Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The number of IRS agents could drop to the lowest levels since the 1930s. Mostly because we have about as many people who still actually have an income as we did during the first Great Depression.

A wanted man in Nebraska was arrested after posting video of himself taking the Ice Bucket Challenge on Facebook. He went straight from the ice bucket into the cooler.

A new system allows the government to track where people are through their cellphone anywhere in the world. Or they could just look on Facebook and see which country they are posting pictures of each of their meals from.

Florida Polytechnic University has a new digital library that has no books. Mostly because today’s college students have no idea what anything is that doesn’t come on a CD or DVD.

Royal Caribbean’s latest cruise ship comes with a bar where drinks are mixed by robots. Which is nice if you need a sympathetic ear to talk about the latest problems with how your computer just isn’t compatible with Windows 8.

Scientists have achieved the coldest temperature ever recorded, within two thousandths of a degree of absolute zero. It was just slightly warmer than the estimated temperature in the Clintons’ bedroom right after Hillary found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Burger King is considering a move to Canada for its lower corporate tax rate. Plus, what better place for a king to move than where all the money comes with a picture of the Queen?

Burger King is considering a move to Canada for its lower corporate tax rate. It’s the first time a fast food icon has tried to move to Canada when Ronald McDonald considered a move there in 1967 but changed his mind when he found out his orange hair, yellow jump suit and size 23 shoes would keep him out of the draft.

A report says that hotels will take in an extra $2.25 Billion this year from surcharges. Mostly from the Internet fees they charge so people won’t go online to look up how much they are paying in surcharges.

A report says that hotels will take in an extra $2.25 Billion this year from surcharges. Like paying a fitness center fees, as if anyone on vacation is actually going to use the fitness center.

A report says that hotels will take in an extra $2.25 Billion this year from surcharges. The new bag storage fees now mean that between the airlines and hotels, it officially costs more money to take your luggage on trips than other family members.

New studies are refuting the value of eating breakfast when it comes to trying to lose weight. Especially when breakfast means an Egg McMuffin, Croissan’wich and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Tiger Woods has announced he is splitting with swing coach Sean Foley. Apparently the two had a falling out after Foley caught him taking lessons from 15 other instructors.

Tiger Woods has announced he is splitting with swing coach Sean Foley. Woods is still mad after finding out that Foley was the one who taught Elin Nordegren how to swing a 9 iron.

A 6.0 earthquake hit California’s Napa Valley. Everyone knew it was an earthquake when everyone at all the local wine tastings started walking straight.

Alabama could become the seventh state to offer “Don’t Tread On Me” license plates that are favored by members of the Tea Party. They would fit right in on most Alabama cars that come with tires that say “No tread on me.”

A study says that states with legalized marijuana have 25% fewer prescription drug overdoses. Mostly because the people smoking pot can never remember where they put their stash of Oxycontin.

A study says that states with legalized marijuana have 25% fewer prescription drug overdoses. Although they do occasionally have to go to the ER to have their stomach pumped from overeating pizza, Doritos and Oreos.

Todd Park is reportedly stepping down as the U.S. Chief Technology Officer. He showed that the government can do just as good a job as the private sector, which was proven when the Obamacare website made even Windows 8 look good.

Todd Park is reportedly stepping down as the U.S. Chief Technology Officer. His greatest accomplishment was making a training video for the IRS agents that combined the best parts of Grand Theft Auto, Gangbusters and Mafia Wars.

Todd Park is reportedly stepping down as the U.S. Chief Technology Officer. Apparently he has been offered the top job at the Republican National Committee after what he did to the Democrats with the Obamacare website.

A copy of the first Superman comic book sold at auction for $3.2 Million. The buyer didn’t want the comic book. He was just interested in getting the ad off the back so he could finally order a pair of X-Ray specs and some Sea-Monkeys.

More hotels are starting to offer engagement packages. Those are nothing new. It’s just that older generations knew an engagement weekend as getting knocked up at the Motel 6.

More hotels are starting to offer engagement packages. Which comes in handy for the accompanying discount available when the groom eventually gets caught sneaking in at three in the morning and his bride throws him out of the house.

A report says that only 10% of California residents have earthquake insurance. Mostly because the other 90% are waiting until they can actually afford to pay for health, car and life insurance.

Burger King’s new CEO is 33 years old, their CFO is 28 and the head of investor relations is 29. The only embarrassing part is when the board meets and members are given the choice of cheeseburger or chicken nuggets Kids Meals.

New home sales slowed in July to a four month low, a sign the economy may be faltering. The good news is that fewer new home sales now means that many fewer foreclosures five years from now.

Experts say the Napa Valley earthquake won’t spike California wine prices. Connoisseurs just need to beware of any wine from broken bottles that is being sold as shard-onnay.

Experts say the Napa Valley earthquake won’t spike California wine prices. When it comes to the cost of California wines, it wasn’t like vintners didn’t already have wine lovers over a barrel.

A study says that too much fluoride in water can lower people’s I.Q. Although any researchers who want to try to come up with a correlation between rotting teeth and higher I.Q. scores has never been to Alabama.

Toronto has banned e-cigarettes from the workplace. Which angered Mayor Rob Ford who says “First crack, then pot and now e-cigarettes? How’s a guy supposed to get any work done in this town?”

A study says that 9% of people have no close friends. The other 91% have a subscription to DirecTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket.

A group of pediatricians says that schools should start later in the day so that students can get more sleep. Although that’s what most people always thought math and history classes were for.

A group of pediatricians says that schools should start later in the day so that students can get more sleep. Some bullies are so tired that they can barely start the day by giving nerds wedgies that come more than halfway up their back.

A study has linked readers of “Fifty Shades of Grey” with unhealthy behavior. Like letting their partner use a Half-Windsor knot on the ties they are binding them with instead of the much less restrictive Four-in-Hand.

A novice fire breather in Europe got pneumonia from breathing in paraffin during a performance. He not only ended up in the hospital, he blew any chance of ever getting into a KISS tribute band.

Oregon is suing Oracle for the state’s failed healthcare website. To which President Obama is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

A study says that cosmetic eyelid surgery may ease some migraine headaches. If your eyelids are starting to cause headaches, the problem may be you have had just one too many facelifts.

A study says that “sleep drunkenness,” where people wake up not knowing where they are affects one in fifteen Americans. Especially the ones who are now going through their fifth home foreclosure.

A study says that people can have more fun while out drinking if they use smaller glasses and only fill them half way. In other words, they should order their drinks at Bennigan’s.

Researchers say that Richard III, whose remains were recently found under a parking lot in England was fond of drinking wine. Which may explain how he ended up under a parking lot in the first place.

Dutch researchers say that bullying starts well before kids begin school, and that obese kids are more likely to be bullied as well as being the bullies. Researchers also say the surest way to guarantee being bullied at school is to show up wearing a pair of wooden shoes.

Bruce Jenner reportedly wears Spanx under everything in order to look thinner. If he really wants to look thin he should just make sure all his pictures are taken near stepdaughter Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Death Row Records founder Suge Knight was shot six times at a VMA party Sunday. A copyright infringement on the pre-show party shooting was immediately filed by the VIBE awards.

Death Row Records founder Suge Knight was shot six times at a VMA party Sunday. To which everyone was asking where were the gunmen when Miley Cyrus was twerking last year?

Donald Trump slammed Emmy host Seth Meyers as being a “total joke with almost no talent.” Which Trump knows are exactly the qualifications needed to get your own show on NBC.

Young Jeezy was arrested in connection with a shooting at a Wiz Khalifa concert. The good news is that now gives him the experience to move up to concert headliner.

The NFL has suspended Redskins’ safety Brandon Meriweather for an illegal hit. Although since it was for only two games, no one was sure if it was on another player or his girlfriend.

A report says the NSA build a Google like search engine to collect metadata and share it with other government agencies. Although so far the only information being passed around are those naked pictures of travelers taken by the TSA body scanners.

Sony will unveil its new smart tennis racket sensor that tracks a person’s on court performance. It was already tested with John McEnroe and had accurate measurements on racket speed, ball spin and the number of decibels registered while screaming at the line judges.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This weekend is the three day Labor Day holiday weekend. It is the weekend when Americans celebrate and remember the time when they actually had a job to labor at. Although for most people the most tedious labor they will perform all day is making it through this blog. If you have made it this far, I have to salute your stamina, tenacity and cast iron stomach. If you can manage that, then it will really be no big deal to make sure to remember to send the love!

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