Thursday, September 25, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A grandmother in England can’t stop swearing following a stroke. Which usually happens only in the U.S. when people have a stroke and can’t get to see a doctor because they don’t have any health insurance.

A study says that 10% of U.S. adults are not proficient in English. The study says most of them folk ain’t from here or just never learnt to talk it real good.

A study says that 10% of U.S. adults are not proficient in English. The other 90% couldn’t take part in the study because they had no idea what “proficient” means.

A Manhattan condo will be listed for $130 Million. The value was enhanced because of a large view of New York City that somehow doesn’t include any signs that say “Trump.”

A report says that a Twitter plot to silence Rush Limbaugh is small, organized and deceptive. Pretty much like Limbaugh’s thought process.

A Vietnamese airline is being slammed for having its flight attendants wear lingerie. Although there probably wouldn’t have been as many complaints if some of the flight attendants were women.

A Vietnamese airline is being slammed for having its flight attendants wear lingerie. Apparently it wasn’t intentional, it’s just that the airline started charging its flight attendants a uniform fee.

PETA is urging that a prisoner in Indiana who is being charged with murdering and eating parts of his girlfriend be fed a vegan diet. The bad part is that he killed her because she kept insisting he eat all his vegetables.

Seattle has passed a law fining restaurants that throw out too much food. The only question is whether or not Taco Bell will be penalized when it is the customers who are throwing out all the food.

A report says new details reveal the failures of security in the White House fence jumping case. What more details do they need other than a man jumped the White House fence and ran all the way across the lawn and actually got inside the front doors before anyone even noticed?

A study says that people who check their work e-mails at home face health risks. Especially when their wife intercepts some of the e-mails they are sending back and forth with their secretary.

Secret GOP records reveal corporate donors paying for access to governors. Political experts were confused. Since when has paying for influence been a secret?

The Education Department says that student loan defaults dropped for the first time in years. Mostly because students who graduated in the 1970s have finally been able to actually stay employed long enough to pay off their debt.

A British family is celebrating the birth of the first baby girl in more than 100 years. The only bad part is that she will be getting hand me down jeans, t-shirts and Hush Puppy shoes until she is 20.

British Airways is offering airplane crash survival courses for $265. Or people can just spend the same amount of money and experience it firsthand by booking a flight on United.

A Mexican fisherman was rescued after spending a week adrift at sea. He says he was so desperate he almost agreed at one point to be picked up by a passing Carnival Cruise ship.

A customer stopped a cash register thief at a Florida Walgreen’s by body slamming her to the ground. The robber was not happy, saying the least her captor could have done was throw her down a little closer to the pain relief aisle.

High school students in Colorado walked out of class to protest a conservative school board proposal to focus history education to promote citizenship, patriotism and respect for authority. The board says one more thing added to history will be those students’ chances at graduating high school.

High school students in Colorado walked out of class to protest a conservative school board proposal to focus history education to promote citizenship, patriotism and respect for authority. In other words, how not to behave like a high school student.

President Obama is calling for world leaders to fight against violent extremism. To which the rest of the world is telling Obama how about starting with Congress?

Google has cut its ties with the conservative group ALEC because of their skepticism  of climate change. Apparently Google just found out about ALEC’s beliefs because no one at the company actually ever bothered to google them.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” has been indicted for tax fraud. Apparently it stemmed from his filing a tax form that listed his occupation as “actor.”

A poll says that faith in the American dream has dropped 11% in the past two years. People were shocked. Who would have thought that up to a couple of years ago there were still 11% of people who believed in the American dream?

A poll says that faith in the American dream has dropped 11% in the past two years. Which pretty much is the same percentage of people who saw the homes they bought as their part of the American dream go into foreclosure.

A report says the Home Depot data breach was worse than that of Target. Although it’s not that big of a deal in that any credit card information taken from Home Depot is at least eight years old from when people still actually had a home to try to improve.

A poll says that one in five U.S. workers say they were laid off in the last five years. The other four were laid off some time right before that.

A study says that natural gas won’t save the world from global warming. Unless the people use natural gas to heat the cave they have given up their house, car and modern way of life to move into.

The Postal Service is seeking to extend their grocery delivery service. The only problem is all the complaints from customers who ordered milk but received cottage cheese four weeks later.

The Postal Service is seeking to extend their grocery delivery service. The problem is when customers see the postmark on their deliveries is two years older than the expiration date.

The Postal Service is seeking to extend their grocery delivery service. Although customers are getting tired of ordering frozen food which is delivered completely melted three weeks later, and the Post Office excuse is always “global warming.”

GM has hired its first cybersecurity chief to protect the computers that run GM cars. The company wants to make sure no one hacks into the computers to keep them from getting updates on when they are supposed to report to the shop for the latest recalls.

The Treasury Department has approved what some people are calling excessive pay raises for GM executives. Apparently the Treasury wants to reward the executives for not driving the company into bankruptcy like they did the first time that forced the Treasury to take control of GM.

The FDA is cracking down on unproven cures for Ebola. However, they did manage to approve two new products touting male enhancement, weight loss and hair restoration.

Apple has pulled its update of the iOS 8 iPhone operating system because of dropped cellphone calls. Apparently the dropped calls became so common, some iPhone owners thought they accidentally switched over to AT&T.

The HHS says Obamacare coverage is reducing hospitals’ unpaid bills. Mostly because the hospitals can’t figure out who even has coverage under the plan so it is taking them months to figure out where to send the bills and figure out who is going to pay them.

A UK group declared “Go home on time” day this week in an attempt to get people to spend less time at work and more time with their family. To which workers are saying going through that once a year at Thanksgiving is already more than they can handle.

A UK group declared “Go home on time” day this week in an attempt to get people to spend less time at work and more time with their family. To which their bosses are saying going home on time pretty much means going home permanently.

Researchers say former Brazilian soccer star Bellini, who recently died at age 83 suffered from a degenerative brain disorder. It’s called being 83. 

Researchers say former Brazilian soccer star Bellini, who recently died at age 83 suffered from a degenerative brain disorder. They say it resulted from physical contact with other players, hitting the ball with the head and having to listen to fans blowing vuvuzelas all through every game.

A study says that athletes are more prone to dental problems. Although the one sport that has pretty much taken care of any potential problems with oral hygiene issues is ice hockey.

A study says the earlier a person’s first drink, the higher the risk of developing a drinking problem. In other words, if you remember drinking your first beer through a sippy cup you might be a strong candidate for seeking out some help.

A study says the earlier a person’s first drink, the higher the risk of developing a drinking problem. Which is bad news for Britney Spears’ kids who probably got their first taste of alcohol while they were breast feeding during happy hour.

A study says that stem cells from tonsils may be able to help repair damaged livers without surgery. The only question is how hard do you have to swallow to try to make that work?

A restaurant owner in China reportedly served noodles laced with opium to hook his customers. He could have gotten the same result, at least for his women customers if he had instead just used chocolate.

A restaurant owner in China reportedly served noodles laced with opium to hook his customers. The only problem is that they all kept coming down from the high and wanting to get stoned again an hour later.

A study says that expensive meals taste better. Which is true, but only if someone else is picking up the tab.

A study says that expensive meals taste better. Which could possibly have something to with why they cost more.

A study says that “senior moments” may be an early sign of dementia. Like forgetting where you put the car keys, only to find them later and then wonder what you did with the car.

Lena Dunham has come out with advice videos on how to have better sex. The first thing is to make sure you don’t get into bed with someone who looks like Lena Dunham.

London scientists say they found three new species of mushrooms in a supermarket. The worst part is that they were growing out of a haggis.

A report says that 43% of companies suffered a data breach last year. The other 57% didn’t do enough business to make it worthwhile for any hackers to try to steal any customer information.

Scientists say they have discovered water on a planet 124 light years from Earth. Or as Californians call that, closer than anything else they have going that might end the drought.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the jokes. We are still a few shy of the 7 Billion daily readers I set for my goal. Perhaps if I translated some of the jokes into different languages. Or made some of them funny. I’ll have to work on that. In the meantime, you can help out by spreading the word to your friends, co-workers and strangers you meet in online chat rooms. And of course, it is always a good thing to remember to send the love!

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