Sunday, September 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Agents would have been faster to apprehend the suspect but were busy patting down and strip searching a group of kindergartners and senior citizens who were touring the White House on a field trip.

The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Agents are still trying to figure out how Joe Biden was able to get away from his handlers in the first place.

The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Which proves people wrong who say the only way to get into the White House is to sell your soul to billionaire campaign donors.

A poll says that one in four Americans is open to seceding from the U.S. Ironically, most of them are from states that are the most concerned about people from the outside trying to make it into the U.S.

Billionaire Peter Thiel, founder of Pay Pal is putting money into technology to extend human life, saying he is on a mission to cheat death. As opposed to other billionaires who are on a mission to cheat their partners, investors and the IRS.

Security has been stepped up at the Vatican over fear of a terrorist attack against the Pope. The last thing they want is for the Pope wonder what is hiding around every corner. That sort of fear is still just reserved for altar boys.

American Airlines is introducing flights from New York to Los Angeles for $8,000 that include meals with shrimp scampi, vented compartments and privacy. Which isn’t that bad when you consider the price is about the same amount of fees travelers pay in economy for their luggage, an aisle seat and a blanket.

The Tesla Model S remembers pothole locations and adjusts to avoid them. Which means it is virtually impossible to steer the car anywhere into New York City during the winter months.

Scotland voted against independence from the UK by a 55% to 45% margin. Apparently the reason for the overwhelming vote was the Scots just don’t like to drink alone.

The new Apple iPhone 6 went on sale last week, and people traveled as far as from Brazil to Australia to buy one. The worst part for them was turning on the phone when they got back home and have to listen to Siri say “Loser!”

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. It would have been $15 Million but they decided to stick him with a drop off charge.

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. Which means the difference between CEOs and other employees is we get fired and they get divorced.

A startup company is partnering with a beer brewery to quickly detect taste spoiling bacteria. Coors has already gotten around that problem by never offering a beer that actually has any taste.

Gatorade is saying goodbye to retiring Yankee Derek Jeter with a 90 second tribute advertisement. Although you know you are only really special when someone dumps a bucket of the sports drink on your head.

An appeals court has rejected a $1 Million lawyers’ fee for a class action suit against RadioShack that awarded plaintiffs $830,000 in merchandise coupons. The court’s decision was based on the fact that RadioShack doesn’t have $830,000 in merchandise left in its stores.

The NBA has its first official partnership for headphones. The league picked the Harman headphones because they are so sensitive they can still hear the racial slurs out of a Donald Sterling conversation even when he is whispering.

L.A. sanitation workers were disciplined for an on the job demonstration. Workers were told if they didn’t get back to work management was going to take out the trash.

L.A. sanitation workers were disciplined for an on the job demonstration. Workers know they can’t be fired because without them the city would be buried under a pile of millions of discarded Perrier bottles.

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been sold for $700 Million. When anyone asks if it is good beer, the answer is that it got someone drunk enough to buy Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $700 Million.

A survey says that the Chinese feel trade is a good thing while Americans are less convinced. Mostly because we keep trading for all the cheap crap that the Chinese are selling to us in our stores.

A survey says that the Chinese feel trade is a good thing while Americans are less convinced. Mostly because the trades between us are for the cheap goods the Chinese make in exchange for the jobs we used to have.

A survey says that 37% of people in a relationship are hiding money from their partners. The other 63% are men who are more interested in hiding their Facebook password from their wives which could cost them half of everything they own.

A survey says that 37% of people in a relationship are hiding money from their partners. The other 63% haven’t had any money to hide since they lost their job back in 2007.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. That and the fact that most people are still too poor from the recession to be able to afford to buy a razor.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. Mostly because most young adults are spending so much time playing the game they don’t have any time left for shaving.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. They know it won’t officially be over as long as iTunes sales are still strong for ZZ Top.

Estimates are that the world’s population will reach 11 Billion by 2100. That number was a result of the exponential increase once the Octomom’s kids reach their child bearing years.

Bayer says it plans to spin off its plastics company to focus on health care products. Which are mostly needed for the people who have gotten ill from the environmental pollution from Bayer’s plastics company.

China has fined pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline $485 Million for bribing doctors and hospitals. The money will go to the Chinese government bureaucrats who feel they should have been included in the payoffs.

Some fitness centers around the country are offering high altitude training by siphoning some of the oxygen from the exercise rooms. Or there are the low budget gyms which get the same effect by making you work out next to Kirstie Alley while she is on the treadmill.

A study says that less than one quarter of adults 45 or older meet muscle strength recommendations. Although if the study only measured thumb muscles, thanks to texting we would be the strongest nation on the planet.

Researchers say that deaths under 70 could fall 40% over the next 20 years. Mostly because that we are so fat and out of shape that there won’t be anyone over age 70 by then to compare it with.

Dr. Guinter Kahn, the man who invented Rogaine has died in Miami. He was 80. Although his hairline was only 37.

Dr. Guinter Kahn, the man who invented Rogaine has died in Miami at age 80. Ironically, he saved millions of men’s hair with his work in Colorado but made it to Florida as a transplant.

An analysis shows that conservative members of Congress appear more frequently on Sunday morning talk shows than liberals. Mostly because it fits in with their schedule better as the shows are on the way to their country club where they have their Sunday morning tee times.

An analysis shows that conservative members of Congress appear more frequently on Sunday morning talk shows than liberals. Mostly because it fits in with their scheduling. It’s not like the liberals have to get up early to do anything on Sunday like go to church.

Lady Gaga says she “cracked” after working non-stop for six years. Which is different from the millions of Americans who have cracked after not being able to find any work for the past six years.

Honey Boo Boo’s parents say they are separating, with her mom saying she may move closer to relatives once the latest season of shooting ends. People were surprised. “Honey Boo Boo” is still on the air?

Lady Gaga says she is happy and sober. In fact she was so drunk that she started calling herself Lady Gaga because that’s what came out when she actually was trying to say her real name Stefani Germanotta.

Former NBA guard Rex Chapman is accused of shoplifting $14,000 of merchandise from an Apple store. Which pretty much amounts to an iPhone 6 and a carrying case.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston had his suspension extended through the entire game against Clemson. If he causes any more problems, university officials say next time they will take away his sports car, wardrobe allowance maybe even his boat.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston had his suspension extended through the entire game against Clemson for using vulgar language on campus. People were shocked. A quarterback was on campus for something other than practice?

The Pentagon has started a new program to retain its technological edge against foreign rivals. They are looking for the same innovations that led to the $600 hammer and $400 toilet seat.

The Ig Nobel prizes were given last week to honor trivial science projects. This year’s winners included a study of the friction between a banana peel, a shoe and the floor. The award was given to the research team of Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard.

A working electric car has been made using just a 3D printer. The only problem was having to remake half the parts that came out of the printer looking like the office intern’s rear end.

The FCC is questioning how to enforce any rules about Internet neutrality. Apparently they haven’t had time to really study the issue since they are still trying to figure out what to do about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction from ten years ago.

The FCC is questioning how to enforce any rules about Internet neutrality. Although it’s pretty obvious after watching “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo” that the FCC really quit trying to enforce anything years ago.

An estimated 300,000 people marched in New York City over the weekend to protest climate change. If those 300,000 people would just walk around New York City every day instead of clogging the streets with their cars, there wouldn’t be any climate change to protest in the first place.

The U.N. is using Twitter to monitor people’s mood on climate change. Mostly because tweets show that people around the world have already given up on the U.N.’s attempts at creating world peace.

 A snail that was thought to be extinct for the past 17 years was found on an atoll in the Indian Ocean. The snail was discovered about three feet from where it was last seen in 1997.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! September 22nd is the first day of autumn, or as we will soon know it because of climate change “It’s now safe to go outside without worrying about spontaneous combustion.” The good part about climate change is now that we will be forced to stay inside all day and find out about the outside world through the Internet, that will give everyone plenty of time to sit around and come up with new and inventive ways to send the love!

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