Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that billionaires are hoarding an average of $600 Million in cash each out of fear of investing in the market. Plus it takes at least that much to stuff all the mattresses around the house with $100 bills that their families can only feel comfortable sleeping on.

Germany is asking its soldiers to volunteer to go to Africa to fight Ebola. The Germans remember how easy it was to claim victory in Africa in World War II. Of course it was a lot easier as then they were only taking on the French army.

The CDC is telling airlines to treat all bodily fluids as though they are infectious. Pretty much like their passengers treat all airline food.

Facebook reality headsets are reportedly near release. The headsets will make it look like you can reach right out and taste all the meals your friends are posting pictures of on your Facebook page.

The immigrant population of Georgia has now reached more than 1 Million. Of course, in Georgia foreigners are considered anyone coming in from west of the Mississippi and north of the Mason-Dixon line.

A survey says that McKinney, Texas is the best place to live in the U.S. Of course, the survey may have been a little skewed as it asked if people would rather live in McKinney, New Jersey or Alabama.

A Florida woman had plastic surgery to add a third breast. To which the Octomom says she wishes she had thought of that back when she had eight babies nursing.

A Florida woman had plastic surgery to add a third breast. Which is something most people were hoping that is one secret Victoria kept to herself.

A survey says the Department of Homeland Security has terrible morale problems. Which means at least they now know how airline passengers feel after going through their airport security stations.

A survey says the Department of Homeland Security has terrible morale problems. Although after anyone has ever dealt with the DHS and their heavy handed tactics, they thought it said they have terrible morals problems.

Two American Airlines planes had to make emergency landings in Dallas minutes apart from each other after inflight mechanical problems. Although some passengers suspect it was just a way for American to actually be able to claim they had a couple of flights land ahead of schedule.

A Los Angeles spec home is on the market for $85 Million. Usually any speculation on a house in California is how long it will take before the owner goes into foreclosure.

Wesleyen University in Connecticut says its fraternities must accept women as members. To which current frat members are happy about, saying they could really use someone to clean up the place and fetch them some beers.

Wesleyen University in Connecticut says its fraternities must accept women as members. So far the only applicants are women who are using it as a way to do research in their fields of zoology, criminology and abnormal psychology.

A poll says that half of all Americans say that churches should express their views on political issues. The other half apparently already think we have too much of that just with Mike Huckabee, Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton.

The Rockefellers oil dynasty is set to divest its charity foundation from fossil fuels. Now the only fossils the charity is associated with is the Rockefeller family.

Afghanistan’s new president is vowing to build a strong government. He wants to bring the country together to fight their battle against illegal immigration. Although the only people crossing their border seem to be wearing the military uniforms of other countries.

Data says there are a record number of public school students who are homeless. Although some kids may be making it up so their teacher can’t give them a note and tell them they have to take it home.

Lufthansa Airlines of Germany is offering airline meals that can be delivered to people’s homes. To complete the airline experience, the meal should be eaten in a chair that is no more than 24 inches wide along with a crying baby that screams through each course.

A company is offering wealthy travelers social media assistants to go with them on vacations. It’s for people who would rather enjoy their meal while someone else takes pictures of it to post on Facebook.

A company is offering wealthy travelers social media assistants to go with them on vacations. If you thought looking at vacation selfies was annoying, how bad is it to look at those from people who are so lazy they need to hire someone else to take them?

Apple sold more than 10 Million new iPhone 6 models over the weekend. Those people are hoping to get their phones set up to use before they have to get back in line when the iPhone 7 comes out.

Ferrari has recalled cars that have a faulty latch release inside the trunk. Although anyone who is dumb enough to get locked in their own trunk should not be allowed to be driving around a Ferrari in the first place.

Krispy Kreme in the UK has designed a box that holds 2,400 doughnuts. It means police will be able to be involved in standoffs that can last up to a week without having to leave the scene.

Krispy Kreme in the UK has designed a box that holds 2,400 doughnuts. That’s a great idea for employers. If someone would just come up with a pool sized container of Starbucks, people wouldn’t leave their desk for months at a time.

RadioShack is in talks with a vendor to avoid going into bankruptcy. Retail experts were impressed. How has RadioShack stayed out of bankruptcy this long?

Airline profits were up 64% in the second quarter, with baggage fees bringing in $900 Million. Especially for the airlines who are not only charging a fee for any luggage, but an additional charge to find it and send it to the right place.

A survey says that 20% of people who were laid off can’t find a job. The other 80% just gave up looking about three years ago.

New apps let homeowners complete projects faster and easier. Although technology to help people get things done around the house has always been around. It’s called turning off your cellphone.

Experts say that Joan Rivers was an example of the ”VIP Syndrome” at hospitals where celebrities get special treatment. If what happened to Rivers is called special treatment, maybe celebrities should check in under a different name.

Experts say that Joan Rivers was an example of the ”VIP Syndrome” at hospitals where celebrities get special treatment. Usually the VIP Syndrome just refers to people who are actually allowed into the hospital because they have medical insurance.

A Swedish man was acquitted of rape because of his defense he suffers “sexomnia” and was asleep through the act. Fortunately for him he apparently found a jury that slept through the trial.

A study says that people can maximize their productivity by working 52 minutes then taking a 17 minute break. Which already happens at banks, with the 17 minute break taken by the teller right when you get to their window.

A study says that people can maximize their productivity by working 52 minutes then taking a 17 minute break. Especially at the GM factories where the 17 minute break allows someone else to come in and fix what the workers did wrong the previous 52 minutes.

A study says that people who stay physically active into old age have improved brain health. Which is fine because the ones who are not physically active never have to try to remember how to get back home in the middle of a walk.

A study says that e-cigarettes are no help in getting cancer patients to quit smoking. Mostly because anyone is pretty much beyond help who doesn’t figure getting cancer might be a pretty good reason to stop lighting up.

A study says that a healthy lifestyle can prevent four out of five heart attacks. The other one is a result of being stressed out about living a healthy lifestyle while everyone else is out having fun.

A study says that parents are using online ratings to pick their kids’ pediatricians. Although people are being discouraged from using the new pediatric ratings system offered on Yelp.

Researchers say that more Americans are buying cheaper generic drugs. The only problem is that generic painkillers only help people who are suffering from general soreness.

Researchers say that more Americans are buying cheaper generic drugs. The worst part is when a patent expires which allows a drug to go generic, the pharmaceutical companies start copyrighting the illness.

A prominent bioethicist says because of the drop in quality of life as a senior, he hopes to die at age 75. He picked that age because that is when he figures he may finally be done paying off his medical school loans.

A prominent bioethicist says because of the drop in quality of life as a senior, he hopes to die at age 75. Or as they call anyone who comes in for treatment at an HMO who has lived to 75, “Methuselah.”

Miss America Kira Kazantsev was reportedly kicked out of her college sorority for hazing. No one knew where she got the idea to torture pledges by making them diet to near starvation, put duct take on their bodies to hide imperfections and answer lame questions from a panel of pseudo celebrity judges.

Clay Aiken says that celebrity nude photo hacking victims “deserve what they get.” Aiken was able to avoid such scandals by never making it to celebrity status in the first place.

Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from her husband Bruce. Apparently she didn’t mind him getting into her mascara and concealer, but she really went through the roof when she found out he was the one stretching out all her Spanx.

Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from her husband Bruce. The divorce is said to be amicable but could get nasty when it comes to deciding which one has to end up with custody of Kanye West.

A study says that some dogs are pessimists. How can you not be optimistic when you sleep all day, have an entire family there to feed you constantly and only have to protect the house from that guy that keeps putting stuff in the letter box?

A study says that some dogs are pessimists. Those are the ones who keep thinking that their owner must be thinking of putting them down because they always insist that they play “dead.”

A poll says that 71% of 16 to 24 year olds want wearable technology. Mostly because they know it’s the best way to never have to worry about losing the devices they spend with their eyes glued to 23 hours a day.

Alibaba is offering a platinum coated, diamond encrusted iPhone 6 for $2 Million. Which is only seven dollars more than what pre-ordered regular iPhone 6 models were going for on eBay two weeks ago.

The U.S. is reportedly cracking down on companies that are moving overseas. Apparently we have decided to draw the line at other countries just taking all the jobs those companies used to have here.

A study says that student loan debt has curbed the housing market by $83 Billion. Meaning people are so much in debt because of college all they can afford to do is sleep out on the curb.

A study says that student loan debt has curbed the housing market by $83 Billion. Who would have thought that having a wall to hang a college diploma on would be ten times as hard to get as the degree?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers lost in 13 innings last night to the dreaded Giants. We need to win the last two games of the series to make sure we win the division and keep the Giants out of the playoffs. So this once it will be OK to forget about sending the love and go out and buy a Voodoo doll with a Giants uniform along with several pins that say “Losers!”

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