Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. Marijuana laced coffee will bring a whole new meaning to when someone says they are brewing a fresh pot.

A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. The idea of marijuana laced coffee appeals to stoners as the caffeine will help keep them awake long enough to eat a few more bags of Doritos.

A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. Next, someone could just take care of everything at once by making some marijuana topped pizza.

The Times newspaper in England is piping in the sound of typewriters clacking in order to increase energy levels to help reporters hit deadlines. To which anyone in the newsroom under the age of 40 will be asking “What’s a typewriter?”

A new book says that animals are getting smarter. Which isn’t hard to believe when they are compared to the direction human intelligence is going.

A new book says that animals are getting smarter. Although some experts are discounting the theory as the book was written by a lemur.

A report says that new technology may allow for windowless planes that have monitors to let people see outside. Which would be great for United Airlines as they could just show pictures from 30,000 feet up to make people think they are flying while they have been sitting on the tarmac for three days.

A report says that new technology may allow for windowless planes that have monitors to let people see outside. Which will help airlines by not allowing passengers to look out the windows and see how the crews are manhandling their luggage.

An Iranian Ayatollah says that high speed Internet is immoral and inhumane. Which means that the next contract to provide Internet service to all 76 Million Iranians may go to AOL.

An Iranian Ayatollah says that high speed Internet is immoral and inhumane. Although what could be more inhumane than having to wait twenty minutes while your favorite cat videos keep buffering?

Southwest Airlines is apologizing for “losing” an 85 year old woman who was left alone for 11 hours at Newark airport. People were shocked at the cruelty. Who would send an 85 year old woman to Newark?

A new app tells shoppers if a product more likely benefits Democrats or Republicans. Do we really need an app for that? If you buy a Prius, hemp clothing or tickets to a Neil Young concert, it is benefiting Democrats while money for guns, “Duck Dynasty” clothing and Humvees pretty much all goes right to Republican headquarters.

A driverless car from Carnegie Mellon University took a test drive through the streets of Washington, D.C. Which makes perfect sense as that is the same city that has let Congress navigate around with no one at the wheel for years.

A report says the Obamacare website has cost an estimated $1.7 Billion to date. Which is still less than what it has cost for congressional Republicans to hold 50 votes to repeal it.

A report says the Obamacare website has cost an estimated $1.7 Billion to date. Which is about the same amount of money that the average person with no health insurance is billed for a week long stay in the hospital.

A study says that social media is more likely to discourage debate. Mostly because people on Facebook are less interested in political issues than they are in pictures of cats or what their friends are eating for breakfast.

A study says that pen and paper are better for taking notes in class than using a laptop. To which most students are asking “What is a pen and paper?”

Burger King is planning an expansion of Tim Horton’s. The easiest way to expand Tim Horton is to make him eat every meal at Burger King.

Mexico is considering raising the country’s minimum wage. The easiest way to do that is offer transportation to any of their workers trying to cross the border into the  U.S.

A bank teller in Colorado helped authorities catch a wanted man after their fingers became numb from cocaine coated one dollar bills he was trying to exchange for larger bills. Which makes you shudder to think what would have happened to their fingers if the ones were being exchanged from a strip club.

Wall Street analysts are calling for the ouster of the CEO of JetBlue because he is too “passenger friendly.” The question is, how did someone with that kind of attitude ever make it that far working for an airline?

A major shareholder in RadioShack has proposed a rescue plan to help the company avoid bankruptcy. Investors were surprised. RadioShack isn’t bankrupt?

A report says that consumer confidence is at its highest point in the past seven years. Which pretty much means that for the first time since 2007 it has actually gone above “zero.”

A study says that couples who smoke pot are less likely to commit domestic violence. Mostly because it is hard to become physical with your spouse when you forgot exactly how to get back to your house to confront them.

A study says that couples who smoke pot are less likely to commit domestic violence. Although things can get ugly when your spouse finds out you were the one who ate the last slice of pizza.

Sophia Vergara is being blasted by critics for her Emmys appearance that is being called sexist. Which is almost as sexist as her four Emmy nominations for “Modern Family” where she plays a beautiful bimbo who achieves her dream of coming to America when she marries an older man for his money.

American Airlines has pulled its fares from Orbitz in a dispute over fees. Apparently the airlines feel they are the only ones entitled to charge outrageous fees to their customers.

A study says the public is paying hundreds of millions of dollars in hospital costs for uninsured gunshot victims. Which means Obamacare will finally make it unnecessary for criminals to ask victims for proof of medical insurance before they shoot them.

A study says that even normal weight teenagers can have anorexia. Mostly because being normal weight anymore makes a person look like they are anorexic.

A study shows that how thoughtfully couples make decisions can have a lasting effect on the quality of their romantic relationship. For example, if they contest their divorce with separate lawyers it will take a lot longer for their divorce to be finalized.

The WHO is urging stiff regulations to be placed on e-cigarettes. Which probably wouldn’t even be necessary if they would have ever called for restrictions on regular cigarettes.

A study says that genetics play a role in the severity of a person’s hangover. For instance, they probably wouldn’t be in a position to even have a hangover in the first place if their genes couldn’t be traced back to Ireland, Scotland or Russia.

A company claims to be offering candy that keeps a person’s skin whiter. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Godiva imported truffle collection.

The former head of Connecticut’s successful health insurance exchange will become the new CEO of the Obamacare website. Which is pretty much like being accepted to Harvard only to find out your parents got a better deal and decided to enroll you at UNLV.

A study says that having to wait for an experience makes people happier. Which means the U.S. has the happiest people in the world as we have been waiting for the past seven years to try to get back to where we were before the recession.

Prince is planning to release two new albums this fall. Which is great news to anyone who is still living in the summer of 1985.

Kim Kardashian and her half sisters are being criticized for being caught texting during the tribute to Michael Brown at the MTV VMAs. Although even more people were wondering why they were seeing the Kardashians at the Video Music Awards in the first place.

Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted robbery. Mostly for trying to charge people $15 for his latest CD.

Bill Hader says that Justin Bieber was one of the worst guest hosts ever on “Saturday Night Live.” Although in Bieber’s defense, at the time he hosted the show it aired way past his bedtime.

Jennifer Lopez says she would get married for a fourth time. Also for a fifth and sixth just to make sure the seventh was the real deal.

CBS says it will air an all-women sports talk show. Which will mostly consist of women who complain about how their husbands never help out with housework or the kids and just sit around watching sports all weekend.

Miley Cyrus’ homeless friend who accepted her award at the MTV VMAs is reportedly wanted by police in Oregon. Apparently police in Portland want to talk with him about reports of someone being seen repeatedly twerking without a license.

Justin Bieber’s Ferrari was reportedly hit by paparazzi following him in a Prius. Forget the DUI and reckless driving charges in Florida. If you can’t outrun a Prius in a Ferrari, you need to have your license immediately revoked forever.

Kim Kardashian will reportedly make a guest appearance on “Two Broke Girls.” Which means the title of the show needs to be changed to “Two Broke and Incredibly Desperate Girls.”

Kim Kardashian will reportedly make a guest appearance on “Two Broke Girls.” Apparently the stars of the show want to get Emmy nominations next year and compared to Kardashian, it will look like they are performing Shakespeare.

Neil Young is divorcing his wife of 36 years. Which means “After The Gold Rush” will now refer to his life after he pays the bill from his wife’s divorce lawyers.

The Seattle Seahawks and their coach Pete Carroll have been fined by the NFL for $300,000 for being too physical. When asked by Cincinnati Bengals why they are fined more for the same offense, the league says it’s because the Seahawks beat people up on the football field.

The Seattle Seahawks and their coach Pete Carroll have been fined by the NFL for $300,000 for being too physical. The Jacksonville Jaguars are being investigated for how hard they are hitting on the field which could net them a fine of as much as $15.38.

Federal agencies are being accused of not paying scientists and technicians as much as they could. Mostly because they are going to be taking it out of their pockets for the next several years for what they did with the Obamacare website.

A laser based space junk tracking site is being planned for Australia. Although that seems a bit unnecessary as NASA is already keeping a pretty constant eye on the location of the International Space Station.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Labor Day is just a few days away. Don’t we already have a day to honor labor? I think it’s called Mother’s Day. Not the same labor? Speaking of labor, I am just glad you were able to make it this far on the blog. That is really some work and you are to be congratulated for your efforts. I don’t need any sort of recognition for writing this, as if that is ever going to happen. All I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!

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