Friday, August 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the U.S. can’t solve all the world’s problems anymore. Although at this point it would be nice if we could just solve a few of our own.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the U.S. can’t solve all the world’s problems anymore. But we could start by paying back some of the money we have borrowed and stop invading every time we run low on oil.

Financial experts say the market could correct by as much as 60%. Most investors aren’t concerned as having 40% of their money is still better than losing it all like they did in 2008.

A report says that album sales are at an all-time low. The music industry knew it was in trouble earlier this year when Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Beyonce were all outsold by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

A report says that album sales are at an all-time low. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s an album?”

A report says that Mohammed is the most popular name in Oslo. Apparently people finally got tired of calling every man and boy in Norway “Sven.”

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. Apparently the judge made the ruling as a wedding present to his fifth wife.

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. People were surprised. When was polygamy outlawed in Utah?

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. The ruling was based more on economics than anything else. Limiting men to just one wife would have put half the wedding planners in the state out of business.

A study says that people leave their personal bacteria behind wherever they go. Which means that it’s possible to figure out every place Paris Hilton has visited in the past ten years.

A deadly brain eating amoeba has been found in a water system in Louisiana. Which finally explains the whole “Duck Dynasty” thing.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in a private ceremony in France. They have been together nearly a decade and have six children. Apparently they thought it would be a good idea to make it official before the grandchildren started arriving.

A pediatric group is saying that school starts too early for most children. Most kids can’t even begin to start thinking about paying attention in a classroom until they have at least three hours at the video game console to wake them up.

The President of the Ukraine is urging the country not to panic in the wake of a Russian invasion. The people so far are cooperating. How much worse can things get than having to live in the Ukraine?

The U.S. is saying Russia has “outright lied” about the Ukraine. To which Russia responded that they still have a ways to go to catch us with our lies about Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kuwait, Vietnam, Korea...

The man who killed John Lennon was denied parole but says he is sorry for being “an idiot.” Apparently he now sees the error of his ways and like everyone else has come to put the blame for the Beatles’ breakup on Yoko.

USC’s football coach says that cornerback Josh Shaw could still return to the team after lying about an injury. From now on he will have to promise to only lie about the number of times he has actually attended a class.

The NFL has toughened the ban against domestic abuse to six games. The league can now get back to preparing its celebration for when they eventually enshrine suspected murderer Ray Lewis to the Hall of Fame.

A survey of insurance companies says that Massachusetts has the worst drivers in the country. Apparently things have never gotten any better after the Pilgrims crashed the Mayflower into Plymouth Rock.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. It’s not like they need any extra time to shower to get ready to go to the office.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. French workers figure they will just have to get up a little earlier in order to have enough time to drink a couple of bottles of wine before heading off to work.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. Why would a country need to put in an extra five hours a week when their main industries are making berets and easels?

A survey says that top employees will see big bonuses this year and next. Of course, as usual the “top employees” will be determined by the companies to be their CEO and all the executives.

A report says that PC sales are surging to their highest numbers since 2010. Mostly for people who think a computer working on the new Windows 9 will give them something to do while they are still waiting for their Windows 8 PC to boot up.

A survey says that Americans are more anxious about the economy now than they were when the recession ended. People were surprised at the news. The recession ended?

A survey says that Americans are more anxious about the economy now than they were when the recession ended. Mostly because for the first time since the recession started they actually have a job, a home and a little money in the bank.

A survey says that Americans’s satisfaction with credit cards are up for the fifth straight year. Although that may change when the credit card companies ask them to start paying off some of their five year balance.

A study says that colleges are being attended by older students, with 40% now 25 or older. Possibly because most kids today aren’t graduating high school until they are 23.

A study says that colleges are being attended by older students, with 40% now 25 or older. The other 60% are still young, with the hope that they will be able to pay off their college loans before they reach their 80s.

Experts say that the 30,000 highway deaths every year in the U.S. could be eliminated with driverless cars. Which means that people will finally be safe while using their cars for what they were intended, drinking texting and having sex.

Abercrombie & Fitch will be dropping their logo from their clothes. It turns out the only reason the clothes were popular with kids is because they had to be at least a size XXXL to be able to fit all the letters across the front.

Denny’s has started an upscale location in New York City that offers a $300 brunch. It’s so expensive, the Grand Slam breakfast gets its name because the eggs are personally stepped on by Derek Jeter.

Denny’s has started an upscale location in New York City that offers a $300 brunch complete with Dom Perignon Champagne. If that is too high end, the Waffle House is going to have its own less expensive brunch featuring scrambled eggs and hash browns on a paper plate that comes with a bottle of Ripple.

The Commerce Department says the U.S. economy grew at a better than expected rate in the second quarter. Meaning that everyone was surprised it made it into the third quarter.

The Commerce Department says the U.S. economy grew at a better than expected rate in the second quarter. That is mostly because no one has expected the economy to grow at all since 2008.

Researchers say a walkway that causes people to stumble can help seniors prevent falls. Not really. The researchers just think it’s funny to trip all the old people.

A report says that two thirds of U.S. teens with mental health problems get counseling. The other one third with mental health problems don’t need counseling as they are more correctly diagnosed as being teenagers.

A study says that continuous jolts of magnetic pulses to the brain can improve a person’s memory. For one thing, they will make sure to remember not to go back to the research lab for another round of getting shocked.

Joan Rivers stopped breathing during a surgical procedure Thursday and was listed as critical. That’s news? Since when has Joan Rivers ever not been critical?

Joan Rivers stopped breathing during a surgical procedure Thursday and was listed as critical. Apparently she couldn’t get any air into her lungs because she has had so many facelifts her nose has actually been moved over her forehead.

A study says a tax on soda could help fight childhood obesity. Apparently the thinking is if they charge enough for soft drinks the kids won’t have enough money left to buy any pizza, ice cream or cheeseburgers.

Beyonce’s dad says the rumors of her divorce were fabricated to boost ticket sales. Which may have worked because there were a lot more Youtube views of Jay-Z being beaten up in an elevator by his sister-in-law than any of Beyonce’s latest music videos.

The U.S. has raised the fee to renounce a person’s citizenship by 422%. Or for people who want to save some money, the same thing can be pretty much be done for free by just announcing they have joined Al Queda.

Hewlett-Packard is recalling 6 Million power cords. The worst part is that they were designed to recharge any of GM’s recalled electric powered cars.

L.A. has canceled its $30 Million iPad in-the-school program. Apparently some kids got hold of an app that allows them to use their iPads for graffiti.

Samsung has launched a smartwatch that is able to also make calls. For one thing, it can call the time and temperature number since the smartwatch wasn’t actually designed to tell time.

The White House has announced it is nominating a new Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator. The only problem for the person in the position will be finding something that the White House does that in any way involves anything intellectual.

A study says that cars that can talk to each other will save millions of gallons of fuel. Especially the ones that aren’t afraid to ask other cars for directions instead of having the man behind the wheel drive around for hours before admitting they are lost.

A study says that cars that can talk to each other will save millions of gallons of fuel. Mostly from not spilling their gas all over the road when the person driving crashes into a tree or other cars while texting.

A 9 year old Arizona girl killed her gun instructor when she accidentally shot him with an Uzi. Although everyone at the shooting range thought it was very cute when she called the gun an “Oopsie.”

Traffic on Twitter picked up dramatically when President Obama made a speech wearing a tan suit. It was the most activity ever involving clothes on Twitter, but only because it wasn’t around for Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress.

Traffic on Twitter picked up dramatically when President Obama made a speech wearing a tan suit. And who says social media doesn’t have a place in getting out critical information to an informed public?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the start of the three day Labor Day holiday weekend. That means one thing. Actually it means several things. But what it means here is that I will be taking off Monday, so that will give you three days to decompress from trying to figure out what any of these jokes actually mean. I hope you enjoy not laboring on a day when we honor those who have to labor at their low paying jobs that include working weekends, holidays and late nights. I am just glad to have a job at this point, as you should be as well. Imagine if I had all day to come up with even more jokes. That is a frightening thought. Enjoy your holiday, and just remember if you get a chance over the next three days to take some time to send the love!

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