Sunday, August 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe says ISIS is developing methods to blow up a major U.S. city. Then he realized he was just looking at pictures of Detroit.

An Amsterdam based engineer says that in the future robots will kill people unless they are taught the value of human life. Either that or they need to be easily deprogrammed by running them on Windows 8.

A poll says that only 10% of Americans believe that President Obama has improved race relations. The other 90% have been to the South.

Dozens of horse deaths in Kansas are being blamed on stress. Mostly from hearing that Chris Christie was going to campaign in the state and wanted a picture taken of him while horseback riding.

Scientists say that a subglacial eruption is underway at a volcano in Iceland. Most people thought a subglacial eruption was something that you developed after twerking with Miley Cyrus.

A Tennessee man is suing the TNT program “Cold Justice” for defamation for suggesting he was involved in a murder. Up until now, the term “cold justice” was what was referred to as bedtime by the husband of Judge Judy.

The new Corvette Z06 has a base price tag of $79,000. That immediately jumps to $87,000 if the buyer wants it to come with a full tank of gas.

Cruise lines are trying to attract couples with infants and toddlers. Imagine all the constant crying and diaper changing. And that’s just for the adults that eat at the buffet and then get the norovirus.

A website is guaranteeing to get its customers tickets for the Super Bowl before the football season even starts, but only if the team they pick ends up in the game. In other words, Houston fans should try to put there bids in now for the 2045 NFL season.

A report says that GM recalls are putting strains on dealers. Especially when customers who want to take a car out on the road instead get a test push around the lot.

The Johns Hopkins medical school is being criticized for using pigs to train doctors. Which is only fitting since most of their future doctors will be getting most of their business from people who have been eating too much bacon.

The EPA says the air quality in U.S. cities is getting cleaner. Mostly because so many people have lost their jobs and have nowhere to drive and can’t afford to buy any gas for their cars anyway.

The EPA says the air in U.S. cities is getting cleaner. To which air quality regulators are saying “Thank you China!”

A study says that drone operators can develop PTSD just like pilots who fly in combat. Mostly because they know the only job they will be eligible for after the service will be working as a delivery drone pilot for Amazon.

A study is providing doctors with a road map for what makes the perfect belly button. For one thing, it helps to have it be on a stomach that isn’t so fat that no one can actually find the belly button.

A study is providing doctors with a road map for what makes the perfect belly button. If doctors need a road map to find a belly button, they must need Google Earth to navigate Kim Kardashian’s backside.

A study is providing doctors with a road map for what makes the perfect belly button. Which could finally bring a peaceful solution to the world’s longest running navel conflict.

Researchers in Canada are working on a surgical “black box” that records surgeons’ movements and identifies errors during operations. The most important task will be making sure to remind doctors to check and make sure their patients have a top notch medical insurance plan.

A 3D printed vertebrae was used in a spinal surgery in China. Fortunately, doctors had a lot of practice from all those years of using the office copier to make pictures of their backsides.

A decline in blood transfusions is said to be hurting the blood industry. It’s getting so bad that in order to get the last possible drop of blood from donors, blood drive organizers have had to start hiring consultants from the IRS.

A survey says that Americans’ fear of Ebola doesn’t match the reality of the possibility of a worldwide outbreak of the illness. Which means the number one life threatening medical concern is still having to make a claim with their health insurance company.

Mariah Carey has slapped husband Nick Cannon with a gag order about their impending divorce. People are sad at the news, wishing that she was instead married to Kanye West so that he would be the one to finally be gagged.

A contestant on the show “Dating Naked” is suing because of a shot of her exposed crotch that she claims lost her a potential boyfriend. Although there is a chance the boyfriend might have dumped her after seeing her on a show called “Dating Naked.”

Adrian Brody is set to star in an upcoming mini-series about Houdini on the History Channel. The only way to make the series more realistic and have Houdini completely disappear would be to air it on NBC.

Movie theaters in China are encouraging texting with people being allowed to have their messages shown on screen for a fee. The most common text being sent tells everyone in the theater to try to go to the concession stand and try the dog meat on a stick.

Movie theaters in China are encouraging texting with people being allowed to have their messages shown on screen for a fee. The only problem is being able to see the texts and the movies through all the smog in the theater.

Movie theaters in China are encouraging texting with people being allowed to have their messages shown on screen for a fee. The only problem is the pirates who text that a DVD of the movie will be available in the lobby right after the show.

Rapper Iggy Azalea fell off the stage at an MTV VMA benefit concert. It’s not as easy as it looks to be able to coordinate dance moves while lip syncing.

Rapper Iggy Azalea fell off the stage at an MTV VMA benefit concert. Concertgoers were shocked. They had never seen a rapper take a fall that wasn’t caused by gunfire.

A boa constrictor bit one of Nicki Minaj’s dancers during a performance of her song “Anaconda.” There were so many reptiles involved in the number that everyone thought they mistakenly showed up for the contract signing.

A boa constrictor bit one of Nicki Minaj’s dancers during a performance of her song “Anaconda.” Fortunately, everything was smoothed out as the insurance claim was handled by the GEICO gecko.

A report says Lauren Bacall’s will set aside $10,000 to take care of her dog. It could have been worse. With a $26.6 Million estate, she not only could have gotten the dog its own hydrant, she could have shelled out for an entire fire station.

North Carolina legislators have dropped incentives for TV and film production in the state. Apparently they are upset that filmmakers keep making movies that show the North winning the Civil War.

North Carolina legislators have dropped incentives for TV and film production in the state. Apparently local lawmakers just found out after all this time that “Andy of Mayberry” wasn’t a documentary.

The NFL and M.I.A. have come to a settlement over the rapper’s giving the middle finger during the 2012 Super Bowl half time performance. That cleared the way for the league to sign up next year’s half time show featuring Johnny Manziel.

The NFL and M.I.A. have come to a settlement over the rapper’s giving the middle finger during the 2012 Super Bowl half time performance. Mostly because M.I.A.’s career since the incident has pretty much been M.I.A.

Major League Baseball may ease blackout restrictions next season. Which still doesn’t include any alcohol induced blackouts by Cubs fans to forget by how much they missed the playoffs again.

The CEO of the Little League World Series says that players may be compensated in the future. The decision was inevitable ever since players from the Caribbean started to get commercials from Gillette Razors, GM and Budweiser.

The oldest metal object in the Middle East was found inside a woman’s grave. Archaeologists say it appears to be some kind of weapon the woman used against her husband that resembles a crudely made 9 iron.

A report says the western drought has caused the land to rise, with Albuquerque measuring .15” higher than it was before. That means between the effects of the drought and legalized pot, Denver will soon be the highest city in the world.

A survey says that most people download zero apps a month. Which no one even knew until the information was put together by the new survey app.

A California law allows dogs to eat with their owners at outdoor restaurant patios. If nothing else, diners will think twice about pulling out their cellphones when they see it starting to irritate the pit bull owner at the next table.

A California law allows dogs to eat with their owners at outdoor restaurant patios. Which seems like a long ways to go just to save restaurant owners a few dollars on the cost of keeping doggie bags on hand.

“Star Trek” star George Takei says that making mistakes on Facebook is a “part of life.” Although not as bit a mistake as giving out your home phone number or address to William Shatner.

Google says it will add a steering wheel and pedals to its self driving cars. Apparently it’s hard for some people to be in a car and send text messages unless they at least have the feeling they are actually doing the driving.

Studies say that breakfast may not be the most important meal of the day when it comes to losing weight. But it still is as far as giving most people something to start their day off with to take a picture of to post on Facebook.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It seemed like another slow week. Or as most businesses have called that since 2007, a week. Hope you all had a couple of relaxing days to get ready to go back to work. Which thinking about pretty much just takes away any rest and relaxation you managed to get in. We’ll manage to get through it together as always. I’ll bring the jokes, and you keep sending in the love!

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