Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. World Cup soccer team was fitted with GPS devices to help the team avoid injuries. Unfortunately, they lost to Belgium as they should have attached one of the devices to let them know where to find the goal net.

The U.S. World Cup soccer team was fitted with GPS devices to help the team avoid injuries. The Chicago Cubs are thinking of using the same technology to let their players learn where to find home plate.

The U.S. World Cup soccer team was fitted with GPS devices to help the team avoid injuries. They got the idea from the Cincinnati Bengals who have several players fitted with ankle bracelets for home confinement.

A report says Americans were given 259 Million prescriptions for painkillers in 2012. Mostly to help them cope with trying to deal with not having enough money to afford the other prescription drugs they needed.

Monica Lewinsky says she was a “virgin to humiliation” before the scandal with Bill Clinton. If there is any way to lose that it’s with an internship in the White House.

Monica Lewinsky says she was a “virgin to humiliation” before the scandal with Bill Clinton. Which was the problem in that all Clinton heard was “virgin” before he sprung into action.

Monica Lewinsky says she was a “virgin to humiliation” before the scandal with Bill Clinton. And by giving her first TV interview in ten years, she has shown that she is now a seasoned street pro.

The FTC is accusing T-Mobile of overbilling customers. Which brings up the question of when are they going to go after cable TV, the airlines, Bank of America and Big Oil?

The FTC is accusing T-Mobile of overbilling customers. Which means that AT&T should be facing the same charges any time they send anyone a monthly statement.

Fox has canceled a new show called “Hieroglyph” before it even aired. It was billed as an action-adventure series that featured political intrigue, crime and violence set in ancient times in Egypt. Fox felt there was already a show like that on TV. It’s called “Al Jazeera News.”

A poll says most Americans feel personal freedom has diminished while government corruption is on the rise. The worst part is the poll was conducted by what people were saying in their phone conversations that were monitored by the NSA.

One person was killed and five hurt in a blast at a GM plant in Indiana. Now GM is even going to start having to recall their factories.

Millions of Americans reportedly stopped work early on Tuesday in order to watch the U.S. team play in the World Cup, costing the U.S. economy $600 Million. Which is a savings of about $1 Billion over the lost productivity from employees stopping work early every day to go on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube.

College campus free speech is the target of lawsuits against four colleges. The colleges are defending limits on free speech, saying if students are paying $100,000 for a degree why should they think that anything else on campus is going to be free?

The White House gave out $1.3 Million in raises to employees last year. The pay increases were an incentive to keep long time workers from requesting transfers to positions that are more relaxing and stable, like the U.S. Embassy in Iraq.

Former NFL star and accused murderer Aaron Hernandez is still featured on calendars for the Florida Gators and New England Patriots. Although most calendars feature players for just one month, his have been extended to 15 years to life.

A report says the U.S. economy was flat in June. Which is kind of like telling people on the Titanic when it hit the ocean floor that they were finally done sinking.

President Obama blasted Republicans for holding up highway funding. Although in their defense, Republican support of the oil companies and their price gouging made it so people can’t afford gasoline to have a car and need to use the roads anyway.

A report says that online book sales have passed brick and mortar store sales for the first time. It’s getting so bad that book stores are starting to look as empty as a barn with no bulls.

The Census Bureau says that beer breweries in the U.S. are doing a booming business. Which explains why this information is coming out four years after the Census information was actually collected.

A report says that airports across the country will be busy over the 4th of July weekend. Mostly from people flying United who are still trying to get home from their Memorial Day weekend trip.

A report says that more Americans are forgoing traditional meals in favor of snacks. Mostly because Americans just don’t like trying to figure out what to do with all that dead time between breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Analysts are blaming the World Cup for a drop in casino gambling revenue. Mostly because instead of sitting at the tables losing money all day, soccer fans make one bet that takes four hours to see if they won or lost.

The U.S. beat Belgium in the number of clicks on digital platforms while the two teams played against each other in the World Cup. While we might not have the endurance it takes on the field, no one can claim they are in better shape than Americans when it comes to our thumbs.

A report says the number of cars recalled by GM this year would circle the Earth four times. Remember when GM cars would be built to go far enough to circle the globe four times?

The FCC says that broadcasters must reveal who pays for political ads they air. Now all they have to do is make broadcasters tell who writes all the lies that go into the ads.

The CDC says that men are considered heavy drinkers if they consume at least two drinks a day, while women qualify with only one drink a day. To which men who have had two drinks are saying “Who you calling a drunk?”

The CDC says that men are considered heavy drinkers if they consume at least two drinks a day, while women qualify with only one drink a day. Anyone drinking that much who wants to lose the label of being a heavy drinker should consider moving to Ireland.

A study says that one third of all knee replacement surgeries are “inappropriate.” Mostly because the people with bad knees don’t need new ones because it’s not like they got that way from ever getting off their couch in the first place.

A study says that many Baby Boomers won’t be able to afford nursing home care. To which most Boomers will be asking why can’t they just do what they did their whole life and put it on a credit card?

A survey says that people feel their dads were better drivers but preferred trips with their mother at the wheel. Mostly because their moms weren’t big enough to be able to hang on to the wheel while at the same time spinning around to smack them in the back seat.

The Census Bureau says that more than two thirds of all Baby boomers are overweight or obese. That’s because only one third of all Baby Boomers were able to make it to the door to take the Census survey.

Sharon Osbourne says she lost 100 pounds from weight loss surgery that she gained from food addiction. Fortunately Ozzy never became a food addict because he was always too full from all the pills he was swallowing every day.

“Real Housewives of New York” star Ramona Singer was reportedly spotted dancing provocatively and making a scene at an upscale Hamptons gala. Apparently no one told her the shooting for the season had already ended.

The Sony Walkman has turned 35. Which is still younger than anyone who can ever remember having a Sony Walkman.

Robin Williams is reportedly back in rehab to “fine-tune” his sobriety. Even Lindsay Lohan says that sounds like what someone would say when they are completely wasted.

Robin Williams is reportedly back in rehab to “fine-tune” his sobriety. The only question is how can anyone tell when Robin Williams is not under the influence of something?

Julianne Hough has revealed the reason behind her breakup with Ryan Seacrest. Apparently it got just too annoying when after having sex he would always tell her “Seacrest out!”

Julianne Hough has revealed the reason behind her breakup with Ryan Seacrest. Which people were really eager to find out just as soon as they knew where Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going on their next vacation.

Adam Levine says he didn’t get paid for his role in “Begin Again.” People were willing to accept that a lot more than when they found out that Adam Sandler actually did get paid for making “Little Nicky.”

The U.S. soccer team fell to Belgium 2-1 in extra time Tuesday. Now that the U.S. is out, ESPN will fall like a rock with fair weather American soccer fans now considering the rest of the World Cup as “extra time.”

Kobe Bryant took a shot at the old Charlotte Hornets for trading him to the Lakers 18 years ago. He remembers it as well as the time he once almost passed the ball to a teammate.

NASA has scrubbed the launch of a global warming satellite. Apparently the launch pad in California couldn’t be used for awhile because it was taken over as a den by a family of polar bears.

An ancient baby boom dating back 1,500 years was uncovered by scientists. Which made Larry King so happy to finally be considered a Baby Boomer instead of a member of Generation A.

A study says that 99% of the plastic found in the ocean has disappeared, possibly eaten by marine animals. Which is good news for Long John Silvers which will be buying fish that already come with their own plastic trays.

A study says that 99% of the plastic found in the ocean has disappeared, possibly eaten by marine animals. The good news is that one theory says it is being dissolved by all the oil dumped into the water by BP.

FIFA says that U.S. soccer fans are the most active online. Mostly because that is the only place that U.S. soccer fans are ever active.

IBM is coming out with a cooking app featuring Watson. The only problem is that it is only able to phrase any kitchen tips in the form of a question.

A report says that technological breakthroughs will mean everything will be digital by 2025. The only bad news is that driverless cars will be programmed to do hundreds of other tasks that will distract them so they can still crash into trees.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says that the embargo with Cuba has kept the Internet technology stuck in the 1990s. Which means the Cubans are still twenty years ahead of where they would be if they had to subscribe to AOL.

Scientists say that hair samples from what people claim are Bigfoot are found to be mostly from bears, wolves and raccoons. And on two occasions the DNA actually matched up with Rosie O’Donnell.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the U.S. is finally out of the World Cup. Didn’t see that one coming. Kind of like the U.S. goalkeeper. Well, at least that means no more soccer mania in the U.S. until the next World Cup in four years when everyone gets their hopes up again for another two game run. Give me a real sport like baseball which also takes three hours sitting around a bunch of drunk fans but at least usually ends up with four or five runs being scored. Well, I’m done with my soccer rant. I guess I just don’t like something else wasting your time with no payoff like my blog. But you can always end with a score by remembering to send the love!

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