Friday, September 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pizza Hut is testing a new “skinny slice” pizza that has fewer calories by using less dough and skimping on the toppings. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Little Caesar’s.

The Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, the world’s oldest golf club at 260 years has voted to accept women members. That means they will drop the old requirements of membership in an exclusive golf club of either being Royal or ancient.

Chicago has dropped a plan to name a new school after President Obama. Apparently they don’t want their children to be inspired to use their education for dubious purposes, like getting into politics.

The Air Force has dropped the phrase “So help me God” from its oath of enlistment. Apparently they figure their pilots will get religious enough when they get into a dogfight with two enemy fighter jets at 30,000 feet.

Warner Brothers is expected to lay off 1,000 workers, about 10% of its workforce. The studio has cited huge losses from a legal settlement over workplace injuries suffered by plaintiff Wile E. Coyote.

Warner Brothers is expected to lay off 1,000 workers, about 10% of its workforce. Labor representatives are also complaining that jobs that used to be held by white middle aged men are now going to aliens. For example, a recent cartoon part that was supposed to go to Elmer Fudd was instead given to Marvin the Martian.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. Apparently the school doesn’t realize that many entering freshmen don’t even have a sex life which is why they enrolled in college in the first place.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. School officials don’t realize if they were going to school to have sex they would have enrolled at UNLV.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. Students who have no sex life at all usually enroll in a seminary college or at Caltech.

A study says that cities with super fast Internet speeds are more productive. For one thing, men aren’t spending half their time waiting while their porn site videos keep having to buffer.

A Wal-Mart in Mexico is being investigated for holding a cockfight inside the store. Authorities were alerted after employees complained about having to do the worst cleanup ever on aisle 5.

The Census says the marriage rate in the U.S. is at 50.3%, the lowest in 93 years. Mostly because that’s about the time Larry King settled down with wife number eight.

The Census says the marriage rate in the U.S. is at 50.3%, the lowest in 93 years. Mostly because the other 49.7% of the population just doesn’t consider themselves to be married, otherwise known as men.

Dating sites are being created that cater to people who smoke marijuana. The site comes with an app that includes a speed dial link to Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s for any last minute dating plans.

Dating sites are being created that cater to people who smoke marijuana. Those are the sites where all the profile pictures have red eyes and it isn’t because of the camera.

A study says that 10% of Americans go to work while they are high. The other 90% lost their jobs because they got stoned and forgot to go to work.

A study says that 10% of Americans go to work while they are high. That explains at least part of the reason it takes so long to get anything done at the DMV.

A survey says that only 36% of Americans can name all three branches of the government. The other 64% just know the parts of the government they personally come in contact with. Mainly the unemployment, disability and worker’s comp offices.

A plan is underway to bring a musical based on “American Psycho” to Broadway. No one even knew that Mel Gibson could sing.

Two skeletons were unearthed in England that had been holding hands while buried for 700 years. The last time two skeletons were seen holding hands was at a fashion show featuring lesbian supermodels.

NOAA  says the summer of 2014 was the hottest in world history. Even climate change deniers are saying they are giving up their fight, saying they just can’t take it anymore seeing Al Gore walking around without a shirt.

Larry Ellison is stepping down as CEO of Oracle. Apparently he waited until turning 70 to retire so he could get the maximum Social Security payments so he can afford to visit his private Hawaiian island once in awhile.

A report says that Dallas has the most new millionaires in the country. Which is mostly just a result of people who move there from the west coast and no longer have to pay California state taxes.

A report says that applications for jobless benefits fell sharply last week. Not because any fewer people were out of work, it’s just that we have so many people who are too illiterate to actually be able to read the forms.

Lincoln Logs will once again be made in the U.S. It’s the only way that most people will be able to afford to build a home that is American made and won’t be at risk of being foreclosed.

Cereal companies report sales are down between 7% and 30%. Business is so slow, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun came to work and found a sign in the window saying “No Irish Need Apply.”

The Fed says that household wealth went up 1.7% in the second quarter. Which means that people now have 1.7% of what they had before the 2007 crash.

A report says that retailers may hire the most holiday workers since 1999. Mostly because people will be shopping for the Christmas gifts they weren’t able to afford to buy for anyone since 2006.

The Department of Transportation says that airlines are adding jobs after making record profits. The new jobs will be for people to come up with even more fees to charge passengers because that’s the only way the airlines are still in business.

U.S. food makers say they will cut 6.4 Trillion calories from their products by next year. It was easy. They just put half the food they used to in all their packages.

Dentists are asking Crest to remove plastic microbeads from its toothpaste. Although people in Alabama say they think it looks good to have the pieces of plastic that add color and decoration to their tooth.

A study says that bad posture can make people scared, dull, sluggish and afraid. Especially anyone who went to Catholic schools and has flashbacks of the nuns hitting them with a ruler and yelling “Sit up straight!”

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. Anyone knows that who has tried to take a piece of chocolate away from their wife.

The FDA has approved a fast acting drug for treatment of Erectile Dysfunction. Which is great for men who wanted to get rid of the time they had to actually talk to their partners while waiting for the older drugs to work.

The Obama Administration has announced measures to tackle the problem of antibiotic resistance. Which health insurance companies say they had under control before Obamacare came along and actually gave people the opportunity to afford to get some antibiotics.

A study says that former addicts are less likely to become addicts of another substance. Mostly because they are afraid of being assigned to rehab again and have to listen to Lindsay Lohan explain why she really isn’t a bad person.

A study says that confidence may be a measurable brain activity. Although the researchers who conducted the study really aren’t sure and may have to run a lot of the tests again and may need to go through all the data a few more times.

Michael Vick says that Roger Goodell is doing a “great job” as NFL Commissioner. Which is about as meaningful an endorsement as having Adam Sandler recommend your film for Oscar consideration.

The Toledo Mud Hens baseball team has turned their ballpark into a miniature golf course. Using a stadium for a foreign sport inspired the Chicago Cubs. They liked the idea and are considering building a baseball diamond inside Wrigley Field.

A report says the government is taking “unnecessary risks” with security on the Healthcare.gov website. The good news is the site is completely safe since you pretty much need to be a hacker to be able to figure out how to log in to get insurance in the first place.

A study says that chimpanzees are natural born killers and weren’t made that way by humans. Although Bubbles the chimp reportedly never showed any violent tendencies until Michael Jackson started drinking all his “Jesus juice.”

An ancient Egyptian woman was discovered wearing hair extensions 3,300 years ago. The discovery finally puts to rest the question of what happened to Cher’s original beautician.

The FDA has approved a once weekly shot for diabetes. The only other system that involves less maintenance is the once yearly insulin shot for any diabetics who happen to be supermodels.

NASA has developed technology that can find survivors after any disasters. Otherwise known as the final phase of their latest rocket launch.

A Home Depot security breach has put 56 Million payment cards at risk. The good news is that most of those were from old accounts dating back to 2006 before the mortgage crisis when people still had homes they wanted to improve.

Microsoft has announced it will be laying off 2,100 employees. The hardest part will be getting the word out to their workers who have an Outlook.com e-mail account and use a PC that is operated by Windows 8.

Microsoft has announced it will be laying off 2,100 employees. The laid off workers will get the last laugh when they see their former boss Steve Ballmer realize he just spent $2 Billion to buy the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that tracking chips will be coming to the NHL soon which will monitor players’ speed and movement on the ice. More importantly, after a brawl it will be able to match up which teeth found on the ice belong to which player and who has what blood type for transfusions.

The U.S. has outlined a plan for a global climate agreement ahead of a summit next week. Which is pretty ambitious to think they can get the world to agree on a climate plan when half of all Americans won’t believe in global warming until it is 80 degrees in Alaska in January.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend of summer. Or as they call the last weekend of summer in the northeast, the 4th of July. We are headed into autumn on Monday, which means right after that it will be winter. But after that comes spring and baseball season so that’s a good thing but then there is April 15th tax day to ruin everything again. It’s all in how you look at things. I just hope you all have a good weekend and come back rested and refreshed and ready to remember to make sure to always send the love!

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