Thursday, August 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A lawyer in the IRS ethics office is facing disbarment over lying. People were shocked. When did the IRS get an ethics office?

A report says a panda in China faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. The panda finally came clean when she learned she was going to have to give up drinking and smoking until the baby arrived.

A report says a panda in China faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. The panda admitted the hoax when even that failed to get the baby daddy to marry her.

A study says that smartphones are stunting the social skills of students. To which teachers are asking when students have ever had social skills?

A study says that smartphones are stunting the social skills of students. Which wouldn’t really matter if teachers would ever start communicating with their pupils by texting.

A study says that one third of all Mexicans want to move to America. Mostly to join the other two thirds who already have.

The FDA is warning travelers to inform the TSA about any prescription drugs they are carrying. Especially if they are taking the pills to lower their blood pressure after having to endure a TSA body scan and strip search.

Neurologists claim they can reverse bad memories with a flash of bright light. Like the memory of what it was like when they were still had their eyesight.

A report by The Spectator magazine says that if Britain was a U.S. state, it would be the second poorest next to Alabama. Although the problem with having Britain next to Alabama would be seeing people with bad teeth who talk funny and trying to figure out which was which.

Health care premiums are set to fall in Arkansas next year. Mostly because health insurance there doesn’t cover dental and now people are eligible for insurance for relatives and spouses who are often the same people.

The U.S. is planning to use a “name and shame” strategy to get other countries to reduce carbon emissions. The question is, how is shaming going to stop carbon emissions when BP still doesn’t see a problem with the millions of barrels of oil they dropped into the Gulf?

An airline pilot says flight delays are mostly the fault of the airlines. Their excuse is that it takes a long time to have the flight attendants collect all the fee money before they take off.

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. All the research for the paper was done by graduate students who are still looking to find work. 

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. It would be a lot easier on everyone if they would just keep statistics on who does have a job.

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. Mostly because all the people in Washington, D.C. know that if the real number got out, they would all be unemployed after the next election.

Kia is planning to build a $1 Billion car assembly plant in Mexico. As part of the deal, Kia promised to make the trunks of their cars large enough to take all the workers’ relatives across the border.

Kia is planning to build a $1 Billion car assembly plant in Mexico. Which is bad news for the Mexicans who are now in the U.S. legally who will have to sneak all the way back across the border to try to find a job.

Research says that employees who take more vacation time have the highest performance reviews. Mostly because they aren’t around the office enough for their boss to see what a bad job they are doing.

A survey says that Americans lost $8.6 Billion to phone fraud last year. No one had any idea that AT&T had that many customers.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke says the 2008 financial crisis was the worst in world history. If only someone in a position of power to control what Wall Street was doing to start the crash and head it off before it began could have seen that coming...

Suzuki has recalled 19,000 sedans because of spiders that clog up the fuel lines. If your fuel systems are being stopped up by spiders, you really need to get rid of your new car inventory left over from 1997.

A report says that Labor Day weekend gas prices will be the lowest since 2010. Mostly because no one is going anywhere on vacation to celebrate Labor Day until they have a job to celebrate their labor.

A new app helps people find jobs in the legal marijuana industry. It also includes ancillary jobs connected to the pot business, which means it has all kinds of openings for drivers for Domino’s Pizza.

Oil magnate Harold Hamm’s upcoming divorce could be the costliest in history. At least it will be in his home state of Oklahoma, where the previous record divorce settlement was a pickup truck, barn and Merle Haggard record collection.

Ryan Air is launching a business class section. Although the airline is so low budget that the only businesses it will cater to are 7-Eleven, McDonald’s and Wal-Mart.

A report says that hotels are bracing for the highest occupancy levels in 20 years. Mostly because there is still one more wave of subprime mortgages that will come due soon and kick people out of their homes when they are foreclosed.

A survey says that salaries and bonuses in the U.S. are on the rise. Which for most people means they are seeing their incomes rising from zero to minimum wage.

A report says that nonprofit hospitals saw their lowest revenue in 2013 since the recession started. Which means if they weren’t nonprofit before, they sure are now.

A study says that mindfulness training helps both Alzheimer’s patients and their caregivers. Mindfulness training involves awareness with acceptance for events in the present moment. Mostly because they have already forgotten what just happened five minutes ago.

Researchers say that up to 20% of all teenagers go through major depression. Mostly because the other 80% of teenagers keep giving them wedgies all day at school.

Researchers say that up to 20% of all teenagers go through major depression. Mostly the ones who are about to graduate high school and realize they will be paying off their college loans until they are in middle age.

A study says that mixing therapy along with prescription drugs can speed up the recovery time for depression. At least until the patients get the bills from their pharmacy and psychiatrist.

A study says that eating junk food makes people boring to be around. Mostly because all they ever want to do is go to McDonald’s and then shopping to buy some larger sized clothes.

A study says that tomatoes may reduce the risk of prostate cancer. The only problem is that when people say they don’t like to eat tomatoes, their doctor tells them you don’t exactly eat them.

A study says that teenage boys are worse drivers than teenage girls. Mostly because the boys drive much faster in trying to ignore and get away from the girl drivers who are busy trying to text them.

A study says that losing weight can help people gain brain power. For one thing, people who are obese never have to really memorize anything other than the value menu at McDonald’s.

Researchers say that pets get back to school blues, too. For one thing, dogs miss all the pizza crumbs they get to lick up off the couch while the kids are home playing video games all summer long.

A study says that blood pressure is controlled best by patients and not by their physician. Especially when the patient isn’t sitting around for three hours in the waiting room before they can finally get in to see the doctor.

Neuroscientists say they have been able to “rewrite” bad memories in mice, manipulating brain cells to reverse bad experiences. Which is just the medical breakthrough that Cubs fans have been waiting on for years.

A study says that burning trash can cause severe health problems. In fact, it can almost be as bad for a person’s health as attending a whole week at Burning Man.

A study says that burning trash can cause severe health problems. Especially if the garbage man sees you are the one lighting all the trash cans on fire up and down the street.

A study of people climbing Mt. Everest says that the extreme altitude affects blood pressure. Especially when the climbers realize they have paid more than $100,000 to fly to the middle of nowhere to risk their life and lose their fingers and toes to climb a rock.

Former major league pitcher John Rocker will be a contestant on the next “Survivor.” Only John Rocker could be on a show about surviving and still have people rooting for him to lose.

California will expand their TV and film incentive budget to $330 Million. The money is used to offset any losses that may be incurred by films shot in the state. Which means the fund goes down to zero of Kevin Costner isn’t making any movies this year.

An expert says that “Hello Kitty” isn’t a cat, but is really a girl. A girl who really needs to see her lawyer about going after her plastic surgeon for one awkward facelift.

An expert says that “Hello Kitty” isn’t a cat, but is really a girl. The scary thing is that there is someone who claims to be an expert on “Hello Kitty.”

The oldest animal known to have muscles has been discovered in Newfoundland. No one even knew that Arnold Schwarzenegger had moved to Canada.

Amazon has paid $1 Billion for Twitch, a site that shows people playing video games. How fat and lazy have we gotten that it is too much exercise now to actually play the video games by ourselves?

Amazon has paid $1 Billion for Twitch, a site that shows people playing video games. Apparently it’s called Twitch because when people who are lying on the couch watching the website start to twitch, it’s the only sign they are actually still alive.

The makers of “Grand Theft Auto V” are saying the lawsuit filed against them by Lindsay Lohan is “meritless.” Pretty much like “Grand Theft Auto V.”

The makers of “Grand Theft Auto V” are saying the lawsuit filed against them by Lindsay Lohan is “meritless.” Or were they referring to Lohan’s career?

A survey says that two thirds of credit card holders use cash for purchases under $5. To which most people are asking what is there that anyone can still buy for under $5?

A survey says that two thirds of credit card holders use cash for purchases under $5. The other one third don’t have $5 because they are so much in debt from overusing their credit cards.

The U.S. economy is forecast to grow 1.5% this year. Which would put it up somewhere around 1.5% of where it was before the recession started.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is Thursday, and the big news that everyone is just finding out about is that the Emmys were last Sunday. How can anyone watch a television show giving out awards for how good of a job they are doing in television? The amazing part is how they have the red carpet show ahead of the awards where women who are famous for taking off all their clothes are fawned over for the outfits they are wearing. As someone who has worked in local television for more than 30 years, I obviously am jealous and bitter that I don’t ever get to wear a gown while walking down the red carpet in front of all the cameras. Instead, my reward comes when all of you remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Rick Foster said...

Hi Jim,

PLEASE, PLEASE don't EVER wear a gown in front of a camera. We would have to take drastic action!

Love your blog!