn.”

Congress has stalled legislation intended to fix the financial problems at the Post Office. What could be a better idea than to have a $5 Billion debt worked on by a group that has run the country $17 Trillion in the red?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The U.S. lost the Ryder Cup to Europe over the weekend with Tiger Woods out of the competition. Those TV ratings are going to be about the same as showing a Lakers game without Kobe Bryant. To which Kobe would say, “There are other people on the Lakers?” Golf just isn’t a team sport. If it were, half the companies that supply private jets would be out of business. However, you are all on my team, and I always consider it a victory when you remember to send the love!

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