Friday, August 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Data says that IQ scores have been falling through the past decade. Which is no coincidence that the drop started right around the time of the premier of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”

A report says that 63 Trillion gallons of groundwater have been lost in the western drought. Which was great news for Washington, D.C. in that there has finally been something found that can go even more trillions into debt than Congress.

A cast member of the VH1 show “Dating Naked” is suing the program saying they showed an uncensored shot of her crotch. Who could ever believe that would actually be able to happen on a show called “Dating Naked”?

A cast member of the VH1 show “Dating Naked” is suing the program saying they showed an uncensored shot of her crotch. The worst part of the lawsuit was when even her lawyer showed up without his briefs.

A study says that the number of people traveling to Switzerland to take advantage of their assisted suicide laws has doubled. Otherwise known as the tourists who booked their flights to Switzerland on United Airlines.

Venezuela is proposing fingerprinting all shoppers to stop food shortages and smuggling. Which has already inspired a new hit TV program there called “CSI: Piggly Wiggly.”

Dick Cheney says that President Obama would “rather be on the golf course than in the Situation Room.” As opposed to Cheney who goes out hunting and ends up sending everyone else to the Emergency Room.

The Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” There is also a very practical article on how people suffering in the western drought can make a pair of divining rods out of a simple wire coat hangers.

The Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” Which is really bad news for the old farmers who still actually read it.

The Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” The article doesn’t say if they are using the woolly caterpillar method, charting the number of nuts squirrels are gathering or measuring how high hornets are building their nests.

Workers’ compensation costs with the Postal Service have been rising recently despite cutting several thousand employees. Who knew that handling that extra mail would lead to that many cases of debilitating severe paper cuts?

A study says that Neanderthals coexisted with early humans in Europe for more than 5,000 years. In fact, they still coexist at times. Just ask any of the cast and crew from any of Sylvester Stallone’s most recent movies.

An 8 year old boy in India was born with large hands that now weigh 30 pounds each. The good news is that palm readers say his life line says he will live to be at least 140.

An 8 year old boy in India was born with large hands that now weigh 30 pounds each. He is already looking forward to a career as a New York City cab driver who will have the advantage of being able to wave a middle finger that can be seen for three miles.

A survey places Newark, New Jersey as the most unfriendly city in the U.S. To which the local residents replied “What are you looking at?”

Experts say that ISIS’ thirst for oil could lead to global catastrophe. The experts then corrected themselves and said they misspoke and meant to say “Republicans’ thirst for oil.”

A Florida Starbucks’ “pay it forward” streak lasted ten hours with 457 customers taking part. The streak ended when number 458 looked in his rear view mirror and saw a van full of soccer moms and knew there was no way he could afford to pay for eight extra large double espresso mocha lattes.

A federal judge has formally ended part of the Arkansas desegregation case dating back  to 1957. Mostly because Arkansas’ desegregation policies still date back to 1957.

A federal judge has formally ended part of the Arkansas desegregation case dating back  to 1957. Mostly because he ruled that no matter how bad their policies are, it can’t be any worse than what is going on in Missouri.

A farmer in China has figured out how to grow pears in the shape of Buddha. Before that, all pears in China were considered to be in the shape of Americans.

A Twinkie plant in Chicago is closing down. The factory has been in business 84 years. Which is about ten years short of the shelf life of the average pack of Twinkies.

Ford is telling dealers not to sell C-Max or Focus vehicles that were built last week. Apparently the auto maker wants to wait a few days so they can just hand the new car buyers their first recall notice when they come to pick it up.

Mexico is restricting junk food ads that are played during children’s programming. Apparently parents are complaining their kids are getting too fat and are having trouble outrunning the U.S. border guards.

A Toronto bakery is offering a gold-topped cupcake that sells for $900. Although they will have trouble finding someone who might be persuaded to actually buy one now that Mayor Rob Ford has gone through rehab and sobered up.

Family Dollar has rejected a takeover bid of $8.9 Billion from Dollar General. Mostly because it would take store employees approximately 32 years to count the payment of 8.9 Billion one dollar bills.

Studies show that eating breakfast may not help people lose weight. Especially when breakfast starts at 6:30 and breaks for lunch before picking up again until the pre-dinner appetizer snack.

A new “Scooby-Doo” movie “curses” Daphne by changing her from a size 2 to a size 8. At least the other characters are able to figure out the mystery of what happened to the disappearing Scooby snacks.

A report is urging pregnant women not to eat tuna. Of course, most pregnant women wouldn’t touch tuna in the first place unless they also have some M&M,s garlic pickles and Haagen Dazs to mix in with it.

Model Emily Ratajkowski, who appeared nude in the video “Blurred Lines” says that men need to get over naked women. You’ll know that has happened when the Internet completely shuts down from lack of use.

A former “Jeopardy!” contestant has been indicted for assaulting the wife of a Virginia legislator. Using her cash prize for bail will be the first time that anyone has used their “Jeopardy!” winnings for something other than buying Star Wars figurines.

A former “Jeopardy!” contestant has been indicted for assaulting the wife of a Virginia legislator. Unfortunately, her lawyer had to explain that getting to the second round of court appearances doesn’t constitute a claim of double jeopardy.

“American Idol” reject William Hung has gotten married. It just goes to prove that not being able to sing can get you a much publicized wedding. Just ask Kanye West.

Dave Matthews says he smoked pot with Willie Nelson back in 1995. Which has about as much news value as saying he went out for ice cream once with Kirstie Alley.

Mo’ne Davis brought a record 5 Million viewers to the Little League World Series on ESPN. Or as NBC calls 5 Million viewers, a pretty good year.

Johnny Manziel is still the favorite in Las Vegas to be named the Offensive Rookie of the Year. After flipping off the Redskins bench, being seen out late and Cleveland bars and flashing his “money” sign, who could possibly prove themselves to be any more offensive?

Tiger Woods says he will stop Rory McIlroy from winning the Masters in 2015. Apparently he has a secret plan to sneak into his room and shut off his alarm clock.

A report says that Jon Bon Jovi’s bid to buy the Buffalo Bills is “on life support.” Pretty much like the Bill’s chance of getting into the playoffs. 

A report says that Jon Bon Jovi’s bid to buy the Buffalo Bills is “on life support.” To put it in perspective, Bon Jovi has about as good a chance as sitting in the front office as he does being best man at Richie Sambora’s second wedding with Heather Locklear.

Archaeologists say that a 2,800 year old tomb in Greece was decorated with zig zag designed art. When the word got out of a tomb full of zig zags, they thought they had stumbled on the grave site of Jerry Garcia.

A study says that spiders thrive better in the city than their counterparts in the country. Mostly because people living in the city are easier to bite since they are so much larger and don’t seem to move around as much.

NASA says it wants to put rodents on the International Space Station. Apparently they are trying to make visiting Russian cosmonauts more at home by giving them the nostalgic feeling of what it used to be like on Mir.

A report says that Microsoft will introduce Windows 9 next month. Which explains why Steve Ballmer was in such a hurry to resign from the board and take over the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that Microsoft will introduce Windows 9 next month. Unfortunately, it will be hard to get the word out to people who can’t get access to the Internet because their computer is running on Windows 8.

A browser extension warns users when articles they are reading were written by advertisers. Sort of like how the articles on Fox News’ website are pretty much all written by the Republican Party.

The FDA has approved technology that turns smartphones into stroke detectors. Mostly when you feel like having a stroke when the person sitting next to you in a restaurant or movie theater won’t put down their phone.

Google has gotten a patent to make Glass look like ordinary specs. Which means you will be able to get prescription lenses for them that allows you to see the mob coming after you when they realize you are wearing Google Glass.

A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.

A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is a better method than finding out you are spending too much time on your smartphone when your wife punches you for checking your e-mails at 3:00 in the morning.

The product chief at LinkedIn is leaving the company. Apparently he is the first person to actually get a new job using LinkedIn.

Researchers say that typing and text patterns on a computer keyboard can tell what a person is feeling. For instance, writing threatening letters in all caps is probably a sign the person is trying to reach customer service at United Airlines.

Researchers say that typing and text patterns on a computer keyboard can tell what a person is feeling. A good example is someone writing to their lawyer is probably sad knowing they are about to lose half of what they own after their wife catches them sending notes to their girlfriends on Facebook.

Bank of America will be able to write off $12 Billion of the $17 Billion settlement with the government for starting the mortgage crisis. Which is only fair considering how much of a writeoff they gave everyone else who lost everything they owned in the housing crash. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Yesterday was Thursday. And tomorrow is Saturday. And so on. Now that we have that settled, who cares? We always end up right back on Monday and time for work again. That’s a depressing cycle. Hope you all have a great weekend and are ready to take on the jokes again Monday. At least you get a two day break from that. The weekend also gives you 48 hours to find just a couple of minutes to remember to send the love! 

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