Sunday, September 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that cars that drive themselves can now chat with each other. The bad part is that they communicate by texting while driving.

Pope Francis I says that World War III is underway. No one was sure if he meant it was the Catholics versus the Mormons, Baptists or Episcopalians.

An online service allows users to get quick results of their STD tests with their computer or using a phone app. Which is good news, especially for the people got their STD in the first place by using their computer or phone app to get on an Internet dating site.

Federal tax revenue through August hit a record $2.66 Trillion. What’s even better is that Congress held their spending down to only twice that amount.

A 23 year old Chinese medical student reportedly died from a heart attack while donating at a sperm bank. Adding insult to injury was all his donations being tossed because of his bad genes.

Acer has designed a “selfie sombrero” hat with an attached camera to take pictures of the person wearing it. Which is fine if you don’t mind being photographed all the time wearing a stupid looking hat.

An experimental military jet pack allowed soldiers to shave three seconds off their time in the 200 meter run. Although if they really want to see someone run faster, just toss a grenade a few feet away from them.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says that TV is stuck back in the 1970s. Which is why they came up with Apple TV, so people could watch reruns of “The Brady Bunch,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and “Sanford & Son.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook says that TV is stuck back in the 1970s. Apparently Cook was watching a football game over the weekend that was called by Brent Musburger.

A report says that China created 40,000 new millionaires last year. Mostly by getting the Chinese government to buy their bogus air quality improvement systems.

A report says that China created 40,000 new millionaires last year. Mostly by pretending to be Nigerian princes and spending all day sending e-mails to gullible Americans.

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor says that people should be more concerned about privacy invasion by drones. To which people say they are a bit more frightened by the Supreme Court letting the NSA spy on everything they do.

Rob Ford has withdrawn from the Toronto mayoral race. Apparently he felt he didn’t have much of a chance of winning. At least that is what he was told by his crack research team.

An initiative to break California into six separate states failed to get on the 2016 ballot. Mostly because people shuddered at the thought of sending ten new Senators to Washington, D.C.

A court ruled that Wisconsin can put a voter photo I.D. law into effect. The argument was that it was cruel and unusual punishment to make poll workers have to look at pictures of voters from Wisconsin.

A report says that Sarah Palin and several family members were involved in a brawl that broke out at a party. Apparently she was just preparing in case she was invited to make a speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention.

South Carolina Representative and former Governor Mark Sanford says he has ended his engagement to the woman he left his wife for. Apparently he just couldn’t come up with any more ideas for congressional junkets that would fly him to Argentina.

A report says that brain trauma will affect one out of every three NFL players. And judging by the way they have handled the Ray Rice case, everyone in the league’s front office.

An investor is calling on Olive Garden restaurants to change their policy and hand out fewer breadsticks to customers. In a related story, customers at Red Lobster as asking the restaurant to serve more bread so they don’t actually have to eat the fish they serve.

A report shows that Americans prefer red wine over white by 40% to 30%. The other 30% weren’t sure which one they were drinking because they couldn’t see the bottle through the paper bag.

A report shows that Americans prefer red wine over white. The three states that preferred white wine were Nebraska, Kansas and Iowa. Which was even more confusing to know that the most white wine is being bought by people in the reddest states.

A report shows that Americans prefer red wine over white. Although the executives on Wall Street know there is nothing like a good Champagne to add to the flavor of a Cuban cigar that has been lit with a $100 bill.

A survey shows that Hawaii is the most expensive state to live in. Mostly because people are willing to pay to be in the state that is geographically the farthest point from Alabama.

A survey shows that Hawaii is the most expensive state to live in. Apparently living in a tropical paradise is enough to make it worthwhile to only be able to afford to wear grass skirts and eat Spam for every meal.

Cabbies in San Diego are protesting a body odor test they must submit to. The drivers feel if they are going to ever make it to the big time and get a cab driving job in New York City, they have to play the part all the way.

Cabbies in San Diego are protesting a body odor test they must submit to. Mostly because cabbies looking for a fare don’t consider themselves “available” as much as they are “ripe.”

Cabbies in San Diego are protesting a body odor test they must submit to. Drivers say they are only trying to help out their vision impaired riders who can’t really tell it is a cab that is there to pick them up until they can smell them from at least three blocks away.

The Ukraine Prime Minister says that Vladimir Putin is seeing to restore the Soviet Union. Because what better way to improve Russia than to bring back the good old days of the Cuban Missile Crisis, Chernobyl and the Soviet-Afghan war.

The spy chief of South Korea has been sent to prison for using Twitter. Which means that since he was caught, he couldn’t have been too good of a spy in the first place.

China is cracking down on foreign TV streaming. The last thing the Chinese government wants is for its people to watch TV all day and end up in the same shape as most Americans.

China is cracking down on foreign TV streaming. The government is worried people will watch American TV shows from the ‘70s and start demanding all the modern conveniences they see in the shows like toasters, running water and rotary phones.

A report says the American economy is changing as most people are now single. Although it might also be that people are single because the economy changed and now they don’t have enough money to even date.

Researchers say that “fat shaming” doesn’t motivate people to lose weight. Pretty much the same way that calling someone stupid isn’t going to get them to vote new people into Congress.

A study says that meditation can shorten migraines by up to three hours. The only problem is that to do it you need to sit and meditate for approximately three hours.

A study says that meditation can shorten migraines by up to three hours. An even quicker way to get rid of migraines is to turn off the TV when “The Kardashians” is on.

Cuba is sending medical teams to Africa to fight Ebola. They are sending doctors there with the latest medical technology including leeches, goat’s blood and cloves of garlic.

Cuba is sending medical teams to Africa to fight Ebola. Once they eradicate that problem they can go back to Cuba to work on rickets, scurvy and malnutrition. 

MIT researchers are attempting to design a better breast pump. The only problem is finding any researchers who graduated from MIT who have actually ever seen a breast.

The Nebraska hospital treating a doctor for Ebola found he was helped by eating Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Once the Ben & Jerry’s cures the Ebola, they will just have to figure out how to treat him for his obesity, diabetes and heart disease.

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” says that AIDS is punishment for gays. Just like “Duck Dynasty” is punishment for people who don’t support more funding for education.

A New York band called Bulletproof Stockings performs for audiences made up only of women. In other words they are a Neil Diamond tribute band.

“Married With Children” may have a spinoff show. Which is great news for anyone with an analogue TV set with rabbit ears that can still pick up broadcast signals from 1994.

“Married With Children” may have a spinoff show. It could start production just as soon as David Faustino is upgraded by the acting union from “inactive” for the first time since 1997.

Chris Brown offered some advice to Ray Rice. The advice is when it comes to women, never listen to Chris Brown.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a statement supporting NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Not only that, but Snyder says he might also be able to get endorsements from Michael Vick, Ray Lewis and O.J. Simpson. 

Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a statement supporting NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Well, that ought to make everyone a lot more sympathetic and willing to support him to keep his job.

Mick Jagger has inspired researchers to name a swamp creature that had large lips after the Rolling Stones frontman. Although it was a toss up. The fact that the animal lived 19 Million years ago almost caused them to name it after Keith Richards.

Clothing startups are using smartphones and 3D scanners to effectively put tailors out of business. The only good news for tailors is that the geeks who use smartphones and 3D scanners only wear clothes that actually look better on them when they aren’t altered.

Apple says it has no plans to go into social networking. Why make a few cents from every person who is on the network when you can make thousands of dollars from each of them by selling them the smartphones, computers and tablets they use to access the sites?

California has ruled that all ride sharing services are illegal. Instead of using an app to get a ride, people without cars will have to use the other digital means of getting picked up on the highway, holding out there thumb.

EBay opportunists are selling their pre-ordered iPhones for $6,000. Apple is crying foul, saying overcharging by ten times the amount of the actual value of a product was their idea.

81 year old Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner has married a 24 year old Playboy model. She married Lugner because at 24 she was too old for Hugh Hefner.

81 year old Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner has married a 24 year old Playboy model. It’s just nice to see that people still marry because they truly love each other.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is, September. That means we almost made it a record six months without declaring war on someone. I’m just glad I am too old for the draft. Mostly because I can still remember when we had a draft. Let’s just hope we can settle things quickly. Hopefully the jokes take away from what we feel when we see the days headlines. The best way to deal with most situations is to always remember to send the love!

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