Friday, September 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says 63% of voters have no idea which party is in control of the House and Senate. The other 37% know that Congress is controlled by the lobbyists.

A poll says 63% of voters have no idea which party is in control of the House and Senate. The other 37% know it doesn’t matter since Congress hasn’t done anything since 2007.

A source says the NFL received the second Ray Rice video five months ago. To which the NFL’s excuse for not viewing it is their policy of not using instant replay when it involves a penalty.

A report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says show business and music industry jobs have dropped 19% in the past two years. In fact, the only jobs in Hollywood that are still increasing are nose, eye and boob jobs.

A new reality show strands New Mexico Democratic Senator Martin Heinrich and Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake on a deserted island in the Pacific to work together to survive. The only more isolated and barren environment they could have found would have been somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico.

A new reality show strands New Mexico Democratic Senator Martin Heinrich and Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake on a deserted island in the Pacific to work together to survive. The location was devoid of any civilized people whom they could depend on for help. In other words, it was like they never left Washington, D.C.

Ferrari reported record revenue in the first half of 2014. Mostly because people are willing to spend the money just to have a car that they don’t have to worry about being recalled.

A study says there are 2 Billion smartphones in use around the world. The other 5 Billion still have to communicate the old fashioned way by actually talking face to face with other people.

A study says there are 2 Billion smartphones in use around the world. Of course, only half of them are actually in use as the others have signed on to cellphone service with AT&T.

A study says there will be 6 Billion smartphones in use in the world by 2020. By 2021 it will be down to 3 Billion because of all the people who crash their cars while texting.

Researchers in Norway say that within ten years, cargo ships will be sailing without a captain or crew. Apparently cargo companies got the idea after going on a Carnival cruise ship.

A judge has declared Oscar Pistorius not guilty of murder but of negligent homicide in the death of his girlfriend. No one had any idea that Judge Ito was now working in South Africa.

A judge has declared Oscar Pistorius not guilty of murder but of negligent homicide in the death of his girlfriend. However, he now at least faces some jail time after it was revealed his handicapped parking sticker had expired.

A poll says that President Obama is losing support with women, young people and Latinos. However, he is still hanging on to the three middle aged white men who actually voted for him in 2012.

Several children in a New Jersey day care were sickened after drinking water that had been mixed with bleach. Although it was still determined to be better for them than the fruit juice and sugary soft drinks they were usually served every day.

Several children in a New Jersey day care were sickened after drinking water that had been mixed with bleach. Mostly because they live in New Jersey and it was still not as harmful as the water they get out of the tap every day.

Leading Scottish banks say they will move their headquarters to England if Scotland votes for independence. And they say they will take the seven pounds worth of savings the Scots have managed to invest with them.

The Catholic League has pulled out of the New York City St. Patrick’s Day Parade over the inclusion of gay groups. League President Bill Donohue feels that while St. Patrick beat him to chasing the snakes out of Ireland, he can make up for it by chasing the gays off Manhattan.

McDonald’s has applied for a trademark on “McBrunch.” Although in all honesty, who else would ever even try to market a meal with that name?

McDonald’s has applied for a trademark on “McBrunch.” Apparently it is for people who need to eat something to fill the void between their Egg McMuffin and Big Mac.

RadioShack says it may have to file for bankruptcy protection soon. People were shocked. RadioShack is still in business?

Revenue figures show that recreational marijuana sales have passed medical pot sales in Colorado. It turns out that even the people who didn’t get cured by smoking marijuana just really like to get stoned.

Americans’ credit card debt has hit a post recession high. Which means the next recession will start as soon as everyone realizes they don’t have any money to pay their credit card bills.

16 Senators say they want a tougher NFL policy on domestic violence. To which the NFL says that Ray Rice would have been punished severely for knocking out his wife if only they could have proved he was smoking marijuana at the time.

Red Robin restaurants are serving a milk shake featuring bacon and Jim Beam Bourbon. It’s for people who find that processed breakfast meat and alcohol are just the right combination to offset the chocolate aftertaste of a milk shake.

The NFL reportedly took in $10.5 Billion in 2013. The league expects to make as much in 2014, minus any money they took in for sales of Ray Rice jerseys.

Gambling establishments across the country are putting out a warning to the public. When playing a table game at a casino and you find you are seated next to Ray Rice, be careful when you blurt out “Hit me!”

Facebook is asking users who block any ads why they choose to do so. The answer most people give is because they are ads.

A study says that a rare blood type may raise the risk of dementia. The only problem is that the researchers just can’t remember what blood type that is.

A study says that a rare blood type may raise the risk of dementia. The discovery came after several vampires just couldn’t seem to remember who they had bitten the night before.

A study says that even a little weight gain can boost a person’s blood pressure. Especially when it causes their husband to comment that their rear end is looking a little larger.

Dogs are being trained to sniff out cancer. At least that is what is happening with the more exclusive medical plans. The problem comes when your HMO informs you that your prostate cancer exam will be performed by a pit bull.

A study says that several factors show the worst state to have a baby is Alabama. The good part is that it’s easy to find baby sitters since your in-laws are also your immediate family.

A study says that several factors show the worst state to have a baby is Alabama. The best part about raising a baby in Alabama is never having to worry about when the infant is going to start teething.

A study says that several factors show the worst state to have a baby is Alabama. Mostly for having to stay home and raise the child until they are twelve years old and are ready to start school.

A study says that one germ laden doorknob can affect an entire building. Especially if it is the door that leads into the room where they keep all the vending machines.

A study says that teenagers see different consequences between using alcohol and marijuana. When they get drunk they crash the car, and when they get high they just need to remember which pizza parlor they parked it at the night before.

A study says that getting less than five hours of sleep a night can lead to false memories. Especially when your wife asks you where you were until five in the morning.

A study says that kids who are physically active do better in school. At least that’s the theory researchers are working with until they can actually find some physically active school age children.

A study says that many seniors who seek medical attention in the Emergency Room suffer from malnutrition. Mostly from not being able to eat while waiting three days to be seen by one of the ER doctors.

A study says that magic mushrooms can help people stop smoking. Mostly because after taking the mushrooms they can’t remember where they put their cigarettes. Or their lighter. Or their car. Or their house.

Researchers say that “fat shaming” people by making fun of their weight actually makes them gain more. If that was true than Kirstie Alley would have her own zip code by now.

Researchers say that “fat shaming” people by making fun of their weight actually makes them gain more. Which means be careful when you think about telling your spouse they are ugly.

A Tennessee woman is fighting to get prescription drugs off eBay. Although people find they need to buy something to help them forget when they realize they just bid $500 for a piece of Jesus toast.

Kanye West was rushed to a hospital in Australia after suffering a migraine headache. Apparently he found out the hard way that  Australian TV is now showing “The Kardashians.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says it would have been “insensitive” to question Janay Rice about what happened on the video. Almost as insensitive as telling women across the country the NFL is more concerned about player smoking pot than beating their wives.

Tim Tebow is reportedly joining “Good Morning America.” Apparently he mistakenly thought the title of the show was “God Morning America.”

Tim Tebow is reportedly joining “Good Morning America.” He will host a segment called “Motivate Me Morning.” Mostly because Monday mornings are the only time slot he can find work quarterbacking anymore.

Researchers have found a dinosaur they say was half duck and half crocodile. Apparently it was a combination that could put someone in the hospital but also get them hooked up with Aflac supplemental health insurance.

Researchers at Stanford have developed an ant sized radio. Which is great for anyone who is looking for a good Christmas present for any ants.

Researchers at Stanford have developed an ant sized radio. So far the only music the radio can pick up is the Crickets, the Beatles and Adam and the Ants.

Feds have tightened rules that now call for managers to file reports within eight hours of fatal work accidents. Which managers have already been ordered to do by companies who want to make sure the dead employees aren’t going to try to qualify for overtime.

Senators are urging Burger King not to move their headquarters to Canada. They say it would be more appropriate to move the restaurant where it can be with all the jobs we used to have that are now in India, China and Mexico.

A study says that all European Jews are related and are 30th cousins or closer. To which people all over Alabama say “Mazeltov!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a particularly depressing week for me. The PGA Tour is ending its schedule, and the NFL season is underway. That means it won’t be long before baseball is done and then winter arrives. Then millions of years pass by and the Sun eventually burns out and all life as we know it on the planet is extinguished.  So you can see how this can all have an effect on me. At least it is Friday, and I hope you all are able to enjoy the weekend no matter what gloom and doom await us in the future. In the meantime, the best way to put the inevitable out of our minds is to just remember to always send the love!


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