Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


England is offering new powers to Scotland if they vote to stay as part of the UK. The rest of Great Britain says if Scotland turns down independence, they will even promise to try Haggis sometime.

Police in Scotland will be on high alert for Friday’s independence election, no matter what the results. The risk of rioting has been placed somewhere between “Saturday night drinking” and “Drunk soccer hooligans on game day.”

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. Mostly being liberals smelling like fresh picked kale and conservatives having the odor of freshly minted $100 bills.

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. One thing is for sure. No matter how sore their muscles are, no conservative would ever be caught using and smelling like Ben-Gay.

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. Liberals have that smell of enthusiasm just before it is crushed by disappointment, and conservatives have more of that unmistakable odor of formaldehyde.

The NFL has hired a woman to help with their policy on domestic violence who is a former counsel to Joe Biden. Apparently the league’s strategy is to come up with a policy that completely bewilders and confuses everyone for the next three years until the controversy dies down.

A doctor is telling men to put their cellphones on “airplane” mode while carrying it in their pockets to reduce the risk of cancer. The only problem is getting to put their phone on airplane mode as no one even does that on an airplane.

California is requiring permits for self driving cars. It’s the first time the DMV has given approval to cars that have no driver behind the wheel since Lindsay Lohan got her driver’s license.

Panama is ranked first in the world in well being, with the U.S. coming in twelfth. Especially the Panamanians who have found full time work and are living it up ever since they sneaked across the U.S. border.

The National Labor Relations Board has ordered CNN to rehire 100 employees in an 11 year old labor dispute. The employees were fired when Larry King left and they were no longer needed to operate his personal defibrillator and give him fresh embalming fluid every day.

The National Labor Relations Board has ordered CNN to rehire 100 employees in an 11 year old labor dispute. The worst part of the story is that the news was broken by Fox.

A report says the foreign born population of the U.S. could reach 60 Million in the next ten years. However, that total would actually be 258 if you don’t count California.

The Census Bureau says the poverty rate in the U.S. declined slightly last year. Mostly because ever since the economic crash, you have to be not only broke but seriously in debt to be considered poorer than everyone else.

Russians are being urged not to panic as the Rouble fell to a new all time low against the dollar. Although it must be hard to stay calm when you see that the U.S. dollar is in better shape than the currency you have in your wallet.

Russians are being urged not to panic as the Rouble fell to a new all time low against the dollar. When the government tells you not to panic over the value of your money, that is usually the time you really need to panic.

Civil War hero Alonzo Cushing will receive the Medal of Honor 151 years late. Apparently the oversight was made when the military found his records and was trying to contact him for possible reactivation to go to the Middle East and fight against ISIS.

A U.S. Senator has challenged the tax exempt status of the NFL over the controversy of the name of the Washington Redskins. To which the Redskins say that is so typical of the white man trying to go back on his word with yet another treaty.

New history text books that are up for approval in Texas are being criticized by both liberals and conservatives. Most of all they are being blasted by Texans for mentioning history that took place anywhere other than in Texas.

The U.N. has taken Brazil off the world hunger map. Officials figured they can’t be that weak from hunger if they can blow those vuvuzelas for hours at a time at soccer matches.

The U.N. has taken Brazil off the world hunger map. Which is fine for most Americans who couldn’t even find where Brazil is on a world map if they had to.

Concerns are being raised about the dangers of powdered caffeine, of which one teaspoon is equal to drinking 25 cups of coffee. Apparently it’s for people who just don’t have time to wait in line at Starbucks and drink a whole triple espresso venti.

Concerns are being raised about the dangers of powdered caffeine, of which one teaspoon is equal to drinking 25 cups of coffee. The only problem for Paris Hilton is trying to measure out one teaspoon using a straw.

United Airlines is offering some of their flight attendants $100,000 to retire. Or at least they are giving them equal value, meaning one free suitcase along with an inflight movie and a blanket.

A report says that one in nine people in the world are chronically hungry. In fact, they are so famished that they will actually eat British food that is put on their plates.

A report says that one in nine people in the world are chronically hungry. Mostly the Chinese who have plenty to eat but are always hungry an hour later.

A funeral home in Michigan is offering drive through viewings. Which is ironic, especially in cases where the deceased passed away from obesity from spending too much time in the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

The Census Bureau says the poverty rate in the U.S. is 14.5%. The other 85.5% are still just a paycheck away.

A report says that one in ten Americans aged 35-44 have money seized for debts from their paychecks. Which is sure a lot easier than having to keep remembering to go through the mail and actually write out checks for each of those bills.

A report says that one in ten Americans aged 35-44 have money seized for debts from their paychecks. The other nine are still waiting to actually get the opportunity to some day be able to earn a paycheck.

The Census Bureau says the average American’s income went up $180 last year. Which means the average American is now making $180 a year.

Anheuser Busch is lashing out at the NFL for its recent handling of domestic violence cases. Which is really ironic since most domestic violence cases usually involve a six pack or two of products made by Anheuser Busch.

A top Wal-Mart spokesman has resigned after it was discovered he had no college degree as he claimed on his resume. Ironically, the only job he can now get without a college degree is working at Wal-Mart.

A report says that illegal drug use has declined with teenagers. Mostly because they have all moved to Washington and Colorado where they can smoke pot legally.

Heart experts say that a 14 point checklist should be used instead of EKGs on student athletes to detect heart problems. The 14 points all have to do with how many of their latest meals have been eaten at McDonald’s.

Heart experts say that a 14 point checklist should be used instead of EKGs on student athletes to detect heart problems. The only problem is finding any student athletes who can actually read the questions on a 14 point checklist.

A new blood test can reportedly diagnose depression. Especially when the patient finds out their health insurance plan doesn’t cover the cost of the blood test.

A Vermont woman just celebrated her 105th birthday. She says the secret to a long life is trying to figure out a way to eventually be able to move to somewhere warmer than Vermont.

A goldfish in Australia had lifesaving surgery to remove a tumor. The fish says it was just happy to once again be able to cheat the Ty-D-Bol man.

A goldfish in Australia had lifesaving surgery to remove a tumor. Which is sad to think that people are still bashing Obamacare in this country when even aquarium life Down Under has better health coverage.

The CDC says that between 1999 and 2012 the average American waistline expanded 1.2 inches. The news would be even worse but they are afraid what might happen when they tell people during the same time their backsides got twelve times that big.

Kim Kardashian defended Kanye West after he yelled at disabled people for not standing during a concert. It takes someone really close to Kanye to realize that was far from the worst thing he is capable of doing at any time.

Julie Chen from “The Talk” revealed that her grandfather was a polygamist. She just remembers as a child sending thank you notes for birthday presents from grandpa, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma and grandma.

Accused killer Aaron Hernandez says he felt “helpless” as police searched his Massachusetts home. Which is exactly how someone should feel who is handcuffed sitting in a jail cell while police are getting evidence on all the murders they committed.

Anaheim Ducks hockey players helped deliver season tickets to some fans. They got the idea from the Florida Panthers NHL team. The only difference is that the Panthers had players drop them off because it was on their way home and the team wanted to save postage on the three season ticket packages they were actually able to sell.

Netropolitan is a new social network that claims to be Facebook for the wealthy, costing $9,000 to join. It is so exclusive people only post pictures of their meals when they are eating lobster, caviar and Dom Perignon Champagne.

Subway will start allowing customers to pay with their smartphones. You would think that a place named “Subway” would have thought to have people be able to pay with tokens.

Retail stores are already trying to attract holiday shoppers. With the economy the way it is, some stores are allowing customers to lay away presents they are ordering for Christmas 2025.

UPS says it expects to hire 95,000 seasonal workers over the holidays. Which is finally some good news for all the elves who have been collecting unemployment since Santa had to lay them off after all the online merchants started offering free shipping.

President Obama says the Ebola epidemic is “spiraling out of control.” He was just happy to be able to use that term for once when he wasn’t speaking about the economy, unemployment or the situation in the Middle East.

A poll says that one in four Americans are worried about getting Ebola. Health experts put their fears to rest, saying most Americans will die from heart disease, high blood pressure or diabetes way before Ebola ever gets even close to the U.S.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s going to be interesting to see how the domestic violence cases affect the NFL. Players need to learn to never hit women. Things will be fine as long as they stick to driving drunk, shooting each other in nightclubs and taking performance enhancing drugs. I am not all that interested in what is going on. As a Raiders fan my season pretty much ends by week three. The rest of you can just fill me in on what is going on. Better yet, just remember once in awhile to send the love!


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