Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Vermont public schools have banned brownies. If you think that is extreme, just think how the Cub Scouts and Girl Scouts feel who figure they are next on the list.

NFL ratings were down in the second week of football after the poor handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. It turns out that people who want to see the most interesting NFL highlights are skipping the games and tuning in to watch TMZ.

The FBI has launched a national facial recognition system. Which is bad new for anyone who looks even close to Justin Bieber who will find themselves patted down for carrying eggs anytime they leave their house.

A school in England is fingerprinting its students in order to track what they eat in the cafeteria and monitor their diets. The real giveaway is when they take their fingerprints and find they are covered with French fry grease.

A study says that 40% of European Jews hide their religion. The other 60% are their mothers who are spending all their time making them feel extremely guilty about it.

A study says that humans naturally tend to follow crowd behavior. Not only that, but another 12 studies came out right after that which said exactly the same thing.

A study says that humans naturally tend to follow crowd behavior. Which finally explains why anyone ever even got interested in playing Farmville in the first place.

A study says that mice that were given a human brain gene learned how to perform tasks better. Although before they actually did any tasks they had to sit around drinking a cup of Starbucks and talk with the other mice for a half hour.

A study says that mice that were given a human brain gene learned how to perform tasks better. The interesting part is that the ones with the human brain gene actually learned how to stuff even more cheese down their throat than they did when they were just mice.

Iraq is calling for the end of “extremist sanctuaries” around the world. Which pretty much means they gave the go ahead to blow up Iraq.

The Obama Administration is preparing a system of college ratings that will reportedly hold down tuition and improve quality. That’s for the parents. The students will still be using the traditional methods of picking colleges based on their football team ranking, party status and number of women students who have appeared in the Playboy on campus edition.

North Korea says they have the world’s most advantageous human rights system. Although the U.N. disputed that just by the humiliation all their citizens must endure being required to wear the same haircut as Kim Jong-un.

McDonald’s says it is considering expanding its build-your-own-burger test. It is the most elaborate expansion involving McDonald’s that doesn’t just refer to its customers’ waistlines.

McDonald’s says it is considering expanding its build-your-own-burger test. The only bad part for McDonald’s is that the customers who make their own hamburgers are now demanding the restaurant pay them $15 an hour.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league has hired four women to work with him to improve the league’s policy on domestic violence. Just as soon as they actually figure out what the league’s policy on domestic violence actually is.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league has hired four women to work with him to improve the league’s policy on domestic violence. Goodell says he is just happy to have four people around the office who can fetch him some coffee every morning.

A city in China is offering a special sidewalk lane for people who are walking slowly because they are texting. L.A. is considering the same feature just as soon as they can find anyone in the city who actually walks anywhere.

USC is building a $650 Million residential and retail complex for on-campus living. Or as a $650 Million structure is otherwise known in Los Angeles, a three bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

USC is building a $650 Million residential and retail complex for on-campus living. The university had to make a decision on whether to build the complex or instead use the money to pay for a full scholarship for one of the students.

The Canadian Air Force had to raid a museum for parts for one of its airplanes still in use. People were shocked. Canada has an air force?

The Canadian Air Force had to raid a museum for parts for one of its airplanes still in use. Apparently they got the idea after seeing how Southwest Airlines kept its entire fleet operating.

A San Diego school was given an armored vehicle which it says it is using to store medical supplies and teddy bears. Apparently like most other schools, the administrators have never heard of a “cabinet.”

The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development has cut its economic growth forecast for the United States and several other countries. People were upset at the news. Who did they think would actually believe a forecast calling for economic growth?

A report says that Netflix is worth almost as much as CBS. And it will pass it easily the day that 80 year old people actually learn how to hook up their Roku to a computer.

Olive Garden is disputing criticism about their free breadsticks policy, saying it reflects their “Italian generosity.” Apparently investors are worried about inevitably losing any time you challenge Americans to see how much they can eat.

A proposed merger of Anheuser-Busch and Miller could result in them controlling a third of the world’s beer supply. The other two thirds are whatever they happen to be selling that day in Ireland.

A report says that nearly a half of China’s millionaires are planning to leave the country for better education and economic opportunities and cleaner air. In other words, they are looking at pretty much anywhere other than L.A.

A new app for writers predicts what people want to read. Which means it pretty much tells them to get an audience they need to just keep posting pictures of naked women.

A study says that faulty gas wells and not fracking has contaminated drinking water in Texas and Pennsylvania. Which is like saying that obesity, heart disease and diabetes is killing Americans, not the three meals they are eating at McDonald’s every day.

Marriott hotels are urging guests to tip their housekeepers. It’s part of a campaign started by Maria Shriver to help women. Although ironically, her marriage to Arnold Schwarzenegger ended because how he kept looking after the maids.

Marriott hotels are urging guests to tip their housekeepers. The best way to do that is to have the maids put the chocolates on the pillow after they get a gratuity.

A study says that eating too much salt doubles the risk of getting arthritis for smokers. The question is how did anyone even think of running a study testing that conclusion in the first place?

A study says that eating too much salt doubles the risk of getting arthritis for smokers. Which would be good news because then the smokers wouldn’t be able to lift their arms to get the cigarettes to their mouth and wouldn’t get all the other health problems from smoking.

A study says that walking or biking to work may benefit a person’s mental health. Mostly just the part about still having a job to have to walk or bike to get to.

A study says that “comfort” foods that make people feel better don’t really exist. Mostly because the feeling of satisfaction they get while eating the foods usually goes away the next time they pass a mirror or stand on the bathroom scale.

A study says that “comfort” foods that make people feel better don’t really exist. Mostly because the only comfort from those foods goes to the person’s cat or dog that gets to snuggle on their large and soft lap.

A study says that schizophrenia is actually eight diseases and not just one. Which means the patients just need a separate doctor for each of the eight different voices inside their head.

A study says the brain may compensate for damage done in some patients by Alzheimer’s Disease. Sort of like how Cubs fans keep coming back each year with renewed hope by selectively forgetting all their past memories.

A report says the smoking rate is increasing in New York City with more than 1 Million smokers. Apparently for most New Yorkers, talking loudly and pushing past everyone just doesn’t annoy as many people as blowing smoke in their face.

A study says that male pattern baldness is associated with prostate cancer. Which means that men are getting hair transplants and wearing wigs not so much for their appearance, but to keep their doctor from wanting to perform a prostate exam every time they see they are losing their hair.

A study says that patients who use cheaper generic drugs are more likely to take them. Mostly because they can’t take the more expensive name brand drugs because they have trouble swallowing once they see their pharmacy bill.

Two New York high school girls have developed a video game that replaces guns with tampons. The girls say it was all part of their desire to produce a period piece.

Laura Conrad from “The Hills” married her fiancee William Tell. Apparently she just couldn’t resist his overtures.

Lindsay Lohan says she handled the body bag containing Whitney Houston while she was doing community service at the L.A. County Morgue. Apparently the encounter happened because they put Houston inside the body bag that was originally set aside to be used for Lohan’s career.

Kanye West told a crowd in Australia he wouldn’t perform because everyone in the arena wasn’t standing, singling out two disabled people. Usually people are more than willing to stand at a Kane West concert, especially when they decide to walk out.

Paris Hilton spent $13,000 on a Pomeranian puppy that came from South Korea. She says the money was well spent because it was a rescue dog. Not from a pound, from the lunch buffet.

A report says the sequel to “Zoolander” is in the works. Although it will only really be a sequel to the three people who actually paid money to see the original.

Robin Thicke says he was on Vicodin and alcohol while he recorded “Blurred Lines.” Which explains how the song got its title pretty much from what he was seeing on the lyrics sheet.

Prince Harry has turned 30 years old. That means he only has another 30 years to go before he can retire from his job doing whatever it is he actually does.

Prince Harry has turned 30 years old. That made him eligible for a $16 Million inheritance from the estate of his late mother Diana. Now he is free to do whatever he wants, which fortunately is all he has been pretty much trained for since birth.

A survey says that 67% of Millennials, those in the 16-29 year old age group read a book a week. Apparently they just can’t get enough of seeing Spot run.

A survey says that 43% of Millennials, those in the 16-29 year old age group read daily. They read the want ads, unemployment forms and employment rejection letters.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you check in on the blog every day. Don’t forget to tell your friends, and to have them tell two friends each day and so on down the line. That way, I figure it will only be a matter of weeks before I hit my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. So do that and I’ll sit here and just wait, which I am really good at. If you can’t do that, you can always just try to remember to send the love!


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