Monday, September 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says the average American’s work week is now between 47 and 60 hours. Mostly to make up all the time they waste in the office looking at Facebook and porn.

A poll says the average American’s work week is now between 47 and 60 hours. Mostly to try to make the same amount of money they did before the recession when their wages were cut in half.

The U.S. Forest Service has published a paper on how to safely roast marshmallows. Mostly because the Forest Service is tired of having to put out forest fires caused by people trying to roast marshmallows.

Ecuador is planning the first digital currency issued by a central bank. The only bad part is that the currency has already lost half its value because of a 50% voucher offered online by Groupon.

Ecuador is planning the first digital currency issued by a central bank in order to abandon the U.S. dollar. To give you an idea how weak the dollar is, before Ecuador came up with the idea of replacing the dollar with a digital currency they were thinking about going with Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

More layoffs are expected at CNN, with President Jeff Zucker saying the network is “going to do less and have to do it with less.” Mostly because they are having to charge less for commercials because they have so many less viewers anymore.

Russia is claiming that NATO satellite pictures of Russian tanks moving into the Ukraine were taken off a video game. Apparently their first clue was when they noticed one of the tanks was being driving by Mario and Luigi.

The first 4D rollercoaster is set to open at Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas next year. The fourth dimension is time, as anyone going to San Antonio is constantly reminded about how Texans are still planning one day to get revenge for the Alamo.

Researchers say a telepathic message was sent 5,000 miles between two people using only their minds. The message went from a man to a woman which said “So, what are you wearing?”

Experts say that microchip implants could be common in people in the next decade. Although if the chips can make people smarter, women still have a better chance to get dates by sticking to the breast implants.

Experts say that microchip implants could be common in people in the next decade. If they want to use the chips to find people, how about just texting them on the cellphone they are always staring at?

Butter prices have reached an all time high. Which means there has never been a better time than now for the inevitable comeback of Paula Deen.

Egg throwing and road rage incidents have marked the division of Scotland over its upcoming vote for independence. Either that or Justin Bieber has given up his Canadian citizenship to live in the UK.

Professional wrestling has returned to the ring in North Korea. Fans will be able to watch men in funny outfits and bad haircuts parade around making fake threats about how they are going to annihilate their opponents. Which in North Korea is also known as a speech by Kim Jong-il.

A dog in New Jersey was able to turn on a stove which started a fire. At least that’s what the dog’s owners told the insurance company when they filed to collect on their recently upgraded $3 Million homeowners policy.

A 5 year old Pennsylvania boy says he brought a loaded gun to school so that his 3 year old brother wouldn’t have found it at home. Apparently his brother wasn’t too happy about finding the last of the Twinkies disappeared from the snack drawer.

The Corvette Museum in Kentucky is set to fill in a sinkhole that swallowed eight cars. The Corvettes were in the museum as they were just a few of the cars GM has made since 1963 that haven’t been recalled.

California lawmakers have passed a bill that would outlaw plastic bags at stores. The legislators feel that plastic should only be used to make the credit cards that are used by lobbyists to make their campaign donations, kickbacks and bribes.

A Virginia jury will decide if former Governor Bob McDonnell was corrupt in office or was just a hapless husband. To which Bill Clinton furiously called his legal team to say “Why didn’t we know that could be used as a defense?”

A Guatemalan woman has been ruled eligible for asylum in the U.S. because of domestic abuse. Which means that illegal alien women now know the fastest way to get into the country is by dating an NFL player.

Residents in the Hamptons were shocked to find recruitment posters from the KKK had been placed around their area. Why would the KKK try to find people to stop minorities from moving into an area where they haven’t been sighted since right before the Civil War?

President Obama gave a Labor Day speech where he urged Americans to not take their rights for granted. Although pretty much the only right most Americans ever get to exercise anymore is the right to remain silent.

A new drug to prevent heart failure has done very well in a recent test. In fact, it was able to hold off heart failure in most patients until they got the pharmacy bill for the prescription.

Wal-Mart is offering health care clinics in some of their stores that charge $40 for customers and $4 for employees. Which is different to the health care plan that most Wal-Mart customers have access to, which is buying bulk boxes of bandaids and aspirin.

Wal-Mart is offering health care clinics in some of their stores that charge $40 for customers and $4 for employees. Although going to a big box store for health care usually results in the patient ending up in a big box.

The influx of college students into the U.S. from China has been tapering off. Mostly because many Chinese feel the only reason to get an education here is to get a job which they have already taken most of the ones we used to have in the U.S.

Data says the average California biker is over 50, married and educated with money. Although now their idea of terrorizing locals around the state is by going into restaurants and ordering Dom Perignon Champagne and telling the sommelier to serve it in a mug.

American Airlines is back on Orbitz following a three day spat over fees. Which means anyone who was unable to book a flight during that time still managed to get where they were going faster than anyone who was going to the same destination on United.

Houston Astros GM Jeff Lunhow is using “moneyball” statistics to try to bring success to the team. Although it still looks like the only numbers that are going to help the Astros are the ones used by their tax preparers to help write off all the deductions from finishing in last place again.

New startups are offering banking to younger customers who can do all their transactions with their smartphones. Who would probably have more money to put in the bank if they would do something other than staring at their smartphone screens all day.

A study says that car technology systems are failing consumers. Although it is handy to have GPS in your car so the manufacturer can figure out where it is when they need to come pick it up for all the recall repairs they need to do on it.

A federal judge in California has approved a plan to reduce the number of mentally ill inmates who are kept in isolation. Which is just what you want to hear when you are a prisoner, that your new cellmate is someone coming in fresh from the mental ward.

Biomedical engineering students at Johns Hopkins have invented a way to stop extensive bleeding on the battlefield. Now their parents are just hoping they can figure out a way to stop the bleeding when they get their kids’ yearly tuition statements.

A study says that second hand smoke from e-cigarettes contains toxins. In fact, if anyone exposed long enough they could end up with e-cancer.

Harrison Ford is back on the set of “Star Wars VII” after breaking his ankle. The good news is that having to push Ford around the set in his wheelchair finally meant there was a job in the production for Mark Hamill.

Harrison Ford is back on the set of “Star Wars VII” after breaking his ankle. The only bad part is that the Millennium Falcon is now just a pimped out Rascal scooter.

Britney Spears has broken up with her boyfriend David Lucado, who was reportedly seen kissing another woman. Apparently he just liked being around a set of lips that didn’t only move to a recorded soundtrack.

Controversy continues over an expert saying that “Hello Kitty” is not a cat, because in part she walks on two legs. If that is the case, then what is Disney’s Goofy if he walks on two legs and has a pet dog Pluto who walks on four?

Controversy continues over an expert saying that “Hello Kitty” is not a cat, but a little girl. If that is the case, those whiskers are the worst pre-pubescent case of facial hair ever.

The movies are experiencing their worst summer since 1997. Which is really bad when you consider some of the summer releases since then include “Gigli”, “Battlefield Earth” and “Sex And The City 2.”

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” Which is really big news for anyone still living in 1992.

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” Which actually wasn’t the original name of the movie, but instructions from studio executives after finding out there was a romantic comedy planned with Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant.

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” The movie features Grant as a washed up Hollywood star who hasn’t had a hit in the past 15 years. In other words, it is a documentary.

President Obama says that social media lets people see how messy the world is. Although it would make the world seem even more messy if people instead posted pictures of the dirty dishes left over from the meals they now put on Facebook.

President Obama says that social media lets people see how messy the world is. Especially the tweets that try to explain his economic, domestic and foreign policies.

A report says the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which will come in handy to help locate the phones where another diner throws it out the window of a restaurant where the owner has been talking on it non-stop through their entire meal.

A report says the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which is great for anyone who needs to tell their friends how hot and swollen things are getting inside their pants pocket.

IBM’s supercomputer Watson is being used to create new ideas for recipes. Ever since he was banned from “Jeopardy!” it looks like his only chance to get back on TV is for Paula Deen’s old spot on the Food Network.

IBM’s supercomputer Watson is being used to create new ideas for recipes. The former “Jeopardy!” champ is using its acquired knowledge to make meals for as many as twenty or for someone who just wants a quick byte.

Werner Franz, the last surviving member of the crew of the ill-fated Hindenburg zeppelin has died at age 92. The only difference is his cremation will take place 77 years after all the others.

A Mexican woman has been unofficially declared the oldest person in the world at 127. Authorities knew she had to be at least 120 since she was actually able to be caught by the Border Patrol.

A Mexican woman has been unofficially declared the oldest person in the world at 127. She has 73 great-grandchildren and 55 great-great-grandchildren. She has been able to fight off Alzheimer’s Disease so far by keeping her brain busy just trying to figure out which relatives to send birthday cards to every day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a good Labor Day weekend. You can see how I spent mine, writing more lame jokes. That wasn’t very productive. But it beats mowing the lawn. Although I have been told that watching someone mow the lawn is actually more entertaining than this blog. Well, if any of these puts a smile on your face, all I ever ask is that you remember to send the love!


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