Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An app has been designed to track Ebola using Twitter. Apparently it searches out any use of “#theyalldead.”

The CDC says that Ebola could affect 1.4 Million people by January. If the number reaches that high it would take back the disease spreading record set four years ago by Paris Hilton.

A report says that spending on art might exceed $2 Billion for the first time this year. Investors feel more safe investing in art because they remember buying dotcom stocks back in the ‘90s and all those certificates are good for now is to also hang on the wall.

London has overtaken Hong Kong as the world’s most expensive city. Just think how much more exorbitant it would be to live there if they had to figure in the cost of toothpaste, floss and dental exams.

Billionaire Richard Branson is pushing for unlimited vacation time for workers. We already have that here. Instead of laying people off, companies are now just calling it “extended unpaid vacation.”

Billionaire Richard Branson is pushing for unlimited vacation time for workers. Apparently he got the idea after hanging around several members of Congress.

Dr. Dre was named hip-hop’s richest person, taking in $620 Million this year. Most of that was a payout from an insurance policy that he took out years ago betting that he would be the first rapper to make it past age 40.

A magazine article claims that when it comes to dating for women, 30 is the new 50. Except where Hugh Hefner is concerned, where 20 is the new 90.

Barry Manilow has released an album featuring duets with the deceased. People were surprised. Barry Manilow is still alive?

An article using notes from notorious cannibals says that human flesh is said to taste like veal or pork. Which pretty much proves the old saying that you are what you eat.

An article using notes from notorious cannibals says that human flesh is said to taste like veal or pork. Which shows that a vegetarian diet can help you live longer because no cannibal would ever want to eat someone and have the aftertaste of broccoli.

The White House says they will now lock the front door to help keep out intruders like the man who jumped the fence and made it all the way into the executive mansion last week. The Secret Service’s new strategy is, if all five layers of security fail there is always the deadbolt.

The White House says they will now lock the front door to help keep out intruders like the man who jumped the fence and made it all the way into the executive mansion last week. The man said he wanted to warn President Obama “the atmosphere is collapsing.” Instead he was able to get out the message that White House security is collapsing.

The White House says they will now lock the front door to help keep out intruders like the man who jumped the fence and made it all the way into the executive mansion last week. They also say they are waiting for a call back for an estimate from ADT.

A new artificial tongue is said to be more accurate than the finest wine critics. Developers it won’t be like a real wine critic until they can figure out how to program it be anywhere near as arrogant, pompous and pretentious.

U.S. soda makers are pledging to cut calories in their products 20% by 2025. It takes eleven years to figure out how to put in less sugar?

U.S. soda makers are pledging to cut calories in their products 20% by 2025. They plan to do it through education, marketing and packaging. Which basically means they will start selling us cans and bottles that are one fifth smaller for the same price.

A Wisconsin man has a medical condition that causes repeated orgasms. He claims he had nine during his father’s funeral. Which means the casket didn’t contain the only stiff at the services.

Jaguar says in two years it will have technology that will allow their cars to recognize its drivers, and even remind them of their anniversary. It’s important for a vehicle to remember its owners anniversary so they don’t lose the car along with the house and half of everything else in the resulting divorce.

The price of lemons is skyrocketing due to the prolonged California drought. Up until now, the only thing raising the price of lemons was the extra charges GM was having to pass along to buyers because of all their recalls.

Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law has been sentenced to life in prison. It doesn’t matter how much money someone has, there are times when you just have to turn down the offer to get involved in the family business.

Attorney General Eric Holder says the prison population has dropped for the first time in 34 years. Mostly because all the domestic violence offenders have been given early parole because they have found gainful employment with the NFL.

A former Vatican ambassador has been defrocked for sex abuse of young boys. Although he would have avoided all his troubles if he hadn’t become defrocked in the first place.

United Airlines says they are planning to cut back on their number of winter flights. Mostly because they are still waiting for half the planes to arrive that took off during the spring.

A new messaging app will allow people to hear their texts in the form of a spoken word. Which means the app will be able to yell “Look out!” right before someone drives their car into a tree while texting.

A San Diego philanthropist wants to buy a local newspaper and run it as a nonprofit business. Or as nonprofit newspapers have been known since 1996, “newspapers.”

Officials in China are concerned that 400 Million Chinese can’t speak Mandarin. It’s only a concern for any Chinese who want to move to L.A. because anyone there who can’t order in Mandarin is at risk of starving to death.

A proposal in L.A. would use wind power to light thousands of homes. The only question is how to harness the non-stop wind generated by the constant rantings of Kanye West.

Solar City is starting a solar panel factory in Buffalo. They hope to have the first panels done by July 4th, which will be their testing day since it is the only day all year that Buffalo actually sees any sunshine.

Solar City is starting a solar panel factory in Buffalo. A solar panel factory in Buffalo? That’s like building a hydroelectric plant in Yuma.

IKEA is planning to sell solar panels in its stores. The trick will be figuring out how to put them together before the Sun burns itself out.

Business groups are lashing out at the government’s crackdown on businesses leaving the country for tax purposes. Businesses are concerned that if the government wants to enforce paying taxes on corporations, it’s only a matter of time before they try to get some tax money from millionaires and billionaires.

Jack Ma, CEO of Alibaba says he was happy making $20 a month. Alibaba is being compared to Amazon.com which means that all of his workers will get the same chance to try to be happy on $20 a month.

Cadillac is moving its headquarters from Detroit to New York City. Apparently company officials thought it would look better to move somewhere they could take pictures of their cars they leave outside before they end up on blocks.

The FDA is warning doctors to beware of fake drug distributors. The last thing they want is for patients to get counterfeit drugs for the unnecessary prescriptions their doctors are writing for them.

A study says that climate change is already a health risk, causing heat stroke, other heat-related illnesses and cardiac arrest. Mostly with Republicans who can’t take the stress of admitting Al Gore may be right.

A study says that 70% of people suffer emotional or social problems after being the victim of a violent crime. Like the issue of unemployment and loss of a $45 Million a year salary for Roger Goodell following the Ray Rice domestic beating.

A study says that 70% of people suffer emotional or social problems after being the victim of a violent crime. It’s old hat to the other 30% who are the ones who have been through an IRS audit.

A woman who had 29 heart attacks in 24 hours has recovered and is now training for a fitness competition. No one even knew that Larry King had a sister.

Doctors in China have removed a chopstick from the brain of a two year old. Apparently he misunderstood when someone told him that fish and rice were brain food.

Doctors in China have removed a chopstick from the brain of a two year old. The only time utensils are removed from body parts in the U.S. is when someone gets a fork in their hand while trying to take a piece of chocolate cake off their wife’s plate.

Bruce Springsteen has turned 65. He used to sing “Born To Run” but has since changed the lyrics to “Born To Walk Down To The Corner To Get Some More Mueslix.”

Bruce Springsteen has turned 65. He used to sing about “The E Street Shuffle” but has had to change the lyrics to “The Three A.M. Shuffle Down The Hall Because I Have To Pee.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named a tourist ambassador for Madrid. Schwarzenegger loves Spain since the economy is so bad that it is easy to find all kind of willing applicants to sign on as domestic housekeepers.

Bob Dylan will be honored in a ceremony two days before the Grammys. Awards show officials need the extra time so they can translate what he says and provide subtitles so they can play it for the awards show audience.

Paula Deen has given her first interview since being fired from her cooking show for making racial slurs. She went on the “Today” show because she knew the hosts there would give her easy questions to butter her up.

A report says the woman who claims to have had a third breast implanted in her chest is a fake. No one believed it in the first place. Most people figured a third fake breast out of silicon was probably more like a silly con.

A report says the woman who claims to have had a third breast implanted in her chest is a fake. No one really believed it mostly because Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon retired long ago.

Roger Goodell met with eleven former NFL players to discuss the league’s conduct policy. Although they are probably also there to give him some advice about how to spend his time once he is no longer employed by the league.

The White House says that the Obamacare website will be overhauled to make it easier to use. Perhaps they have finally heard something about there being some difficulties with the site awhile ago.

The White House says that the Obamacare website will be overhauled to make it easier to use. Which is almost what critics were calling for earlier in the year. Only that was to haul it over a cliff.

The White House says that the Obamacare website will be overhauled to make it easier to use. Which is pretty much like taking a patient who needs a heart transplant and giving them a facelift.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now officially autumn. As a professional meteorologist I know these things. People are asking if it is going to be a bad winter. My official answer is, that depends on whether you live in Florida or Minnesota. It’s always a good winter when it’s so cold outside that people have much more time on their hands to sit at their computer and remember to send the love!

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